What is wrong with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
What is wrong with me?
8
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 8:22am
Why do I obsess about a guy that never even treated me well? He ran hot and cold the entire time we were together. Yet now that it is over, I can't keep my self from secretly hoping he will come back to me. Why would I want someone who made plans with me and then just blew me off with some poor excuse? I guess the important question is why did I ever accept the excuses to begin with. I feel like such the fool. I have a really hard time letting people into my life but I gave him access without question. I never did this before and I can't figure out why I did this time. I am so confident in all other parts of my life but when it comes to men, I fold. At work, I have always been confident and speak my mind but with him I was a doormat. What is wrong with me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 1:11pm

Hi seashell and welcome to the board,


Lots of time it's a few different reasons we find ourselves in the position you were just in - low self-esteem, thinking we don't deserve better than what we are getting, feeling if the person just changed 'this one thing' then everything would be perfect, denial - only seeing what we want to see, ignoring the things that aren't right, and sometimes even our egos - thinking if we could just get this person to see it our way, things would be great - like we could love them enough, give them enough, be there enough for them, but unfortunately, if it's not mutual it's really not worth it.


Reading material to consider:


Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse


How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon


The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen


The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz


And some extras, just because-


Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis


The Four Agreements, Miguel Ruiz


Women Who Run with the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes


All Men are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise, Daylle Deanna Schwartz (not what you think)


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 3:22pm

In addition to the great advice and input you got from Carrie, I wanted to give you a little visualization exercise to do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 7:51pm
Thanks for the advice. My insecurities are tied into my physical self. I know that I am funny, a loyal friend, and have a great personality but my weight has always been a sensitive issue. I loved to hear him tell me that I was beautiful but what i have realized is that I put up with so much just for a few words. I am beautiful and I just need to hear it in my own head. I also need to work on allowing myself to be vunerable. I was raised to be show a strong front in the face of adversity. My friends have rallied around me and I just keep telling them I'm ok. I'm going to work on me. I need to make what I know is true in my head be true in my heart also.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 8:06pm

"Imagine your core values, your self-respect, your self-worth, your boundaries, all being a backbone of steel and your emotions and feelings being the soft part that surrounds you."

Sandra...can you give an example as to HOW to do this? I never looked at it in the perspective before and I kinda like what you are saying, just don't quite understand how to do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2007
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 9:55pm
Nothing is wrong with you- we are women and unfortunately this is how we feel. I am a 39 year old who was married for 15 years, raised two wonderful children-16 and 19 now, graduated from college at age 37, takes care of a large house, bills, works full time- and I still get heart broken over men. The latest was a whirlwind 3 month courtship that was going perfect then all of the sudden- he got cold feet and broke up. I became a mess! I lost ten pounds, shook all over, cried rivers and I am still feeling bad a month later. Why?? I have no idea. I have succeeded in almost all other parts of my life- but when it comes to my heart- I am a weakling! I wish someone could tell me the secret of relationships. Why can't I just be happy alone or meet the right guy once and for all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 12:09pm

I thought about this all night, "How do I explain how to become strong?"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 12:32pm

^5, amen and well said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 8:47pm
wow. That is really empowering. I know the truth, I just have to live it now. Thanks!