What in the world does he mean?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2005
What in the world does he mean?
5
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 3:40pm
I have a difficult situation. My Boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago. At the time of the breakup he said he loved me. And that we should still see each other, as friends, and perhaps in time we could get back together. We have seen each other a few times since then, and it as been ok. He has admitted he has done some things wrong, and I admitted my faults too. This brings me up to last night. We went out for dinner, he hugged me in the car like he had never had before, and was tenderly kissing me. Then I got out and went home. I then ended up at his place after I was invited over.
We were in bed, and he began to fool around with me, and I told him, I can't do this right now, but man I would love to. He said I was a great woman, and I told him yeah, but you don't love me, so stop telling me you love me. I got dressed and went home. He looked sad, but man I couldn't stay.
He has been dropped veiled hints about different aspects of our past relationship. My heart tugs soo much. I really want to be with him. He seems kind, and still claims that he wants to spend time together. But we were both divorced last year, and he said he isn't ready to settle down, and that I shouldn't be either, and we should date some other people. Is this a normal part of a relationship?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 4:47pm

He wants a casual, "friends with benefits" type relationship. Since that's not what you want, I would cut off contact altogether. Being "friends" isn't what's best for you right now...you can't be friends until you're over your romantic feelings for him.

No, his behavior isn't "normal" for someone who wants a serious, committed r'ship, but he's already made clear he doesn't want that, at least not now, so it's completely "normal" in the context of a casual r'ship. But if that's not what you want, then you need to move on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2005
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 5:09pm

Thanks!
I am moving on. It just hurts so much. B/c the week before he broke up with me, he told me he loved me, and that he didn't appreciate me enough, and that I was everything he wanted. Then a week later he calls it quits. He has been over my house to help me paint doors, and other stuff since then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 5:29pm

Lord girl I am right there with you. I too broke up with my bf 2 weeks ago (wow it's been 2 weeks!) and met with him today to "discuss" whether or not we can be friends. Basically, when we broke up he told me that he loves me so much but he's not in love with me, he doesn't want to live his life without me, i mean so much to him, i'm his best friend blah blah blah and oh, "in time" there may be a second chance for us. This tripe sound familiar?

Anyway, as hard as it was for me to do, I cut contact. Then he emailed me this week b/c he missed me and he "just wanted to let me know what he was up to" and so on. I agreed to meet with him b/c I was not sure what I wanted from him--whether I thought I could be his "friend" or if I just wanted to cut him off completely--and I needed some answers from him. Well, surprisingly, I got the answers I needed (he cut through the bull and was sincere, ohmigod!) and realized that what he wants from me is...everything but a committed relationship. He does love me intensely , we do get along very well, we do have a connection, we are extraordinarily special to each other, he would (in an ideal world) like to continue, erm, intimate relations, with me, and so forth. Plus, I want him in my life SO badly. But the thing that kept creeping into my head and then doing a little irish jig around in there was the fact that,oh yeah, HE'S NOT IN LOVE WITH ME and I am with him. None of his "I want to be your friend" business means a damn thing in the face of the brutal truth that in order to be his friend right now I would have to sacrifice *everything meaningful* about myself and turn into a victimized doormat willing to do *anything*--including putting myself second--in order to be with this man, however marginally.

So, at the end of our meeting I told him that I would think about what I wanted to do, but to please not contact me in any way shape or form during that time then kissed him goodbye and walked out the door. Talk about tugging at your heart strings, as I was walking away all I wanted to do was turn around, take a flying leap into his arms and beeeegggggg him to take me back, give us our second chance NOW and make him fall desperately in love with me. But, no. Life's a bitch. (that's my new catch-phrase, btw) Cut contact completely with your man--we can do it together and whine about how much it sucks, if you want to! It's the best thing that you can do for yourself right now. If you want him in your life, make sure it is on *your* terms, not his.

As for myself, I did not tell my ex when I left whether or not he would ever see or hear from me again--partly b/c I want to see him squirm (i know, i'm terrible) and partly b/c I, myself, am not entirely sure what I'm going to do yet. But what I do know is that *if* I decide to talk to him again and *if* I decide that a friendship is worth trying to build with him I will know that I took time for myself, by myself, to figure out what I want and how I want it.

We are worth so much more than what these men are offering us. I mean, if you're fine with casual dating, go for it, but otherwise...don't settle for anything less than what you want and what you know you deserve. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 6:41pm

Yeah, you were both on the rebound and you think that "safety" is found in a relationship and considered it to be "convenient and a rest stop" to be in a relationship until his divorce was final...and now he wants to go out and find out what is out there (not just women) that he missed while married.

It's perfectly normal....and quit ending up in bed and cars and dinners with him. He doesn't want a relationship - he's not adverse to sex...he's told you he is not ready for a relationship because he has wild oats to sow...and so when you end up in these situations with him be aware that you've been informed 'this is just about sex between two people who are disease free and there is no obligation".

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2005
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 3:23pm

Oh, this actually got a lot better. He had placed a personal ad on a website back in October. I didn't know that. Someone random emailed me about it, but I shrug it off. Then today I looked and sure enough it was there. I am just stunned. He has professed he loved me, made friends with my friends. Christmas dinner was at his house with my parents and grandparents. We had a lovely meal, wine, and wonderful decorations. I can't even begin to say how shocked that I am. I am completely shocked!!! How did something that seemed ok in the begining turn out like this???
There were red flags all along that he wasn't the most truthful person. He was actually married, and didn't receive his divorce until November. He says he was seperated all of that time, I don't know. He drove with my mother all night to be with me at my father's funeral.. I just am amazed I got played like that. I dearly wish it wouldn't have happened.