When is it time to move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
When is it time to move on?
2
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 10:58pm

Hi everyone,
I've been lurking around this board for a while now. My "boyfriend" and I officially broke up last week, exactly, after having dated for 3 months. About a month before this "official" breakup, we had (mostly, he did) decided to give the relationship a break cuz he was sooo busy at work (he's a college professor- no, he wasn't MY college professor. He's only a couple yrs older than I.) and was totally stressed out to the max. He said that after the term ended and if we still wanted to be together, that it would just happen. That we would really know how we felt about each other by then and if we wanted to be with no one else. The thing is, when he said all this to me, I didn't feel like I needed anything to figure out-- I already knew how I felt about him and that I wanted to only be with him. So that hurt. So for the last month, I saw him like 3 times, under highly emotionally charged circumstances ( I was really sad about this temporary "time out" and missed him a LOT and told him so, and he felt guilty but more exhausted than anything). Then last week, after we'd had a fight, we OFFICIALLY broke up. He said that he wants to be single for a while, things may change in the future but he couldn't expect me to wait, wasn't sure that he wanted a relationship with me, and that he really likes me a lot, connected with me, and a bunch of other stuff that I guess doesn't really matter, now that I think about it. I mean, if I meant something to him, we'd just still be together, right??? There wouldn't need to be any figuring out, right?????

So anyway that was last week. I'm sad, of course, but seem to be doing better than I thought I would. I've had bad luck in my relationships in the past 5 years, and he was the first guy that I really felt a connection with and saw potential in. I'm really disappointed and just feeling incredibly cynical. HOw do I know that the next one won't be the same??? I'm thinking about just going back online again (that's where I met him) and just dating just to get this guy out of my mind. Is that dangerous? I dunno... I hate hate hate hate this...

:(

HS

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 1:21am

I was exactly where you are a couple weeks ago. And the guy gave me similar reasons for dumping me (but he did it over email!). He asked for a break, but I told him we should break up because it wasn't fair to me. I knew if it was a "break" I'd still cling to the hope of getting back together and I also knew I didn't want to torture myself. Anyway, though I'd accepted the end of it, and in some ways insisted on it, I was heartbroken and wanted to move on as quickly as possible to avoid feeling any more pain. My attempts to date backfired, as I found myself trying to find my ex in these new men. I realized after that that I wasn't ready to date until I was over him. It's been two weeks since the breakup and I'm doing a lot better. I was recently set up by a friend with a guy who is so different from the ex, that it would be impossible to draw comparisons anyway, but he is incredibly funny and great in so many ways that the ex wasn't. Mind you, we're not dating (it would be a long distance relationship, and I don't want to commit to that), but enjoying each other's company, and it has been refreshing. It's been refreshing because I'm not using him to get over anyone. I enjoy this person's company because of who he is. I still miss my ex, but I don't think about him when I'm hanging out with this new guy.

One can never predict the future and I don't think you should put your life on hold for someone who is being so wishy-washy with you, so I would encourage you to move on, at least mentally. You might not be ready to date just yet, but try to accept the fact that this relationship is over and that this man is no longer a part of your life. I know it's hard to do, but how else can you be good to yourself?

And you never know--he may pop up, but don't count on it. By the way, my ex called me today and I am not calling him back. I thought he was out of my life for good and was happy enjoying the company of this new guy. A week ago I would have been so vulnerable, but my confidence has since been bolstered, I realize I don't need him, and that there are other people who appreciate me and my nice qualities.

You'll see that life will go on and there are people who like what you have to offer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 9:39am

HS...

Pianoguy doubts that ANYBODY loves it when a break-up suddenly occurs? .

But consider this...

You can't take prisoners.....in a relationship or anything else!

Besides...if there's no mutual 'spark' or desire to be in a person's company or to keep a relationship going...why would you want to attempt to repeat the process? Not only is this experience going to become miserable for the EX, but also for yourself!

Since your EX has indicated that he wants his space....so be a "big girl" and GIVE IT TO HIM! The split the 2 of you went through a week ago DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN EVERYTHING will remain permanent!

Pianoguy