What's with this "friends" thing??
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| Wed, 05-24-2006 - 12:10am |
So I've read everyone's posts and realized that we are all in the same situation, or at least most of us are. These men, they dump us but tell us how much they want to be friends. What is with these men!?! Is it a problem that they cannot make up their minds, or they just want to hang onto us incase something better does not come along? Are they just not brave enough to say "sorry this isn't going to work"? I know in my situation, my ex had emotional issues and it was quite different from others here, but also he wanted the friends thing. Do they not get how much hanging onto us hurts us? You simply CANNOT change a relationship from being intimate to suddenly being a buddy you hang out with, no touching involved. But THEN there is the confusing signals. So even though you've technically broken up, he still wants to cuddle with you and put his arm around you (but kissing is off limits :S) ... what IS this?? Did this happen in our parents generation or is this something that's a trend with young males today?
That's my rant for tonight. I'm sure you can all relate to it!

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You might also want to check out this NEW board! :)
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlhtjustfri
You've always found that guys make the best friends, but the truth is male-female friendships easily become complicated. You insist you and your pal are just friends, but does he really feel the same? What do you do when your boyfriend becomes jealous of your other friendships? Can men and women be friends without sex entering into the picture? This is the place to explore these questions and more.
I think your post made total sense, and I know in my case, deep down I know that is what my ex is thinking when he says things about being friends.
Every situation is probably different, depending on the circumstances involved. We were friends for many years before we started dating, then we did the bf/gf thing, and he apparently fell out of love and felt we were just really good friends for the last six months or so. Personally, I think it was easier for him to want to still be friends right away, because he had already made the transition. I knew nothing about this, nor did I feel like "friends" with him, so it's much harder for me to flick the switch, so to speak. It's especially tough to just turn off those feelings and become friends when he couldn't figure out why he didn't feel the spark anymore.
However, when I broke up with my ex before him, I knew things weren't working out, but stuck around for a few more months after we had a "big talk". He pretty much said that night that I wasn't right for him, he didn't see a future with me because of this and this and the other thing, all of which were insane reasons, most of which I have ZERO control over (ie - my family background). The day we broke up, I was going to break up with him, because I had it. I was getting myself pumped up, went to use the washroom, and thought of something that made me burst out laughing, so I couldn't look at him with a straight face. So I went to leave, because I couldn't do the deed, and he stopped me, and he basically initiated the break up talk right then and there.
But - I was good with that break up, and we were friends the next day. Albeit, he apologized endlessly within a few weeks, and wanted me back, but I really didn't want to. For some reason, when he told me the things that upset him about me three months before we broke up, it was easier to let go and be friends with him, because he had his way of life, I had mine. But with my recent ex, he was just really unhappy, couldn't figure out why, but I am everything he wants in a girl. Go figure. I would really find it hard to be friends within the next little while with someone who said that to me, just because I've just got a million "What if's", and "Why not's" floating around in my head. Just way too confusing.
I think it all boils down to the fact that if the other person has no idea it's coming, or kind of does but wants to hold on to a glimmer of hope, they find it more difficult to just transfer into friend mode. If the dumper kind of has an idea it's coming, then they have taken that time to switch out of love, and get ready for the friend stage.
That's just my two cents!
But that's just the thing...it's not generally *possible* to go right from being lovers to being friends, even if your intentions are good. I think iamdelightful touched on a couple "non-evil" reasons in her list...it's possible that the person who is asking to be friends right away just doesn't realize it doesn't happen like that.
I'm friends with several of my exes *NOW*...but I know that it takes a period of no contact for us to get over our romantic feelings for each other and get to that point so if I'm doing the breakup I will generally say something like, "I hope we can be friends down the road but for now it's best that we not be in contact" (and anyone who is involved with me would know I'm sincere about that from the fact that I'm friends with several exes). Conversely, if a guy breaks up with me and tells me he wants to be friends, I'll will generally assume (if he's a good guy, that is) that he's just being naive about it and not intending to hurt me...so I'll tell him not now but I'll be in touch when I'm ready and give him the benefit of the doubt.
Sheri
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