When does it end!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
When does it end!!!
2
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 10:54pm
Where do I begin.... I have been with my ex-boyfriend for so many years. Our relationship began in 1993 and we had broken up in 2000, my choice, for a few years. We got back together in 2003 and had lived together for 1 year. During that year, things were pretty lame and he wouldn't communicate. His dad was dying and I thought that had a lot to with it, but back in February, I caught him talking on the phone with a girl from work. We had our troubles, but continued living with each other and tried to make it work. But right after his dad passed in August, he said he was moving out. A few weeks later, I found a phone card and discovered he had been calling this girl that he work with, the same one from February. That outraged me and made me act insanely. I couldn't deal with it, after all we had been through. I was pretty much the only person he has ever had to come to when he was in money troubles or any kind of help. Not that I had lots of money, but we found ways. We always found ways around everything and know I just think I was used. It's been almost 3 months and I can't forgot about it. It makes me sick to think that he is with this girl. She lives near his work and goes down there every weekend. He ended up getting a dump in the middle of nowhere. I tried to have him talk to me about it and he says she's nothing, just a place to go cause his place is a dump, and he needs to get away. He never said anything except, I'm moving out, I've fallen out of love. Of course, you fall out of love, when someone else is there and you are pursuing another girl while committed to another. It just makes me so crazy. I acted so irrationally at first because I just do that. I know I really pushed him away during the first month and a 1/2. But now we just text about our dog and he stops occassionally to bring him by or drops him off for a few hours. It's so hard, cause I want to drill him with a 1000 questions and I soon realized he's never going to answer them. I also found some texts that the girl calls him "Babe", he's my baby, babe, not hers. It makes me so sick to the stomach. He is someone I stuck by through thick and thin. I truly beleived he was my soulmate. I can say I had unconditional love for him, not that I was necessary in love with him recently, but I tried to talk to him and he would just shut me out. Now, he is having a grand old time with this girl who knew he was in a relationship and pursued him as well. Not to take the blame off him, but she knew. I don't even know what this girl looks like and I don't know if I should ever want to find out. I'm somewhat obsessive about it. I tried to find her on the internet, but no luck. I did find her address and drove past once. That was difficult. I'm just setting myself for self-destruction. I just can't get my mind off it. It is truly killing me. Also, friends of ours, just recently got divorced, his best friend, for cheating on his wife. 2 months later, my boyfriend moves out. It just makes me crazy. Things weren't bad where they couldn't have been mended. I just want him back home and make a good life together. I have so much forgiveness but I know we would need to seriously talk about deep issues. But, I don't even know how he truly feels about this girl that he works with everyday and stays with all weekend. It must be something, because he hardly ever sees his friends from home. Then, I think maybe he just wants to escape it around here because of his dad dying. But there's so many un-answered questions, that I know I need to stop and give up on hope. It's just so difficult!!!! Please give me any advice or help!!!

Me 31, DH27, married may2008 went off b/c at that time, no af, PCOS since 17.  MTHFR factor.  HSG clear, 1st round of clomid 100mg, 1000 mg Metforim late July 09,  Waiting to see if O'd. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 11:20am
as much as it hurts, you have to accept what he said, "i'm moving out, i've fallen out of love". it is so hard to hear and to bear, believe me, i know how it feels to hear about your ex with someone else, but the only way to begin moving on is to accept that it's over. another thing you mentioned was the unanswered questions. that is something else that i know from experience is extremely difficult to overcome. what i have found is that you will have to resign to the fact that you may never have those answers. closure has to come from within many times. that includes thinking of the good, the bad, and everything in between. it means accepting that both of you played a part in the relationship starting and ending. it means accepting that there were things that both of you did that cause the relationship's demise. once you are able to figure some of this out, you can take everything you've learned into a new, and better, relationship! it's hard to stop obsessing about it, again, i know, but you have to realize that looking up this other woman on the internet, driving by her house, etc, are destructive behaviors that only hurt you, nobody else. once you realize that these things are causing you to be stuck in a holding pattern, unable to move forward, you will stop them. best of luck to you. it is so very hard, but you will learn a lot about yourself in this situation. show yourself that you are a strong woman and that you can get past this--because you can, and you will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 4:13pm

When does it end? Well, you may not like this answer but....it ends when you decide it ends. Think about it. Even re-read what you posted. You have given this guy and this situation all of your power. Every ounce of it.

Instead of getting centered, thinking about what is in your best interest, and ACTING on it, you've chosen to REACT to everything he says, doesn't say, does or doesn't do.

If you felt he used you, then chances are he's using this other girl too and it doesn't mean he's skating by and life is carefree. His karma will get him eventually.

Not to say that you don't have powerful emotions that need to be dealt with - like he BETRAYED you. He's been carrying on with this other woman since February, if nothing else an emotional affair, sharing intimate, emotional details of his life with her, building a relationship with her. You have every right to be angry. But choose wisely what to do with that anger. Bad choices include, going to her house, hounding him for answer, trying to find out what she looks like, looking her up on the internet, etc.

You said "I acted so irrationally at first because I just do that." No, you decided his behavior was an excuse for your own bad behavior. Reacting in a negative way to suite your raging feelings instead of learning more productive ways to channel your anger.

:: But now we just text about our dog and he stops occassionally to bring him by or drops him off for a few hours.

No contact would be much, much better in your situation. You are going to have to decide if you can let go enough for your own sanity to do so.

I know most of this is hard to hear and I'm sorry but, here's some more so you can see the reality of your situation:

::I also found some texts that the girl calls him "Babe", he's my baby, babe, not hers.

Sorry you are broken up, he's not your baby or babe anymore. His choice.

::I truly beleived he was my soulmate.

Your soulmate wouldn't treat you this way. Wouldn't have betrayed you, lied to you, started cheating emotionally if nothing else and wouldn't be sleeping with another woman right now.

:: I'm somewhat obsessive about it.

Your choice. Why give him or her that much power over you?

::I'm just setting myself for self-destruction.

Why? What purpose does it serve?

::I just can't get my mind off it. It is truly killing me.

Time to take your own healing in hand and work on it. Consider short-term counseling to work on your self-esteem. Start journal writing. Vent on paper, write him UNSENT HATE MAIL. Do NOT mail it or send it to him. Write daily, scream daily if need be. Grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been.

::I just want him back home and make a good life together. I have so much forgiveness but I know we would need to seriously talk about deep issues. But, I don't even know how he truly feels about this girl that he works with everyday and stays with all weekend.

You can't make a relationship work, when the other person isn't interested. He's with her. It doesn't matter how he feels about her. And I want you to think about this too: You want a lying, cheating, betraying guy, because his character traits are so outstanding? What about mutual respect, loyality, trustworthiness? His morals, values and standards have decided his course of action, his choices, decisions and behavior. I think there are so many women out there that think unconditional love or even just love means they don't have any self-respect or self-worth.... I hear so often "but I love him" as if that defines who they are and why they put up with crap in relationships.

Please, please focus on your healing. Value yourself. Make your feelings and mental well-being more important than him and what's going on in his head or life. Sorry. I hope helps more than it hurts.




Edited 11/28/2006 4:18 pm ET by itwinflame


Carrie