what will taking a 30 day break do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
what will taking a 30 day break do?
6
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 10:49am

I am a 24 year old who has been a 5 yr relationship with the person that I am sure is the one. He's 26. We work at the same company but different buildings and have daily contact with each other because both of our departments work in tandem on a lot of projects. We don't live together anymore because we both agreed to move home to save money for a downpayment to buy a house. I sleep over about twice a week.

In the last month our routines have become rather boring, sitting at home watching movies, etc. to save money. We haven't been having sex either for the past month. I jokingly made the comment one night that lately it was like 2 best friends are having a sleepover. A few weeks after that, he told me he wanted to take a 30 day break. I was devastated. I tried to adhere to limited to no contact during this time, but I have failed miserably. I showed up 4 days ago after arguing about how I felt that this break is unfair to me. If he's sure that he wants to be with me it shouldn't be something that he is confused about. He tells me that he is embarrassed that I pay for a lot of things because I make more money than he does. I don't care that I make more money, I'm proud to be able to take care of him. He says he isn't sure what he wants to do with his life and says he loves me and misses me, but wants to be friends. He says I've done nothing wrong. He wants to be free to figure out himself. But, here he is stringing me along because I still want to be with him and he is not sure. He is not sure of anything. I know that I should give him time, but shouldn't I set some sort of time limit so this break is fair to me? What should I do? I'm so confused.

At the same time, should allow the time off to happen? It could be good for me, to figure out if things were just routine and we need to reconnect with each other, instead of always going on big group outings with other couples. I'm scared that the person I wanted to spend my lifetime with won't want me after this, but I have done nothing wrong. I've done my best every day to be supportive and he is sending me such miss signals. One day he is very attracted to me and loves me and the next he says he isn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:14am
RIGHT THERE WITH YOU! My ex and I went on a break, but he only lasted a week. I didn't contact him or anything. A break will help you evaluate what you want out of the relationship. When he and I first went on the break, I was so angry with him. I felt used and rejected. I kicked... I screamed and I grieved. I wanted it to be over, but it felt like I was losing a best friend. He also told me the same things. It's not me, its him. He needed to figure out if it was worth it. He didn't know what he wanted. That's "man-speak" for... I'm not ready for a real relationship. Just because he cares for you deeply, does not mean he wants to be in a relationship with you. I thought the same things as well. It's definately a rollercoaster of emotions. And I definately felt lead around on a string... I still do. That's why I decided to move on. He doesn't know it yet though. but the way I look at it... It's about me right now... not him. You have got to start looking at yourself. Evaluate what YOU want out of the relationship. Is it worth it to YOU? Make this break about you... BE SELFISH. He is not thinking about your feelings right now, so don't think about his. In the grand scheme of things, there is nothing you can do or say to make him feel the same way. You can't make someone want you. You can't make someone feel something they don't. I came to terms with that harsh reality. Each day is extremely hard, but it does get better. I'm doing no contact, because everytime i talk to him (i don't contact him, he contacts me..), I take a step back. SO consider this your re-awakening. Find out what YOU want... You might come to the realization... It's not him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:41am

Good luck with focusing on yourself!

I think I need to figure out if I am just stuck in the rut of doing things for him all the time. You're right that I need to focus on myself and not him! But's it's so hard, I've been literally crying every day and he says that he's just good a hiding his feelings. In a way, if he can't tell me he wants me when I ask him the first time, I know it's not a good sign, but I want things to work out for the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 2:02pm

Hi ccheckers and welcome to the board.


If you can stay away for 30 days, he may realize how much he misses you and loves you and want to work on things from there.


Everything you feel is normal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 2:42pm

I feel your pain, you are in a hard situation.

The good news is that he just wants a 30-day break and he didn't end it outright. It sounds like he is confused and needs time to think. It also sounds like he is doubting more than just his relationship, it sounds like he is unhappy about other areas of his life as well.

I think what you don't want to do is push him in any way. Don't contact him. At all. Ever. I know it's the hardest thing in the world to do, but try to put him out of your head for awhile. Take some time for you and try to have fun. The less he sees or hears from you, the more time he will have to miss you and remember all the things that he loves about you.

Other than that, all you can do is hope for the best but prepare for the worst. In either case, remember you are NOT ALONE! So many people are going through this, just take a look at all these posts!

Also remember, guys can be strange about money. Namely, they like to make more than you, and feel like they are taking care of you. It may be old-fashioned, but it's still true for a lot of men. I would recommend not paying for your guy anymore. You may like treating, but obviously it makes him feel bad about himself when you do. Instead, when deciding what to do or where to go, try to suggest cheaper places or entertainment so he can afford to pay for you both. Suggest going for a walk or something rather than a movie, for instance.

Good luck! Take care of yourself!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 3:03pm
Alright, your situation sounds so much like mine it is not even funny! Here is how it was with me.... Were together for 3 years, in love, all that good crap. We moved intogether, bought a home. Then things changed. We rarely did anything together any more, I said the same thing you did, I felt like we were just roomates. Well not soon after that conversation, he told me he just needed to take a break. He had so many things he needed to think about. I thought, alright, we are takeing big steps in life (moving in together, thinking about marriage, family etc). I thought he just needed to clear his head. It was very hard for me, I was used to speaking to this person everyday for the past 3 years, and now, he needed space. He said the same things your guy said, unhappy with his life, not sure what he wanted out of life etc... Oh boy, what a crock. Okay, latter after this space, I find out that he has been talking to some other girl. Yea, now the truth comes out, he was not confused about his life, he was confused about wether or not he wanted to be with me. This has been months ago. I moved out, we have talked since then, well alot has happend since then. I broke it off with him for a while. We are slowly working our way back, but its tough. I guess this is my point... figure out what he is really trying to decide. Is it that he just needs to figure himself out (which is very possible) if it is, ask him how much time he thinks he will need. If this is the case, I think it is great that he is able to come to you and be honest about his feelings. But please, please dont sit around waiting on him. I did, and I felt like a fool after I found out about his real reasons. I am not trying to hurt you, or make you think bad things about your guy, but I would see if maybe he is looking for love in all the wrong places (if you know what I mean). Just come out and ask him, that is the best way, to be direct and honest. If you believe he is telling you the truth, great! But I would try and be delicate in this situation. Do not and I repeat, do not issue and ultimatum. No one likes to be told what to do. But do make it clear, that your feelings are on the line here as well, and if he cant figure it out, he needs to let you go so you can move on with your life. Which is what I did, and then well he came back. My guy is the same age as yours, and I am the same age as you. I honestly think they might be going through some early mid-life crisis. The are at a presipus in their lives, its time to grow up, to be a man, not a kid, and it freaks them out. They think, heck, I dont need a realtionship, I want to go out and have fun, play the field, but when they do, they realize, "what am I doing, I have this great, smart, wonderful girl at home (which I am sure you are), I messed up big time". And they come back ready to make it right. By the by, you did nothing wrong, trust me, this is his deal, not yours. He is the one that needs to get his s*&t together. Do the best you can, and if you get to a point where you cant take it anymore, just walk away. Let me know if you want to talk more. Keep your head up, Im sure no matter what, it will work itself out in the end, it always does!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 3:58pm

thank you for the support and suggestions.

i agree that i should definitely see if it's just a "figure himself" out thing or a "i want to be with another woman" thing. i will try and pose the question before i readhere to my own 30 day break then re-evaluate things.

in some ways i think that he is very jealous that i am still trying to get my masters and he isn't happy with how things are going at his job. there's intense pressure from his side of the family for us to get married as well. i'm happy just being together, but his mother and father keep saying that i'm a good girl and we should tie the knot. i never bring it up because i know he isn't ready.

i just get so scared that this is it, that everything i have done in this relationship is worth nothing. my best friend keeps saying that i've poured so much of myself into making him and us happy that i am not getting anything back anymore because i am being taken for granted. i don't feel that way though. i like making him feel happy. it makes me smile to see him happy.

in comparision to lots of my peers relationships, ours has always been very good, we've tried to always work things out and communicate. at first, it was hard, but now we're very good at it. all of a sudden i just feel like he has shut down- he's not really trying to talk and tells me to keep my emotions in check so he doesn't have to deal with my sudden tears. that hurts!

i don't want to regret not giving him and myself time to find out if were in a routine rut or we're just not as passionate about each other. it's tough too because by the time this 30 day break is over, our vacation to florida will be right after it, and if things don't turn out well, i think that things will be too painful for the both of us to go together.