when does the urge to call stop?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
when does the urge to call stop?
2
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 1:12pm
I feel so alone, and so lost today. It is a rainy Saturday here, pmsing, and this week has been unbelievable. I am just not sure how much more I can take. So I decided to write here, maybe venting or some advice or support will help me. In the last 8 months I have had 2 incredible dissapointments. I just am having a very hard time understanding how men wake up look in the mirror and have no conscience. From Nov. on I had this one, 40 years old, lie to me, he made plans for me to come see him for New Years, a week to Mexico and then to meet me on a business trip. All cancelled at the last minute. He was sort of a co-worker that had me moving, becoming his wife. Finally ended that and decided to go with plan b. I met a great guy online, we met, clicked, he even came to my family's house for Easter. He is in the guard, so he was away for 3 weeks, prior to that he was crazy about me. That weekend we planned way too much, it was Mother's day and we planned to go away before he left for a two week vacation. I was at the end of my rope stress wise. And lost it over losing my cell phone, he said my stress caused him stress and he did not answer my calls at all before he left. Said he would call when he got back. He did not. I called him last Thurs. asked to meet for a drink, said if I don't hear from you I will understand the situation. He called we went on a date, he was all over me, things were back to normal, I made breakfast, but it felt like he wanted me to leave. He kinda had plans to go to game in Boston, he called me at 8, the game was over but he was going anyway, even though he had to be back the next day, then he was going to go back for the game the next day again. Said he would call me Monday and asked how my week was, we would do dinner. We slept together right before I left that day, and fell asleep in each others arms. I felt so strongly for him,I almost started crying. Then nothing, no call. From a guy who asked me in the first weeks if I thought he was the one for me?
I cannot imagine any excuse for no call. Then my ex who I was to have married showed up at my office yesterday, the flood of emotions hit, came home and cried. He told me to plan the wedding and got engaged to someone else 2 months later. I am turning 40 in a few weeks, it seems to all just be piling up. I do too much for them. I cook, send care packages, and last week men were stoping and turing around to look. So I don't think I am an ogre. I want to call him and be like how can you do this? How can you be so into me one day and never call? 2 months of him calling each day, txting each day. He is in the guard, there is no way to meet any women. I just do not get it. I am so tired of being alone. For my birthday both these creeps had these plans for me. Now I am headed alone on vacation. My 2 best friends who I called sobbing yesterday, ignored me. I just miss him so much. And seeing my ex happily married, with kids, hurt so badly. I am going to go buy the book he is just not that into you and re read it. I gave my copy away. Maybe that will help. I know no good will come if I call him. But secretly I keep hoping he will call me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 6:11pm

First thing I'm going to tell you is what you probably already know: PMS intensifies any and all feelings, so ride it out.

Then I'm going to tell you I'm very sorry things have take this kind of turn in your life. Now's a good a time as any to turn your life around, you know. The very last thing you want to do is act on any feelings you may be having at the moment, I don't care if they're good or bad, just be still for now, make no decisions about anyone or anything, friend or foe.

I'm not entirely sure where you and Plan A fell apart, you really had little to no info on him, but I can tell you that a guy who moves that fast into your life (or anyone else's) can move out of it just as quickly. So just because he's engaged now (did I understand that right?) doesn't mean he'll be married tomorrow, or that the quickie wedding will last. Either way, he's not YOUR concern. Let it go.

As far as you and Plan B, I'm seeing all kinds of stuff going on there, mostly great big misunderstandings. Mind you, I have no idea who this guy is, so I can't side for or against him or you for that matter, but if you have a minute to open your mind, I'll point out a couple of things I see:

You tend to take your emotions out on the people around you, am I correct? You tend to wear your heart on your sleeve anymore. Learn to deal with your emotions and stress yourself, and don't let it affect how you treat those around you. No one is an emotional punching bag, not even yourself.

When you mentioned Boston and a game, I had to smile. I DO understand you two had just gotten reacquainted and that in a perfect world, he would give up his game, etc., however, I've dated a Sox fan seriously and they do have an almost unhealthy love for their home team ;) I remember having to check the team schedule and see if it clashed with some plans I might have for us. I figure out of all the vices he could have, I could live with sports being the main vice. So I feel ya there. Would have been nice if he'd invited you to go with, had you ever expressed an interest in the team or game?

As far as no call, I'm going to guess that maybe the emotions were running a bit high for Plan B the last time you two were together? We know men don't do well with overwhelming emotion. Even though this is the man who (irresponsibly, idealisticaly, romantically, whatever) made certain futuristic statements to you really early on, it's that same (irresponsible) behavior that lead many to stick their heads right back in the sand as soon as anything they suggest has a hint of becoming reality. Then they realize they spoke waayyy too soon. It becomes "too much" or "too serious" and the woman who doesn't know how to gracefully handle that will unknowingly exacerbate the problem by becoming sad, uncertain, insecure, confused. Watch out for guys who promise you the moon right away, chances are, you may not be able to count on their word later.

In the grand scheme of things, does it matter how one man can be so into you one second and then nothing the next? I'm asking you to reflect on that seriously. Would it help if I told you that some men don't grow up until much later? Would it help if I told you that some women truthfully don't know how to capture the real heart of a man because they're so busy guarding their own? Probably none of that helps, so therefore, don't dwell on it, just accept that this crap happens and move on knowing you are exactly where you need to be.

In the Guard, there's AMPLE opportunity to meet women, unless he's in some military situation of which I am completely unawares. I remember working with guys almost 20 years ago in the service, and their wives/girlfriends were absolutely convinced there were no women near their men. How wrong they were, but it made for happier/quieter home lives for the guys and their SOs.

I think instead of buying the book you mentioned, you might do well to read a different one: Make Every Man Want You (or Make Yours Want You More) by Marie Forleo. The book itself has very little to do with the title, and everything to do with it. I know that's an odd description, just read it. I *promise* you that book will make much more of a significant and positive difference in your life than the other one.

You're at a crossroads in your life, it's not just about men and you know it. It's time to finally pull yourself up and create the life you've always wanted. What are you going to do about it?

Best,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 9:51am

Sandra, thank you. I think I mixed up my explanations a bit. Plan A was a guy I met through work in Nov. We clicked when we met and then communicated via telephone, he made all these plans, etc. He has no issues with monetary things. But was trying to get over someone he has loved all his life. I dealt with it thinking he would come around, but it was the same excuse. I told him life is too short, he is 40, they both divorced their spouses because the could not get their act together sooner due to childish games. They dated for 2 years but could not get along. What I don't get with that one, ok, so she is the love of your life, waited years to be together, why did he not propose to her like in 6 months. I refuse to date anyone at this age for 2 years. That right there should have screamed commitment phobia. I said good bye, that I did love him on some level but be happy life is just too short to waste it by playing games. Be with her or not but figure it out.

The man who told me to plan the wedding was a few years back, the emotions I guess just hit at the wrong time, and seeing him this week, PMS week, was not good. My ant hills become emotional mountains, but that is over. I never want to see or hear from him again. We had some issues to settle, money wise, the only reason.

And as far as the guard, he is in Special Forces, I thought women could not be a part of that group? He worked at a large corp. and has taken off a year to do this training again. I guess it is an on going thing, but I don't know enough. As far as meeting women, well I hate to admit it but he WAS down south for 3 weeks, going out with the boys, he could have met anyone I suppose. He was calling me, txting me constantly telling me how much he missed me and could not wait to see me. Yeah right. Strangely he was sent back there for 2 days right when he got back from his European vacation. Jet lag and all, he could have been going to see another woman he met. I sent the e-mail which led to the date, but I specifically gave him the out to never call again. I wish he took the high road instead of what he did, lead me on.

As far as the game goes, he is Yankee's fan and I do not deny any guy from going to those games, I would have liked to go, but it was just him and the guys, they were staying over in Boston. What got me upset and what was not like him is that he went on Saturday, after he called me at 8 to say we would see each other this week, to tell me he was going even though the game was over. So he was going up there to party with the guys, then come all the way back for the morning, he has some speech thing to do for the guard, then was going all the way back for the Sunday night game. That to me made NO sense. I would have never choose partying over him. If he really wanted the relationship he claimed at the beginning when actually I was letting all his words go in one ear out the other. I had just been lied to for 5 months, and really was not buying it. I was not even that into him, but became into him. It seems as soon as you like them, then sense it, I probably show it in my eyes, I have been told. They run like rats. I just wish he left things alone last week, left me alone, it was already 2 going on 3 weeks of no talking, much better than ripping open the wound.

Sorry, just getting it out I guess helps. It really does not matter now, he is not calling. And even if he did, I could never trust this behavior of his, this dissapearing act. He is going for top secrect clearance. Do you know anything about that? I am sure he would use that as his excuse, once is he done with whoever. There were also things I did not like when I step back. On our first date, I do this little test, I offer to buy a drink, I really don't like the men who allow that on a first date. I think it is poor manners and taste. He allowed it and allowed me to pay for other things in the beginning too. Maybe he was looking for some sugar mama. Been there done that. No more. I just have to say this I HATE CHEAP MEN. I am super generous to them in a relationship. I probably do way too much. I even sent him a care package, filled with Men's Health Mags, cards from me, a baked strawberry-banana bread and lots of other things. When he came home he was staying at one of those residence inn places. 5 of the guys are. So I bought him candles, air difuser, champagne to celebrate, chocolate dipped strawberries I made and kept cold on ice all day, things to make it feel more like a home than a hotel. And last week, I spent quite a bit on making breakfast. He bought me two things from VS, which really are for him. He said he missed me so much when he was away, but I did not get a care package, ie. flowers. The night he cooked me dinner, I KNOW Stop and Shop has flowers, would 6 bucks be a big deal? He went on vaction and never even thought of me, probably planned on never talking to me until I sent the email. I went to AZ on a business trip and bought items from there, I thought of him. I should have stayed at the arms length level I was when we met, I just think, sadly you need to keep that going for them to realize they won the prize. Some sick ego stroke.

I am going to get that book today, sounds great and I love to read, hoping I can hit yoga too. Thanks for listening and the advice. It is what I needed. L