What's with this "friends" thing??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
What's with this "friends" thing??
22
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 12:10am

So I've read everyone's posts and realized that we are all in the same situation, or at least most of us are. These men, they dump us but tell us how much they want to be friends. What is with these men!?! Is it a problem that they cannot make up their minds, or they just want to hang onto us incase something better does not come along? Are they just not brave enough to say "sorry this isn't going to work"? I know in my situation, my ex had emotional issues and it was quite different from others here, but also he wanted the friends thing. Do they not get how much hanging onto us hurts us? You simply CANNOT change a relationship from being intimate to suddenly being a buddy you hang out with, no touching involved. But THEN there is the confusing signals. So even though you've technically broken up, he still wants to cuddle with you and put his arm around you (but kissing is off limits :S) ... what IS this?? Did this happen in our parents generation or is this something that's a trend with young males today?

That's my rant for tonight. I'm sure you can all relate to it!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 12:32am

I am so with you sistah!

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Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 1:45am

Yes, yes, yes. I've read them too and I see the same thing you're seeing. It's like there's a virus going around or something.

They say they want to be friends for a variety of reasons:

* They really like you and they want to hang on to all the good parts of the relationship (including affection and sex sometimes) without the bad parts (commitment and responsibility).

* Since they're not hurting they don't realize you're hurting. And when you tell them, they just don't understand.

* They think if you really love them you'll take them at whatever terms they offer.

* They're clueless, irresponsible jerk bastards.

* They're users who have no respect for themselves and therefore can't respect you.

* They want you to keep the door open so they can step back in if they change their minds.

* They feel guilty and they don't want you to be mad at them so they suggest a friendship to alleviate their guilt.

* They don't really want to be friends, not in any real way. They just say it because they think that's what your supposed to say.

* They say it to you because women have said it to them when they got dumped. (It's perfectly acceptable to say, "I think we'd be better off as friends" after four or five dates. After a year or two or more, it's unacceptable.)

Why don't we do a group mantra? Repeat after me:

WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS. WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS. WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS.

Do not allow them to treat you this way and it will not happen. They do it because we allow it. Once we dig deep inside and find our value, worth and self-respect, this behavior ends and we can move on to healthier relationships.




Edited 5/24/2006 2:39 am ET by iamdelightful
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 1:57am

Great list...but you forgot what I sometimes think is the number one motivator of them wanting to be "friends"...guilt! If you're willing to be friends with them, then they must not be such a bad guy for breaking it off, right (is the way their thinking goes)?

Sheri

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 2:34am
Absolutely, Sheri! I don't know how I could have forgotten that one. It's so obvious. I went back and added it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 7:45am

I hear ya. I wish when we had broke up I could have said that right off the bat, because he made more than one referral to us being friends, and how instantly he turned the switch from being bf and gf to friends. Apparently that switch had been turned for him like 6 months ago, but I never turned it.

We were friends for like 5 years before we dated. This is going to sound terrible, but I really don't want to be friends with this guy right now. I just don't, that's the way it is. It's just way too difficult, and the fact that he *turned the switch* so fast makes it even more difficult.

Avatar for wildlucky4me
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 9:04am

I've heard that before!

Karen ~ wildlucky4me  

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 12:11pm

That's not "terrible" at all...it's completely NORMAL!

Once you're completely over him, you MAY decide you want to be friends again...or you may not. But don't put that pressure on yourself now.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 7:08pm
Yes, yes, yes, all the replies to this are soooooo true. Well, I took a different approach to the 'let's be friends, let's get together' from my ex. I did what he did --- I responded without meaning, thought, intentions, or desire (on my part) to be friends --- and said 'yes'. :-)
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 8:16pm
I'm not clear did you say "yes" to being friends? If so, how's it going?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 8:28pm

I said 'yes', but I had no intention of being in touch with him anymore. I didn't care to be friends, but it was my way of replying without getting into more discussion --- if I said 'no, I can't do that', he would ask 'why?'...on and on and on and possibly start making me feel worse than I already did. Then I would be wondering what it was all about, did he really want to be friends or more, is there a chance we can change the friendship into more, etc. It was easier to just say 'yes' and keep going and not turn back.

I know it may be horrible to say something I didn't really mean, but then, as you can see from previous posts, you never really know if ex' are sincere when they say they want to be friends. So, to avoid making what could be an emotional situation for myself (ie. waiting for him, my friend, to call and see how I'm doing, etc.), I took the path of least resistance --- and anxiety. I decided in my mind and heart that being friends was not the right thing to do, I said 'yes' to avoid further discussion.

Sometimes you have to look out for yourself first to survive a painful situation.

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