When is enough enough?
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| Sat, 03-04-2006 - 12:07am |
Sorry if this is off topic, but I am looking for input from those who have been through difficult breakups.
My boyfriend and I will have been dating a year at the end of this month. When we met (and started dating) we had both just gotten out of serious, long term relationships with the people we were going to marry, so we had somewhat of a difficult start.
I love my boyfriend to bits and he is a really great guy. He is constantly doing nice things for me, we can still stay up all night just talking, we have a great sex life, share hobbies in common that we are passionate about, and spend 4-5 nights a week together (even though we live an hour apart), you name it. We had a very strong connection from the beginning.
There is one major issue though that I don't know what to do about. His former fiancee dropped him out of nowhere (she esentially used him to get through college and then grad school, then cheated on him and dumped him in a cruel way), which I understand is devestating as I went through a horrible break up with my fiance as well, even more recently than he did. The problem is that I don't think he is over it, and I have no idea when (or if) he ever will be.
When my former fiance and I broke up it was by far the worst thing that I had ever been through in my life. He did not take the breakup well at all and was abusive and cruel to me (as he had been for the previous year), even going so far as to break into my home and take a box of sleeping pills in the hopes that I would find him dead when I woke up in the morning. Nice, huh? And that is only the tip of the iceburg of the crap he put me through. But despite this, after my initial mourning period I picked myself up and moved on with my life and I haven't looked back since. I know now that my breakup was a blessing and I am really happy with my life and looking forward to my future.
I just don't get the feeling that my current boyfriend shares my sense of optimism. First of all, he refused to discuss his breakup or the circumstances of it with ANYONE. He told people about it only when they asked and would snap at them when they asked for details. Normal in the beginning I guess, but I don't know. Despite this, he has never had a problem discussing his previous relationship or breakup with me. He tells me it is because I am the only person he is comfortable discussing this with.
While on one hand I am very happy that he is so comfortable confiding in me, I really have a conflict of interest here. I mean, what are you supposed to say when your boyfriend goes on and on about his ex?!?! His emotions seem to range from anger and bitterness towards her to putting her and her family up on pedestals. He claims that this is just his way of working through things.
I am trying SO hard to be patient, especially since he doesn't bring her up often, but the problem is that I don't know if there is an end in sight. If this were to go on for another 3-6 months I guess that is OK, but what if he is still whining about his ex after another year has passed? I also find it unsettling that he is still not over this breakup when it has been over a year, and I was over mine ages ago.
Part of me thinks he just needs some tough love. Of course people are going to be devestated over breakups right after the fact, but shouldn't he be over it 15 months later? I feel like I am losing a bit of respect for him over this: I know as well as anyone that breakups suck, but for gods sake if this is the worst thing that ever happens to him he will be very lucky.
Do I have a legitimate right to wonder if this relationship has a future, or should I be more patient?
Sarah

Hi Sarah,
Maybe he doesnt relise how much this is hurting you, sure some people are ok discussing their ex's, but if his doing so i causing you heartache then you need to tell him, he needs to focus on YOUR relationship and YOUR relationship only, only then will it settle down. If he hasn't got closure from his previous relationship then this is what he needs to get over, he can't continue to mope over this while you are there hurting.
"I love my boyfriend to bits and he is a really great guy. He is constantly doing nice things for me, we can still stay up all night just talking..."
Reading your post - It sounds as though you have a terrific relationship;
be patient...that's the key.
The surrounding circumstances of your breakup with a former boyfriend was very different
to the breakup that your current boyfriend experienced.
Being used and dump without warning- a different type of healing needs to take place.
As opposed to your breakup. Simply put, you made a choice. His was made for him.
"His emotions seem to range from anger and bitterness towards her to putting her and her family up on pedestals. He claims that this is just his way of working through things."
His fluctuating feelings are natural reactions - He could be pushing you away, then pulling you close with each wave of emotion.
- Realize how lucky you are to have him be this comfortable and open with you.
My advice: Let him work through it his way without pressure, be patient and thankful for the great times you share together.
It's legitimate to wonder something like that. I've been through something similar. When I first met my ex of 4 years (we'll call him K), he was just 3 months out of a 7 year emotionally abusive relationship. The first year was tough, there was a lot of healing to be done, but ultimately we knew that we wanted to be together so we worked through it. We had a wonderful 4 years together, and we are still best friends today. (The breakup later was unrelated to his previous relationship, I actually freaked out about settling down too young.)
The point is, if you feel an intense connection with him, it may be worth exploring the future together, but he has to be willing to open up and communicate. Maybe he needs therapy, maybe he just needs time. But if this issue is making you utterly miserable and it is not improving, it may also be a signal to reconsider.
Hope this helps =/
-enkie
hi kittybird
if i were you i dont have to pretend that everthing that he tells you about his exgf is okay...atleast be honest and tell him that you dont feel comfortable of the exgf topic at all...IS NOT BC YOUR NOT BEING PATIENCE OR UNDERSTANDING...IT JUST AFFECTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP...YOUR GETTING CONFUSED WHY HIS BRINGING HIS PAST AND ALL THE GRIEF HE HAS FOR THE X..YOU SHOULD START TALKING AND TELL HIM THE TRUTH..DONT BE SCARED THAT YOU MIGHT SEND HIM AWAY...HE NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NOT COMFORTABLE ON THAT TOPIC...IT HURT YOU!!!