When am I going to stop missing him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
When am I going to stop missing him?
6
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 1:06am

Hi Everyone - I'm feeling sad right now, so I thought I'd come here. I'm missing my ex badly and I'm just feeling discouraged and frustrated that I still have these moments. I know that I can't speed up the process, but I'm just tired of missing him. It's been about 9 months since we broke things off, but we've talked here and there (we were only together for about a year and a half, but he was one of the great loves of my life - and a close friend for 7 years before that). I know in my head why we can't be together (and they are significant reasons), but I just fell so in love with him. I really miss him. I've been doing really well lately, but I have these moments where I feel so far away from him and it makes me want to call. But I know that calling won't help. It's so painful to think that he might be with someone else. I don't know how to get these thoughts out of my mind. I've been doing things lately to move on myself, which is a huge step for me, but every now and then, I backslide and it really drains me. How do I stop focusing on him and who might be with? How do you get your heart to match your head? It's so painful to love someone that you can't be with. I know that everyone on this board is going through something similar and that my feelings are not unique....but I had to get it out because, right now, the pain is too much to hold inside. How do I stop thinking about the past and wishing that I could have it back? Thanks so much for listening.

Maggie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 8:35am

I honestly wish I knew the answers. I'm only about 8 weeks from my breakup and though I'm trying to date and move on, I just really want him back more than anything. I just want this feeling to end as its disrupting me.

I wish I knew how to make this feeling stop.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 8:57am

Hi cl214 - I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I don't have the answers, but I will tell you that it does get easier (which I'm sure you know and have heard a thousand times). I remember when I was at the 8-week mark and people kept telling me that. I remember thinking that I needed to be patient through the healing process, wait for time to pass, and do whatever I needed to do to take care of myself during that extremely painful time. Reading the posts on this board helped a lot because I knew I wasn't alone. Thank you so much for replying. Once again, I know I'm not alone in this - and neither are you. Wishing you well and sending hugs your way.

Maggie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 9:03am

Thank you so much Maggie. I feel so stupid cause I wa sonly with my former for a mere 4 months, but I'd known him and wanted to be with him for years and I had no idea that this would hurt this bad. I'm sitting at work at my desk fighting back tears as I type and I have a date lined up this Friday and all I can think about is how badly I want my ex back. How happy he made me felt.

But I've been reading this book about letting go and I'm going to do everything I can to get him out of my system. Which is hard. He sent me a postcard from Europe over the weekend and I need to thank him and I'm trying to think of how to just say thank you without pleading with him to reconsider me.

I know, it just takes more time.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 11:25am

Well, the answer is, some period of time after you stop having any contact with him.

So long as you keep talking to him sporadically, you're resetting the clock each time.

I know it's hard to fight that feeling but unless and until you do, you'll be stuck in this limbo.

As for the obsessive thoughts, have you tried reading the thought stopping post in the resources folder?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 9:37pm

Hi cl214 - Your feelings are your feelings. The amount of time that you were together doesn't necessarily mean anything. Don't beat yourself up for how you feel. I have to remind myself of the same thing - I often beat myself up for not being farther along than I am (we were only together a year and a half - not 4 years or more like a lot of people on this board). But, like you, I saw my ex in my future and still see him as a soulmate (not one that I will be with, mind you, but a soulmate, nonetheless). I think that our thoughts of a future with our exes keeps us holding on. It's very hard. As Sheri mentioned in her post to me, no contact is definitely the way to go, but it is very difficult, especially when your ex is the one doing the contacting. I've been able to do no contact on my end, but when he contacts me, it's much more difficult. Regarding your dilemma about thanking your ex for the postcard, Sheri would probably say that if you *need* to thank him, do so simply and then ask him not to contact you so that you can heal. I think that's the right advice, but I can't necessarily give it because I've had trouble with the same thing. The most time that I've gone without any contact with my ex is about 5 weeks. And that's because when he contacts me, I don't have to courage to ignore his calls. But I can say without a doubt that no contact is the fastest way to heal (and it's not fast, but it's a fast-er and more complete than when you stay in contact). No contact is very painful, but you do heal - you get over that hump eventually. In my experience, contact prolongs the pain - especially when you've already begun to heal. I have to give you a lot of credit for trying to move on - although you may not be ready to give your heart to someone else right now. But at least you're trying to get out and you're doing things to help yourself. But yes, time does play a part and you can't necessarily force him out of your heart at the rate you would like to. Believe me, I've had to learn that lesson over and over. I'd LOVE not to miss my ex anymore. But I can't always control my feelings. I have to feel them for them to pass - but I don't have to obsess over them (that's what I'm still learning). Don't be afraid to feel your feelings - they will pass. Feeling your feelings helps you heal. You've experienced a loss and you have to grieve. But keep doing what you're doing and you'll get to where you want to be. You made it this far! You should be very proud of yourself and just keep taking everything one day at a time (or one moment at a time, if you need to).

All the best to you,
(((((Hugs))))))
Maggie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 9:52pm

Thanks Sheri. I know you're right. I keep feeling like I'm past the point where contact will affect me. I've come so far that I fool myself into thinking that I'm okay. Then, I have a rude awakening when I finally do talk to him and realize that I'm still not over him. I thought about writing to him recently to ask him not to contact me (that I'm still not ready), but then I thought of how I would feel if I started up that whole conversation again (I haven't set a boundary like that in about 5 months). If I send that e-mail, I'll start feeling anxious that I sent it, maybe feel regret...I'll be looking for a response from him, etc. I don't want to go through that again. I had to do it so many times in the beginning. I'm hoping that some of my more recent actions with regard to moving on, meeting new people will have the effect of pulling me farther away from him so that when he calls, I won't care so much, either way. If that doesn't work, then I guess I'll have to say no contact again. Thanks for pointing me to the thought-stopping post. I read it a long time ago, but it looks like I need a refresher!

Thanks again,
Maggie