When enough is enough?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
When enough is enough?
3
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 6:01pm
I have been dating this guy for about a year. I have been in United States most of my life, however, I belong to this small ethnic group. He was from the same ethnicity as I am. As we started dating, after a few months he told me that he cannot marry a girl without his parent's permission (they are impossible to convince) and plus they are about to die so he cannot pressure them as their health is critical. I respected that. As I thought that him and I clicked.

Despite the fact that I have modernized and so had he, I could see some things in his behavior in terms of respecting me. At numerous times, he accused me of things that I had no clue about. But on my end, I mostly stayed mute. I never accused him of anything and tried to explain situations to defend myself. Yes, I was naiive, because I found myself loving this guy. Small abuses continued. A year went by, he improved over time. SInce we knew eachother better.

As I noticed the progress, I got more confident about the relationship. I started to believe that if you have faith in something, it does come through. However, I did notice disruptive behavior here and there. We never talked about our future, nor we ever lived together.I started to get anxious. He told me that he'd try to convince his parents, but then he never shared any details with me. The only thing I ever heard was that its tough, its very tough from him. Despite all that, I kept my eyes closed, took it day by day, as my friend told me.

I had this problem, I was new in town and didnt know many people. I made him my number 1 priority. Anyway, as time went on, and I'd try to ask him about the progress he'd accuse me of something, pointing that regardless of his family situation, I am not good enough. It hurt me emotionally, I tried harder to meet his expectations. He tried to break up with me a couple of times over nothing. One time over a silly conversation about bush vs. kerry where he accused me that I dont respect his political views (I cant even vote in this country, I could care less who wins) and today he dumped me by accusing me that I dont respect him. After I bursted in tears, he showed no signs of emotions. He has always been so cold.

He said, that after asking to break up that he still wants to be with me. He has been doing this to me, threatening to break up and then getting back to me. I am in pain. I feel like that my existence is falling into pieces.

There is a part of me that is so wounded because of this. I am angry at myself for staying in this kind of situation, where I got abused mentally so many times. But then, there is a part of me, which still loves him. I cannot live without talking to him for a day, but then, I cannot keep hurting. I dont even have any family I can turn to in this country.

On the other hand, I have a great career, I workout 5 times a week, and am financially very successful. I feel like that at this point, this will impact the things that are going for me. I keep thinking that I have so much invested in him, it is very rare that I can click like this with someone, but then there is a part of me which cannot get hurt anymore. I am in this dilemma, at the same time, I am so angry at myself, for going this far.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 10:44pm
I'm sorry to hear about your trouble. I was in a mentally abusive relationship as well and as easy as it is for a lot of people to say you shouldn't care about him you still do. It sounds like you are suffering from a codependent relationship and hence part of the struggle you are having. It wasn't good he was your whole world, but do you at least feel strong enough to let it be known you aren't going to get back together with him and piece your life back together? I think right now that is the most important step. He is not worth staying with, you deserve better and most of all to be respected and treated like a human being. He is actively controlling you and your life despite your successes. I can go on and on with how toxic this guy is for you, but you also have to realize those things for yourself. You sound vulnerable as well. He's been your life, he is part of a small group of your kind but also take a step back and look at the situtaion, it will help. He has not given you any definates about where your relationship is going, you've given him space and time and in the end you have been hurt. I don't know about you but I wouldn't want someone marrying me and holding over my head the fact that their parents say that "you aren't good enough for him." He could use that against you at any time. He is controlling and I don't doubt he would just to hurt you. We all want to believe that people are not such malicious creatures but they are and it happens. You are a kind, gentle and caring person, you have stayed quiet and bided your time, but there is only so much one should take until they need to walk out the door.

Just humor me and take a look at this site about codependency: http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm While it isn't completely necessary to undergo counseling it may help. When I finally understood it I was able to stop the ugly pattern I was in and stop letting it affect my life, my job and every other aspect of my life. While this man may never get so violent he would hit you, words hurt just as badly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 11:56am
Thank you so much for taking the time to talk about my situation. This means a lot to me, for I cannot talk to anyone about it. I dont have any family nor I know many ppl who I can share this information with. This means a lot to me.

I do agree with most of what you have said. Lets just say that my eyes are opening. I am starting to look at the bigger picture. I did check out the site about codependency. I was just wondering (maybe, I need to read the definitions again) but you are referring that he is codependant. Well, my upbrining was very diff from what is described in the defintion. Plus, I do have only one symptom where I do tend to be very giving, only if I really care for that person. On the other hand, he has all the symptoms and the settings to develop it.

Anyway, I am just thankful to you and I hope that there will be more ppl who will help me get through this. As all this is extremely difficult for me. I take it moment by moment. Its a struggle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 10:25pm
I'm sorry you're going through this pain but deep down I think you know what is best for you. You know that the way he treats you isn't right and as long as you allow him to do it, he will. I know it hurts now but I think the break up is probably for the best. In time you'll get over him and move on if you allow yourself to, that is and you will be much happier in the long run....you won't have to walk around on eggshells anymore and you can just be yourself. I think you should just cut all ties with him and stop contact and give yourself time to heal. But this is your life and your choice....no matter what you decide, I wish you the best and we're here if you need us.









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