What's with this "friends" thing??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
What's with this "friends" thing??
22
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 12:10am

So I've read everyone's posts and realized that we are all in the same situation, or at least most of us are. These men, they dump us but tell us how much they want to be friends. What is with these men!?! Is it a problem that they cannot make up their minds, or they just want to hang onto us incase something better does not come along? Are they just not brave enough to say "sorry this isn't going to work"? I know in my situation, my ex had emotional issues and it was quite different from others here, but also he wanted the friends thing. Do they not get how much hanging onto us hurts us? You simply CANNOT change a relationship from being intimate to suddenly being a buddy you hang out with, no touching involved. But THEN there is the confusing signals. So even though you've technically broken up, he still wants to cuddle with you and put his arm around you (but kissing is off limits :S) ... what IS this?? Did this happen in our parents generation or is this something that's a trend with young males today?

That's my rant for tonight. I'm sure you can all relate to it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 11:33pm
OMG ... they want to keep you as a friend incase they need you for SEX? That made me laugh so hard ... my boyfriend hated sex. I was always the one asking for it. He NEVER initiated. It really got to me and made me feel like a slut after a while!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 11:38pm
Based on all these replies I almost wish I had done it differently ... wish I could change the recent past, haha. My ex didn't deserve all my wonderful calls out of concern at first, all he deserved was a cold shoulder.
Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 1:28pm

You might also want to check out this NEW board! :)



http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlhtjustfri


You've always found that guys make the best friends, but the truth is male-female friendships easily become complicated. You insist you and your pal are just friends, but does he really feel the same? What do you do when your boyfriend becomes jealous of your other friendships? Can men and women be friends without sex entering into the picture? This is the place to explore these questions and more.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2006
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 2:24pm
From reading the posts, it sounds like most of the people asking to "remain friends" was the guy who broke up with the girl. I recently ended things with my ex and asked to remain friends (albeit it's long distance so it's not like we can do anything but make phone calls). Honestly, I was not trying to ease the blow or keep him from moving on... I just know that I still care for him and want him to remain in my life somehow. But even though I'm the one who asked for the friendship, it's been really hard for me too. I don't know when or how often I should call him b/c I'm sure he's hurt and/or pissed. Not sure if I'm offering anything useful to this message board, but I just wanted to say that people who ask to remain friends are not all evil and selfish. Then again, maybe I am and just don't realize it. Or maybe a part of me wants to get back together with him. :(
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 2:41pm
The last time I asked a man to be friends with me after we broke up it was because I felt guilty about leaving him. He was basically a nice guy and we had been together for three years. I just didn't see myself marrying him, so I left. It was easy for me to ask to be friends because I wasn't hurting. Asking to be friends is easy if you're not crazy about the person. Unfortunately, the person being left is usually too hurt to be able to change their feelings instantly so asking to be friends is often insensitive and disrespectful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 2:57pm

I think your post made total sense, and I know in my case, deep down I know that is what my ex is thinking when he says things about being friends.

Every situation is probably different, depending on the circumstances involved. We were friends for many years before we started dating, then we did the bf/gf thing, and he apparently fell out of love and felt we were just really good friends for the last six months or so. Personally, I think it was easier for him to want to still be friends right away, because he had already made the transition. I knew nothing about this, nor did I feel like "friends" with him, so it's much harder for me to flick the switch, so to speak. It's especially tough to just turn off those feelings and become friends when he couldn't figure out why he didn't feel the spark anymore.

However, when I broke up with my ex before him, I knew things weren't working out, but stuck around for a few more months after we had a "big talk". He pretty much said that night that I wasn't right for him, he didn't see a future with me because of this and this and the other thing, all of which were insane reasons, most of which I have ZERO control over (ie - my family background). The day we broke up, I was going to break up with him, because I had it. I was getting myself pumped up, went to use the washroom, and thought of something that made me burst out laughing, so I couldn't look at him with a straight face. So I went to leave, because I couldn't do the deed, and he stopped me, and he basically initiated the break up talk right then and there.

But - I was good with that break up, and we were friends the next day. Albeit, he apologized endlessly within a few weeks, and wanted me back, but I really didn't want to. For some reason, when he told me the things that upset him about me three months before we broke up, it was easier to let go and be friends with him, because he had his way of life, I had mine. But with my recent ex, he was just really unhappy, couldn't figure out why, but I am everything he wants in a girl. Go figure. I would really find it hard to be friends within the next little while with someone who said that to me, just because I've just got a million "What if's", and "Why not's" floating around in my head. Just way too confusing.

I think it all boils down to the fact that if the other person has no idea it's coming, or kind of does but wants to hold on to a glimmer of hope, they find it more difficult to just transfer into friend mode. If the dumper kind of has an idea it's coming, then they have taken that time to switch out of love, and get ready for the friend stage.

That's just my two cents!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 4:32pm

But that's just the thing...it's not generally *possible* to go right from being lovers to being friends, even if your intentions are good. I think iamdelightful touched on a couple "non-evil" reasons in her list...it's possible that the person who is asking to be friends right away just doesn't realize it doesn't happen like that.

I'm friends with several of my exes *NOW*...but I know that it takes a period of no contact for us to get over our romantic feelings for each other and get to that point so if I'm doing the breakup I will generally say something like, "I hope we can be friends down the road but for now it's best that we not be in contact" (and anyone who is involved with me would know I'm sincere about that from the fact that I'm friends with several exes). Conversely, if a guy breaks up with me and tells me he wants to be friends, I'll will generally assume (if he's a good guy, that is) that he's just being naive about it and not intending to hurt me...so I'll tell him not now but I'll be in touch when I'm ready and give him the benefit of the doubt.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 2:29pm
LOL, GMTA! I was just going to post that board link, and then I thought, "Nah, I better see what LM's been doing first!" LOL...
Click to join the fun!
Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 3:46pm


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anonymous user
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 8:19pm
FOR MY OWN OPINION THEY WANT US TO STAY FRIEND WITH THEM COZ THEY DONT WANT AS TO LOOK FOR SOMEONE ELSE..OR ANYTIME THAT THEY FIND OUT THAT NO ONE ELSE COULD LIKE THEM WE ARE STILL THERE FOR THEM