What will it take to move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
What will it take to move on?
1
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 5:40pm

My two (2) year relationship ended in August and I had mixed emotions about it. Like the start of any romance, I was satisfied and happy when I met Steve. He introduced me to new opportunities and possibilities I never dreamed of. He was handsome, smart, funny, easy to be with and successful. We dated long distance for a year and in December of 2004, I decided to move to Florida to be with him. From the beginning of living together, things seemed to be difficult. We had a hard time agreeing on things like money, how to spend our time and even sex. I left a job I had in Ohio for over 8 years and wasn't in a huge hurry to find a new career when I got here, but it was important to Steve, so I ended up taking a job at the bank he worked for and hated every minute of it. I have a large amount of debt that I accrued in my early 20's that I have been aggresively paying down over the last three (3) years - because of this, Steve seemed to monitor every penny I spent and if came home from the store with a CD or clothes, I'd have to explain why I spent the money...e meanwhile, he was spendng $1500 on soccer tickets and buying gadgets for the house that we didn't really need. When I would ask him why it was okay for him and not me, he would tell me it was because he, unlike I, was able to live in that way...

In August, I went home for a week to visit my family... upon my return, I walked into a house where all my pictures had been taken down and my dresser had been cleared off - essentially, there was no evidence I had ever lived there. He told me he couldn't give me what I wanted. He had no desire to marry me, he wasn't in love with me and wasn't sure he had ever been. He should have never pursued me because I was everything he never wanted. It was devastating and heartbreaking because while I can admit I saw problems, I wasn't prepared to give up. I moved out of the house a week later and haven't spoken to him since.

I was okay for awhile, but because we have mutual friends, I've found out things that are making healing so hard to do. A month after the break-up, Steve brought his new girlfriend, Elizabeth, to his college homecoming weekend where she was introduced to our friends and his parents. Two months after this, she became his fiancee. Steve went through our relationship making fun of his married friends and how whipped they are. Now, I'm dealing with the reality that it wasn't that Steve didn't want to get married, he didn't want to marry me... that he probably met her while we were still together and I wasn't good enough for her. I've never felt so lonely, or unattractive. I don't know when I'll be able to trust anyone again, but I'm not even excited or looking forward to being involved. I had all of my hopes, dreams and future plans riding on Steve and our relationship. He could have given me everything I wanted and instead, he's planning a wedding with someone else and she's going to have that life. I know he's happy and I'm miserable. There are days I don't want to get out of bed and I cry all the time.

What does it take to accept what has happened and move on? I don't know if I can take it much longer...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 9:03pm

Oh, I can only imagine how painful that must be for you. I hope you've asked those mutual friends to stop sharing information about him with you!!!

It takes 3 things to get over someone: time, no contact and acceptance that it's over and that the two of you aren't right for each other. Working on the latter part of acceptance is what you should be focusing on right now.

I hope you can make a big shift in your thinking so you can get past this. It's NOT that you're not good enough...it's that the two of you are *not right for each other*. He's not "your guy" (not that there's just "one", but I hope you know what I mean). Try to let go of taking it personally...he wouldn't have made you happy or given you "everything" because the two of you weren't right for each other. If you look at the reality of the incompatibilities that became apparent once you moved to Florida, that may help you accept that it's not "you", per se, it's that the two of you together just weren't meant to be. That doesn't say anything about you personally...you will be right for other guys.

I would suggest taking a look at the post further down in this folder entitled "thought-stopping"...there's a suggestion towards the end of that post for making a set of index cards about all the negative things in your relationship. That might help you...you can pull them out whenever you start romanticizing the memories of your relationship.

If you continue to have trouble with feeling that you aren't good enough, you might want to consider counseling to work through self-esteem issues.

Hang in there and keep us posted on how you're doing.

Sheri