when he contacts you right after...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
when he contacts you right after...
11
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 1:59am
I just broke up with my boyfriend, he helped me move my things out of his house yesterday. The break up is sort of complicated, but what it comes down to, is, he wants to be single again (and obviously date others). He claims he wants us to be friends, he says he treats his friends better than anyone he is dating or married to (we were both married once before, his divorce ended in 1996 after a 9 year marriage). I'm thinking: okay, whatever. I still love the guy, but know when to walk away and am adult enough to remain friends...at a distance until my heart heals.

My question is this: Why do they keep calling? A huge case of guilt? Missing me? I know he is capable of staying friends with the ex-wife and people he has dated, have seen him in action and staying in touch with ex-girlfriends while we were together. Not a big issue.

It was maybe 2 hours after he dropped me off at my house after moving my things out yesterday and he calls me to say he is sorry for rushing me earlier, and that he wants us to get together next week after he gets back from his business trip he left on this morning (Sunday, 8/22), to call him (I can't stand it when someone says: "call me" as though what's going on in their life has more of a priority, besides, HE initiated this break up) He then calls me AGAIN today, leaving 2 messages, one on my cell and the other at home in the early afternoon, (he was sitting on the plane on the runway in Atlanta - he had flown earlier this morning from Portland, Oregon, where we both live) saying he got a text message from me late last night and is hoping I am okay. The thing is, I NEVER sent him a text message or called him on his cell last night. I have never, ever sent him a text message in all the time I have known him. Obviously he has been thinking about me, but why so many calls? Is it just an excuse to talk to me? What's up with that...I KNOW I didn't send him a text message (too many complicated steps on my phone), and he knows I didn't send a text message...

He knows how I feel about him, is this his ego talking or just an excuse to stay in contact?

A little history: We had lived together since April and haven't been apart except when he was away on business for 5 days this past June. Every night otherwise we have been together. Yes, it has been really hard and I have been crying a lot this past week. It has been hard on both of us, he says this is hurting him too, but I know the attraction to be single is tugging on him much harder - he probably has one or two women showing interest in him right now.

I have been through break ups much, much harder than this, but this guy, I really love and care about. I'm wise enough to know not to fall prey to games, but what could be

going through his head at this point? I am strong enough to go on knowing that I have to, even though I'm not happy about it.

Anyone have experience with their contacting you? I haven't called him back even though he asked me to call him to let him know I am okay, he said on his message he was concerned about me that I was alright. Other than this break up, we still care about each other, but I am needing to heal right now and go off in the corner to lick my wounds. Any sound advice?





Edited 8/23/2004 9:18 am ET ET by februarymoon4

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 9:50am
Yep, guilt is a big factor. Also, immaturity - he's not prepared for the consequences of the breakup, which include you being hurt and not being in his life. He wants his cake and wants to eat it, too - he wants to date others, but wants his life to change as little as possible - he wants the same routines, wants the loving support of you, wants your fabulous self as part of his life, and wants to feel like a good guy. What do you want, though? This upsets you, it's too soon, and it's not good for your healing. So back off the communication, just let him whistle into the wind for a bit. You don't have to be friends with an ex, and when you can be friends, it's generally after considerable time has passed and so has the residual love, attraction, anger, and bitterness from the relationship and its breakup. I'm not sure if people who are friends with exes just forget that it takes some time for that to be a comfortable thing, and hope to jump right through the awkward breaking up phase and into sunny friendship, but it doesn't work that way, not for anyone. I'm sure that's what it is, though - he wants everything to be smooth and easy, he doesn't want you to be hurt, he doesn't want the chaotic post-breakup emotional turmoil, but that's just immature and there's nothing he can do about it - the consequences of his decision will cause you pain, you have a right to feel it, and no obligation to pretend you're not feeling it just because it will make him feel better about his decision if you can be immediate casual friends. Ignore him until you think you want friendship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 10:42pm
i think milton hit it right on the head with them wanting it all, you and other woman or single life , whatever. As usual, its ALL about their needs. My ex is trying the same FRIEND deal. after he hurt me terribly. (one day he didnt call me all day or show up when we saw each other daily for 4 years - when he called the next day lied and said he went on a motorcyle ride alone and got back late, after MUCH questioning he admitted that he took another woman with him and kissed her!! ) I said have a nice life and hung up.

I NEVER contacted him. Now 6 wks later he calls me saying, dont you miss me?? I think about you all the time and miss talking to you. Cant we be friends?? I would like to think i could talk to you or call you if i need anything, and i could do the same for you.

I said i cant be friends with you at present, as my feelings are still strong. Then he says he broke his own heart when he did this, and he made a mistake. My son is coming home on leave from army(in korea) in early sept........then he was asking if he could visit him when he is home, i said not a good idea, then he asked if he could come down to talk, i said we already talked on the phone. How do they think they can just screw with your life then just call up all sad and sentimental. Was he thinking of me when he took off with another woman?? I think not. Hejust thinks he can have it all, now feeling guilty about what he did, and the consequences of his actions,,,,,,,no more ME!!! THen he had the nerve to say something was missing with the NEW women..( Yeah ME you moron!!)

Geez!!! It baffles my mind. I say they dont deserve our friendship. Friends dont treat friends like crap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 1:39pm
milton and vonnie are both right... but I think that FEAR is also a part of this phenomenon... my stb-x husband walked out on our marriage for the 2nd time in April... we tried marriage counseling thru May to no avail... it was just trying to give CPR to a dead relationship... but he says he really wants to remain friends... HUH? WHY? oh yeah.... and NO WAY! His need for friendship comes from fear and guilt in my opinion... the guilt is obvious, he tore our lives apart by walking out. The fear is a fear of being lonely, despite the fact that he doesn't want to be with me... fear of change, having me around is comfortable... fear of not having a support system like he had with me, whether he admits it to himself or not he calls because I have been a never ending source of support... and a fear of the unfamiliar, he calls just because he has for so long. When he has a funny story or just feels like chatting it was me he has turned to for 9 yrs...

BUT- he threw that away, as did your ex... I do believe they care... aka- they don't want to hear we were in a horrible car accident... and they feel some love or affection, like you do for someone you've known for a long time... but that is not marital love, or the type of love you want in a partner... not nearly enough.




Edited 8/25/2004 1:41 pm ET ET by cabikerchick

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 4:35pm
sounds like he can`t commit to a girl going by what you wrote,at least he is doing you a favor by being honest and not continuing the realtionship,and he is not good boy-friend material if he treats his friends better than the women he sees,not good.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 4:38pm
ya that is pretty crappy..I think they want to just hold onto you in case other relationships don`t work out or they can`t find anyone...hey too bad,you treat someone who is right for you like crap and don`t put effort into the relationship then that is their problem...then they are sorry later...and we are better off
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 8:25pm
YES YES YES --- they KNOW they had a good thing and they want to be able to come back to it at THEIR convenience!!! Not only are these boards littered with those of us who have been through it -- CABIKERCHIK and I are examples -- I actually took him back... TWICE... to be broken up with the same way three times -- even as we were breaking up, he said "I can't bear to not have you in my life...." The no-contact is the only way for BOTH of you to move on.

A true commitment-phobe can't commit to either the relationship OR to ending it; I think "commitment-phobe" is a fancy word for immature a**hole, but there's some truth to the premise!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 3:48pm
As hard as all of this is...I tend to agree with you. He is a commitmentphobe of the worst kind.

He called me **AGAIN** Yesterday evening at 6pm (while I was still at work, so obviously he didn't want to talk to me directly, he only wanted to leave a message) to let me know that he had come back in town Wednesday night instead of his planned Friday night (tonight), that he had to cut his trip short, he had not been feeling well, was having some chest pain ::breaking out the vioins folks::...

He stated on his message that he "just wanted to let me know, that he was home and wanted to call me, that we should get together sometime, and give him a call.

What is up with his calling so much? My ex-husband didn't even call me this often after our break up. I'm guessing he needs a familiar person around in case whoever it is he has started seeing doesn't work out. Most likely also by my being around tells him he is an "okay person" for doing what he's doing. Yeah, right. I'm not about to massage his ego.

So far, since I moved out of his house last Saturday, he has called me 4 times and called once but hung up, not leaving a message (caller ID...). At first I thought he was calling because of guilt, because he called me 3 times within the first 24hours of our splitting up.

Now I don't have even a clue, except his relaying to me what's going on in his life because I'm not living at his house any more and he doesn't have anyone to talk to...





iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 4:03pm
I think it can still be guilt - mine contacted me months later, because of his guilt over how he'd behaved to make me leave him. And, like you said, I think yours and mine want to feel like good guys. Yours doesn't want to feel like a bad guy for being with this new girl and for breaking your heart, so checking in with you makes him feel better (if you'll talk to him, he must be okay). Additionally, he may just want to know that you're there, in reserve, just in case his decision doesn't work out and he wants to come back. I also posted in response to Reagan elsewhere on the board my lengthy thoughts about what his problem is when he calls repeatedly for no obvious reason, http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=16321.2. I would not read anything into frequent contact - it does not mean he wants you back, regrets his decision, doesn't love the new girl, or anything else like that. You shouldn't believe any of those things until/unless you hear it from him and it is backed up by action showing that he still loves you. In my experience, you do yourself a lot of harm by making any assumptions about what contact means.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 5:56pm
I don't actually know for sure that he has another woman right now, but I certainly don't doubt it if he does. This man has many, many more women friends than he does guy friends. For some reason he has that magic touch with women, and he isn't that great looking. He is East Indian and loves to have a good time, plus he has accomplishments that make him attractive to women and has a comfortable lifestyle at age 45. He also has an open personality and naturally connects with women at their level and that gives him the advantage. I am one of many who have fallen for his BS and found out the hard way after it's too late.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 12:16pm
FM4-

My ex was doing the same thing.... calling and leaving messages on the status of his cat who had to have his leg amputated.... updates on his job... his mother...

I finally called him back and asked him not to contact me, telling him that I could not be his friend. He kept asking "well, WHEN can we be friends?" and telling me that he loved me (he broke up with me, by the way.... three times in two years) and didn't want to not have me in his life. It was excruciatingly difficult to do this, but I know that what I want from him is more than casual friendship, so it's time to move on.

If you know that you want more than just being "friends" (which really means he wants to keep you hanging around HOPING you'll be more while he is free to do what he wants and still see you on HIS whims...) then instead of wondering about the reasons for the contact, you could tell him to leave you alone so you would have the peace of knowing you can "lick your wounds" (your words...) in private.

It is SO reassuring for me to know that he will not call now (although he did call once after I asked him not to, the calls have stopped for a full week!!) and that when the phone rings, your heart won't jump.

Best of luck; it's not easy by any stretch...

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