when enough is enough

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
when enough is enough
10
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 9:44pm

I have been preparing for 3 days to break off my 6 month affair with a MM. We met over a year ago on the net (yes, I know) and what started as friendly chats quickly grew into much more. We live thousands of miles apart so we have never met but we have cams and mikes and its almost like being there. Almost. Plans were made and broken to meet. It just never happened. But the love was there - as much as it could be without being close.

Like a "normal" relationship (define normal) everything was wonderfully blissful the first 4 months. Then things changed. Just like a normal relationship, the time spent on messenger became less frequent and less often. But those times we did chat were as fulfilling as ever. But they have now become less frequent and much shorter in duration.

Since the friendship grew into love, he has told me every day how deeply in love with me he is and how he wants me to be with him for the rest of his life. I have more photos of his family and know more about his family than his family. It was the most wonderful loving relationship I have ever been in. The only thing missing was the physical contact which was not too terribly difficult to deal with.

Intially, my MM told me he was divorced. Had been for several years. When things became hot, he confessed to me that he was still married has wanted a divorce for years and the standard "I have to wait until my daughter is in college, which is 2 yrs from now. He said he had planned on leaving his wife at that time and that was his plan before he met me. They have not shared the same bedroom for 5 years (or so he claims). Yes, this betrayal sent me on a tailspin but I decided to remain in the A and see where it goes. Needless to say, since he told me he was still married, I've become to doubt anything he says is the truth. That's normal, isnt it??

Recently, I discovered the MSN Block feature. It tells you if you have been blocked from seeing if a person is online. This was the worst discovery of my life. MM will tell me he has to run somewhere or do something and yet, there he is, still online for hours and hours and hours. Yes, this had made me extremely paranoid that I'm not the only one on his "chat" list. The times with me are growing increasing less while the times he's not with me yet still shows online are growing by the hours. And I did question him about it. Of course he denied being online. I "dismissed" it stating maybe there was something wrong with his IP or he "forgot" to sign out. He is an extremely accomplished liar - I think - but I could be wrong - deadly wrong. So now not only do I not trust his words, I don't trust him. And I came into this relationship pretty insecure to begin with so I dont want a repeat of my past relationships coming into play her.

Now it is obvious there is a distraction from me in his life. He still comes online for me 2-3-4 times a day but for only 10 - 15 minutes then gives me the excuses why he cant chat longer and leaves. And, I check and there he is, online for hours.

So you're all thinking "kick this guy to the curb" ! And yes, I agree, for the most part. I am in love with him which is hard, but I do not like him anymore. That should make my ending the A a teeny bit easier. But I am quite in love with him.

Now here's the kicker. My MM has recently learned that he has a severe heart condition and he is totally depressed and quite afraid of losing his life because of this condition. I can tell he is depressed by what he says. He has become very fatalistic in his words.
He still tells me how in love he is with me, how he doesn't want to lose me, etc. etc. Now, should I believe all this??? Would now be the worse time in the world to end my A with him? I do believe his medical condition to be true. I've seen the physical change in him. Now, I feel as though I'm adding to his stress which is one reason I am chosing to end the A. At the same time, I feel if I do end the A, it will hurt him to the point that he doesnt care if he lives or dies. He has made that statement while he was depressed. He wont seek counseling at all. Either for his marriage or his emotional state. And this is no puney little dude. He's a lumberjack-type man, tall and burly.

So what's a girl to do here? I dont want to make the biggest mistake of my life by pushing away a man I do deeply love. At the same time, with the lies he's told me, the IM mystery and now this depression he's under, should I stay and help him through this? Little I can do so far away but be supportive and loving to him.

I'm in a state of disbelief that this is happening. I truly believed this was The Man!
And he still may be - I just dont know what to do. I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on this one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2005
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 12:24am

I would go with your gut feeling...this guy is obviously online for hours with someone other than you...who knows what games he's playing with them? Someone whose marriage is not working, but spends hours on the computer does not sound like relationship material to me.

By the way, how does that block finding thing work?

Good luck, I hope you don't waste more time on this loser.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 5:32am

Unfortunately, the block checker works TOO well, that is if it is accurate. Without it, I would have never known that he's not away when he says he is. It is a demon in disguise and will eat you alive. With my sitution, it has caused me great anxiety because he may be talking to friends or family members for support right now so who's to say. I don't believe that's the case. If you chose to use it, just be prepared for what you discover. How a simple website can be so heart wrenching.

Last night, he came online to tell me goodnite and that he loves me, like he does every night. I wanted to tell him so bad that I'm letting him go but I could tell how depressed he was. Combined with him not being well, I just couldn't do it. Today is the day, maybe.

I am so thankful for your response. This is a very difficult, almost life changing decision I have make here. All I want is that my decision to be the right one and one that will keep both of us from being hurt, any more than we already are (any more than I already am).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 6:34am

I feel every bit of your pain. I also feel you deep down, know this is all wrong and it's time to find a love that is available and honest. Having a long distance relationship on IM does not allow the depth of emotion and to really fully know someone. And if he is doing this to his wife with you he is most likely engaged in chat with others as you know.

How do you see if you are blocked? I am keen on that as I block people.

Why suffer more..move on. You deserve the very best and he does not offer anything close to meeting your needs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 7:04am

To see if you are blocked, you type in the email address (hotmail and yahoo email accounts) of the person you want to check the status of. If your messenger shows them offline but the block checker shows them online, then they have blocked you from seeing their status.

Again, be cautious of using this site because it could and does create a tremendous amount of stress, depending on your reason to check the person's status. Even though the person shows offline on your messenger and online on the status checker, that doesn't necessarily mean they are chatting and/or cheating on you with someone else. Please keep this in mind. (I'm trying very hard to keep this in mind.) They could be just surfing the net...totally innocent. I truly do not recommend using it if you are the least bit insecure in your relationship, like I was/am. Like I said, I regret the day I ever found it but then again, it may have saved me from being totally devistated down the road. More so than I am already.

Thank you for your advice. I truly appreciate it. You are right. The IM thing does lack some depth but with the cam and microphone it will still create such a strong bond as you see the person's facial responses and, most important, you can see the look in their eyes and hear their voice. Being able to see and hear them in real time has a greater impact as opposed to merely reading typed words which contain no emotion.

This whole IM thing, the internet online dating/chat world is a wonderful tool but can be so devistating. My A has been just as fulfilling and just as painful as any other relationship I have had. Even more so because the distance between the two of us has made the "fantasy" more challenging - but so very frustrating.

Only time will tell with us.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 11:46am

You might try the Ending an Affair board for additional feedback.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 12:20pm

Well little time has past since I initially posted. And in that little time everything came to a shocking close.

I have a dear friend who has gone through this exact same situation. She has been my touchstone. We primarily communicate via email. Last nite, I wrote an email to her telling her that I still haven't had the chance to talk to MM to end the A.

I accidently sent the email to MM ! ! !

He came online this morning and verbally beat the hell out of me. I tried to explain to him that he did not understand what I was trying to do. That I was not dumping him because I did not love him or had someone else. That I wanted to slow down the relationship until his health improved, his divorce was final, etc. He did not believe a word I said. Accused me of lying to him all these months and accused me of having another man in my life. Again, I tried to reassure him that I had never lied to him and that he was the only man in my life and the only man I wanted in my life.

So, what I've been stressing over for 3 days came to a cruel end with one slip of the finger. I am totally overwhelmed about his reaction. The email he accidently received was not hostile or angry in tone. It was all about my concern for his health and the added pressure our A may be having on it. It stated my deep love for him - that I loved him enough to let him go and hopefully he would return to me as the man I fell in love with.

Now a few hours have past. Reliving the horrible words he said to me, I can only think that he has wanted to end this for some time as well but just hadnt found a way to do it. This was his opportunity to end it. The overreaction on his part to the email cannot be justified.

I saved the email and have read it and re-read it. It was nothing less than total love on my part for him and concern for his well being and peace of mind.

So I pick up the pieces and move on. Yes, I have deleted him from messenger. But I will miss him greatly. I had given him my life - now I have it back.

I still do not believe I did anything wrong. In fact, I feel I was more than understanding and forgiving and put 100% into this relationship when I received 5% back in return.
Live and learn? I dont know about that. This hurt will last forever because I so wanted to remain friends with him.

Life goes on........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 6:03pm
A person who cheats on you will accuse you of doing it to them. It's very much in the front of their mind, the cheating. They spend so much time thinking about it (and stomping down on the guilt).
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 6:30pm

I never thought of that. I really feel he was because of all of the times he said he had to "leave" but was still online for hours at at time. Cant play online bingo that long.

All I know is that I'm drained. A part of me is almost relieved that this is over. Then I have the other part that misses him so much is overwhelming me. I dont know if I miss him or just missing the wonderful feeling of being in love with someone.

Tomorrow is another day.........wish it was tomorrow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 7:13pm
Brace yourself. Maybe he will not contact you again, maybe you will be smart enough not to contact him. But maybe one of you will reach out. Be strong!
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 1:12pm

Have you ever thought that if he was cheating on his wife with you, he probably had several others? The thing about online affairs is that you don't know the person. It's just a bunch of words. You can't call him on things and they probably tell you what you want to hear. People like to play on others emotions weather to lead, play or destroy.

My husband had an online affair and asked me if you could love someone you never met.Of course I left him. I found out he had several women, not just the one. Now he cries and tells me he wants me back. That it was all a fantasy world that he got wrapped up in.

So how can you tell if someone tells you the truth? Would you be with someone who you new personally and was married?

Please be careful with any online acquaintances. You may get hurt as well as hurt a family who is unaware of the situation.

Every woman should know they are wonderfull and not let anyone take advantage of them in any way.

Good luck