What's best way to move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
What's best way to move on?
6
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 12:49pm
Hi everyone. I broke up with my boyfriend of nine months about five weeks ago. At first I just felt kind of numb, last week I felt immense grief, and this week it's been a little better but I still feel very unhappy at times. Last night my sister called me and told me she's going to go out with a new guy, and I felt quite envious. It seems only recently I was beginning a new relationship which felt wonderful and seemed full of promise. I really did have a lot of happiness in my relationship, but as time went on, my ex treated me worse and seemed more and more immature, and I eventually found my doubts about him winning out over the love I felt for him. I don't feel ready to go out with anyone new at this point, but I don't want to wallow in grief either. Does anyone have any suggestions for ways to move on (but at the same time grieve)?

Thanks!

toriphile

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 11:28pm
I'm sort of in the same boat you are Tori, but I want to first congratulate you for having the presence of mind and courage to end things with your ex, rather than staying in it and hoping it would get better or that you could change him.

I think moving on is really more of a decision that we make and then also making the choice to stick with it even when we miss them or long for how things were in the beginning.

As to how to fill and occupy your time? Do whatever it is that you enjoy or however you like to spend your free time. It's been five weeks for me also. Outside of my job, I have spent quite a bit of time here at ivillage trying to uplift and encourage other women who are hurting just like you and me. I also love home decorating shows and enjoy ones that are featured on HGTV. Other than that, having spiritual/devotional time with God, attending church, going antique shopping, and watching old Audrey Hepburn and Doris Day movies are all different types of things that I enjoy doing in my spare time.

Just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.

It takes time for the healing process to be complete but I've found just like with other trials in life that this too shall pass...

All the best,

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 3:36pm
Thanks, Heymum. Your words were very comforting to me. Thanks especially for congratulating me on moving on -- I do have misgivings at times!

I guess at five weeks (perhaps you feel this way too) the pain of separation is still fairly new. I think what I need most is to feel I did the right thing by moving on, which I do for the most part.

Like you, I'm finding good support here on ivillage. Thanks again for your insights. And best wishes to you as well, as you go through your healing process.

toriphile

Avatar for bensand
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 6:05pm
Hi there,

I really understand how you feel. It's been about the same amount of time for me and I know just what you mean. I want so much to find the right guy and be in love again, yet I also want to take time to get over my ex boyfriend and grieve for that huge loss in my life. We still talk to each other and we have seen each other a few times since we broke up. Part of me feels better when we do that, and part of me wonders if it's slowing down the process of getting over him. So far, I've just been going with the flow and doing what feels okay to me. I mean, friends and family tell me to move on and cut all ties with him, but I don't know that that feels right to me. So I hope you do what feels best for YOU. Keeping busy really helps me, and reaching out and getting that support you need. I know it's so hard to make the decision to walk away from a relationship, and so good for you to be strong and make that choice. Take care :)

Sandra :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 2:38am
You're quite welcome Tori. I'm glad my words of encouragement were of some comfort to you.

One more thing that I'd like to pass along that may help eliminate all doubt from your mind: If you haven't already done so, take a few minutes and write down all of the many things he said and did that really hurt you. You said in your post that he treated you worse over time, so I'm sure if you reflect upon his behavior, seeing your own words in black and white will help to bring better clarity and help reaffirm that ending it was for the best.

When I look at my own list of his negative and hurtful behavior (which I've added to as additional things have come to my mind), I'm reminded that ending the relationship was the right thing to do. It has also helped me to understand that the man I loved and cared for was actually a facade -- someone he fabricated in an effort to ultimately get what he was really after. When I failed to fall for the "okee-doke" and refused to give in to what he wanted, he pulled away from me, refused to talk and I ended it one week later. I've learned some really important lessons so because of that, I have no regrets.

God bless you too as you go through your healing process.

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 12:04pm
Thanks for that response, Sandra. It's very comforting to know you (and others) are dealing with the same thing.

Just to put in my two cents, I don't necessarily think you have to cut all ties with your ex unless YOU absolutely feel it's the right thing to do. I've cut all ties with mine (because it was pretty clear that continuing to talk would just cause him to think there was "hope," and there's not), but I have to say I think it may be harder to achieve closure when you just suddenly don't talk to each other -- forever! You may be able to help each other with the grief process by staying in contact (especially if you were good friends).

Anyway, thanks again. I have been trying to keep busy, but of course my energy level is not what it usually is. Sometimes it feels better to just mope!

Best to you in your healing process,

toriphile

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 12:12pm
That's very interesting, Heymum. I, too, have come to realize that the guy I fell in love with back in October or so was in some ways a facade -- the person he wanted me to see him as, but not who he really was. The longer we were together, the more the "real him" came out. It was very confusing, to say the least!

I really like your idea of writing down the hurtful things. I think that'll help to ground me in reality -- it's so easy to start remembering only the good stuff, especially when you're feeling sad about the whole thing.

Thanks again for the sound insight!

toriphile