When does mourning become depression?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
When does mourning become depression?
6
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 3:41pm
I think there's a fine line between healing/mourning the loss of the relationship and becoming depressed. It has been 2 mos and 2 wks for me (we dated for 3+ yrs). It's been mostly no contact. I feel absolutely terrible. I try to keep busy but I am so unmotivated. I haven't gone grocery shopping in over a month. My apt is a mess, although I did manage to change my sheets the other day. Is this normal? I am worried that my mourning may have gone too far.

Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I just want to feel better already. Last week I was feeling pretty good, but then this week I feel like I've relapsed. Anyone else going through the same thing? Or can anyone shed some light?

Maybe I'm just realizing that this is really over. I really don't know. AARRGGHH!!


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 4:50pm
That's completely normal...you don't get over a r'ship of three years in a couple months!!! In my experience, to get completely over a r'ship of that length could take as long as 1.5 years...and that's from the point of establishing no contact. BUT, you won't feel this bad the whole time...it's a gradual process.

If, however, you don't find yourself making progress and find yourself in exactly the same state of mind six months after the breakup, then you might want to consider whether you are clinically depressed.

Hang in there...

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 5:14pm
Thanks for your response Sheri! I know I will get there.

At times I feel like I've made progress and I start to feel like myself again, but other times I feel that gut wrenching anxiety I felt at the beginning. I do believe a lot has to do with the fact that I have seen him 3x since the break up and have talked to him. I did finally tell him (at the advice of someone on the board, it may have been you)not to contact me unless he wanted to get back together. I told him I would not contact him until I was over him. It wasn't a bad break up which I think makes it a bit harder. Hopefully, having established the no contact rule, I will be able to move along a little more smoothly in my healing.

Thanks again for your post. I enjoy reading your valuable posts. They shed great insight and put things into perspective for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 6:53pm
Hey, three years is a long time. But if you're worried that you're taking it too far, you know you best, maybe you're right. I think it's natural to still feel hurt, lost, sad, etc., at this point. But if you're really not functioning, that is a problem. Maybe seeing your family doctor would help? It seems to be pretty easy to get on an anti-depressant these days, and maybe what you need is just a boost to get out of the rut.

If you're just not able to cope with daily life, I do think you should see a doctor. In addition to that, try to add more "stuff" to your life. I'm a furious multitasker, so even at my worst, my thoughts were, say, 85% upset and grieving, and 15% on other things, and the balance of that has shifted over the course of several months to where I spend most of my time occupied with work, my social life, my hobbies, time with my pets, time outdoors, whatever (but I still find some time for obsessing : ) ). Introduce more things into your life, they will start to crowd out the grieving. Make new routines - I go for an hour-long bike ride every night after work and dinner, even when I work pretty late. I look forward to that time, I wind down, and it's something just for me (plus my butt looks great these days).

I've joined an exercise class, reconnected with friends, spent time in the garden, taken up new hobbies. Try to add new activities and new experiences to your life, it may feel like you're forcing yourself to be active or social, at first, but soon it will start to shift the balance of your time from predominantly thinking about the breakup to mostly thinking about yourself and how fabulous life can be, and only slightly obsessing over the breakup. Not that I'm exactly a poster-child for the perfect recovery, but I can say that my grieving is more of an intellectual, rather than gut-wrenchingly physical, process at this point, and that I actually do spend most of my day busily working, chatting with friends, or paying attention to things other than the breakup. Time helps, bombarding yourself with stimuli from other people and other activities is crucial. If you're really not able to function right now, though, see your doctor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 7:55pm
Hi lb,

It was so funny reading your post. It sounds insensitive to say I laughed out loud, but it's because I'm going through the EXACT same thing. My apartment is a horrible mess, my kitchen (until yesterday because I had NO clean dishes) was disgusting, and I haven't done laundry in about 3 weeks. I've changed my sheets once in the last month but that's only because I had to make at least a weak attempt to get rid of the athlete's foot my ex left me as a souvenir. I finally managed to vacuum today for the first time.

I think it started when we first broke up and I decided that it was okay to be unmotivated for a little while. I sat around, watched TV, and surfed the net. But, then a while turned into a month, and I realized that not only was I physically depressed, but my emotional state had taken a nosedive too. I also realized I'd started drinking consistently, and alone, which is VERY unhealthy, and can develop into alcoholism.

It takes baby steps, and there are a few that I can offer. When your alarm goes off, get up and take a shower. Don't lay around in bed. Set it on the weekends also, and do the same thing. You can lay around after you've cleaned up, but the key is to take care of your body, which will help your mind get on the right track. As Milton said, see a doctor (or psychologist or social worker) if you feel you have no control, feel suicidal, experience irregular sleeping patterns (besides those normally expected), or lose your appetite. Those are all symptoms of severe depression, which can usually be fixed easily. I have reconnected with a couple of my friends, but I find I feel healthier when I can be alone and be comfortable. Friends are definately a good thing, but try to be comfortable with just yourself too.

I feel so much better just being able to walk around on the carpet in bare feet without debris sticking to them!:)

Keep on posting.

Monty

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 11:20pm
I know you're going through alot right now and it can all be very upsetting. Some people mourn for a very short period of time and some will mourn for years...... it all depends on the person, the relationship, and the situation. I think you should start small....force yourself to get back into your old routines....and try and go do things that would normally make you happy.....even if the thought of those things repulse you at the moment. Take up a new hobby, go shopping get your hair done....do things that will make you feel good about you. I know this is hard but we're here for you!!













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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 12:21am
Thanks Milton, Monty and Heidi for you support.

I went on a long walk today and had a talk with myself. :) I made sure the entire hour was spent telling myself only positive things about me and my life. It was a tremendous help. I was able to keep the positive self talk up throughout the rest of the evening. On my walk I realized that I no longer want to waste my time on someone who doesn't appreciate me. I don't want to give him power over me and my feelings. I want to be in control. I choose me. I can control my thoughts and therefore my feelings. I am so grateful for this board and all of you on here. I learn something from everyone of you. Ok, onward! I have faith that I will get through this.