when NC isn't your idea
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when NC isn't your idea
| Sun, 11-27-2005 - 3:54pm |
I came to this board several months ago, not because of a particular breakup, but because of a series of romantic disappointments. Since then I have gained a lot of insight and comfort from all of your posts. I've responded to some of them but this is my first time actually posting my own message.
Lately it seems like I cannot make relationships lasts. Most guys I go out with will break it off several months later (amicably, but it still hurts), either because they found someone else or just want to move on. I'm a sweet and intelligent person, and have good relationships with my family and friends. I'm not drop dead gorgeous, but I'm attractive enough. I can only assume I haven't found the right person yet, but all of this has been hard for me. I'm in my late 20s.
This brings me to something that really, really bothers me about these situations--when guys no longer contact me after we breakup. The last guy I went out with told me that we had a "real connection" and that he wanted to still be friends. But alas, it's been almost 2 months and I haven't heard a word from him. I know what everyone says about no contact, and I agree that it's better (I know that it would be harder for me to have an ex calling me now and then, because it would probably give me hope that he'd want to get back together), but it is still so sad to me. Maybe NC is easier when you are the one to initiate it...
As for myself, when I get dumped, that's it--you don't have to tell me twice. I don't call or email, as the sting of rejection basically makes me immobile. But from the other perspective, I don't understand how I can be so utterly forgettable. What ever happened to the courtesy "just wanted to see how you're doing" phone call or email? Don't my exes ever think of me?
I guess I just needed to get this out. I consider myself to be a reasonable person but right now this is just eating me up inside.
Lately it seems like I cannot make relationships lasts. Most guys I go out with will break it off several months later (amicably, but it still hurts), either because they found someone else or just want to move on. I'm a sweet and intelligent person, and have good relationships with my family and friends. I'm not drop dead gorgeous, but I'm attractive enough. I can only assume I haven't found the right person yet, but all of this has been hard for me. I'm in my late 20s.
This brings me to something that really, really bothers me about these situations--when guys no longer contact me after we breakup. The last guy I went out with told me that we had a "real connection" and that he wanted to still be friends. But alas, it's been almost 2 months and I haven't heard a word from him. I know what everyone says about no contact, and I agree that it's better (I know that it would be harder for me to have an ex calling me now and then, because it would probably give me hope that he'd want to get back together), but it is still so sad to me. Maybe NC is easier when you are the one to initiate it...
As for myself, when I get dumped, that's it--you don't have to tell me twice. I don't call or email, as the sting of rejection basically makes me immobile. But from the other perspective, I don't understand how I can be so utterly forgettable. What ever happened to the courtesy "just wanted to see how you're doing" phone call or email? Don't my exes ever think of me?
I guess I just needed to get this out. I consider myself to be a reasonable person but right now this is just eating me up inside.

Hi elanneh,
I know how you feel and I've had the same thoughts. I'm like you also, because once the person I'm seeing decides that we're not right for one another, they don't have to tell me twice. I ended my three year relationship over the phone and I never looked back...
But, I don't think that just because someone isn't calling or emailing all the time that means they don't care. I actually emailed my ex last summer (the 3 year phone guy, we had been broken up for 1 1/2 years at that point) and I know he was happy to hear from me. I could tell from his emails that he had been thinking about me, even though he and I both moved on. So really, you should try not to let yourself get down about it, I'm sure it isn't that you are "forgettable" I think guys just don't act on those urges to find out about their ex's the way we sometimes do. Seriously though, I know they must think about you. My ex and I did not have any contact after our breakup until I emailed him, but I know that writing me back is high on his priority list because he has friends that he has not talked to in months and he always manages to get back to me.
Anyway, I think you are lucky that your exes don't contact you and you have the willpower not to contact them either... it may not feel like it, but you're probably moving on a lot faster than you would otherwise. Plus, who needs the baggage of hanging on to all the wrong people? Personally, I want to be as available as possible when Mr. Right does eventually decide to show up!
Just my two cents!
-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!
It's just kind of sad to be cut out of someone's life. But ultimately - yes - better to move on and be available to those who truly care.
First, let's get this stated plainly. Nobody that breaks up with you calls to 'find out how you're doing". Particularly in your situational description.
If you'd known someone for years as an established friendship, decided to attempt dating and it didn't work (very common to have happen) they probably would call you to find out how you're doing - as a friend. And they'd make it short and sweet and to the point, so that you didnt get any "ideas or hopes" about reconciliation.
But here's is what is happening. You're nice, smart, funny, and attractive....you're going out with guys that ask you out. They find you attractive - which is why they ask you out. But as they get to know you - what do they find?
I don't know the answer - you'd have to answer that on your own. But I'm willing to bet what they find is that you don't have alot of interests, passions, hobbies, or involvements or goals in your life. So you're not very "interesting" per se.
So what happens is that they ask you out - and pretty much from that point on you're available to them without notice, at thier request......probably making a few of your own expectations and requests for inclusion - that's all fine....except they figure out pretty quick you odn't have anything going on in your life that you didnt drop like a hot potato - the second they showed interest.
So when you adopt someone's interests, goals, ideas, and passions as your own when you meet (did it 4 times - 4 disasters marriages and tons of debt and destruction to show for it)....what you're goin to attract is users/losers........or you're going to run off people that want someone beyond someone to adore them, worship them, enable them, and convenience them.
It sounds like you're pretty intelligent - you probably have a career, a family life with some friends...and you're not wanting to disappoint anybody, or destroy what you've created as a future or security. So you're not runnning off with people that do things on a whim, or seem daring or irresponsible...they might turn you on, but they scare you enough to keep you out of thier vicinity.
As a result, you're attracting guys that looking at your external package of job, career, lifestyle, appearance - think that you're more "developed" on a personal interests level than you are. They get with you and find out there's not alot there beyond the facade of a pretty face. You're responsible, you're intelligent, you're smart, you're socially correct - but you're not "interesting" - and you have very little to do or involve in or pursue that isn't just a "time killer/filler", which puts alot of pressure on them to be involved ALOT, and include you alot - when maybe that is not what they had in mind.
The common denominator in all your relationships is you. So are you attempting to project an image publicly - that really doesn't fit you personally. I know for awhile I projected a very "self-reliant, self-sufficient" image that really came off as "I don't want anybody or need anybody or want anything from you"...that had people attracted to me that wanted just "someting in the moment" - but that was it. That image got me married to a guy that neverwokred or paid a bill, but sure racked up debt without twitching an eyelash. HE figured if I was capable of having it alland doing it all -why not let me. And initially so delighted that someone wanted to include me - I shoved off the benefits, options, and upgrades on him so fast he was under all the benefits pretty quick.
I adopted that when the 'take care of me, want me, let me be the fluff playtoy while you're the responsible one"........got me with a control freak, which is natural when I wouldn't decide anything or do anything and I was so delighted to be included I worshipped and adored him. I had no idea I was in cahoots with Hitler.......until he said "heil" and I failed to do it once, and he never let me forget it or anything else.
I went from being the "I'm capable of anything, just watch" with the irresponsible, immature, happy go lucky guy......to being "I am woman hear me roar" - with guy #4. So intent on proving to him how capable, able, responsible, and beneficial I could be to "us" - I drove myself out of bulemia and into booze. Whole other story there.
So you've got to adopt a position of balance, which is only possible when who you are at the core level is someone you admire, trust, respect, and acceptfor who you are and your responsiblity, oblgiation, authority and power in your own life and destiny.
But all four of those guys were able to leave me without a backward glance....why? Because I wasn't anybody to know, I wasn't interesting....I was of use, service and benefit in some way - be it financial, or to their ego. But they didn't want to be with people that were interesting...they wanted to be taken care of, or in control, or to have me on a leash and use me as a guard dog.
Think about it this way.....what if you said 'for the next two years I won't be dating"...I'll be exploring my horizons and options and I'll be enlightening and expanding myself as an individual. What would you do, what would you pursue, where would you go, what lessons would you be seekin to learn? IF you didn't have to meet anybody's needs or expectations - but you had to meet your own goals and standards?
Because THAT person in there - she's worth getting to know. And if you don't do it - nobody else can as a result of her being stifled inside of you.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Nikki,
I'm just curious, why did you decided to e-mail your ex after all this time? Were you friends before you dated, or just thinking of him? Did you have any expectations? Just wondering.
Erin,
I found your post to be interesting and I agree with some of it. For instance--yes, casual exes don’t usually make contact to find out how you’re doing. I mean, really--when I no longer want to date someone, that’s it. I don’t want to have contact with him anymore. I don’t know why, but that’s the way it is. Of course, all situations are different, but I do think that this is usually how it plays out.
And saying that, at the core, YOU must be a person YOU admire, respect, etc.--I agree 100%.
However, the person with no “goals, passions, or hobbies” you describe is not me. Not by a long shot. I am in the process of applying to grad school. I’m a competitive cyclist. Everything in my life, from my 401(K) to my volunteer experience, is a result of ME setting goals, pursuing hobbies, taking chances, and developing the confidence and self-sufficiency that such endeavors require. This is me--this is not me trying to develop a nice “external package.” Never in my adult life have I expected or wanted to be involved in a guy’s life because I’m not “interesting” enough on my own.
On that note, I was posting because I was hurt that an ex who’d told me he wanted to stay friends has not contacted me in any way. Does it surprise me? Not really. Again, this is usually how it plays out.
But does it make me feel bad? Sure. It makes me feel bad because I’m a sensitive person who cares.
I like being in a relationship and I am sad when it ends. This doesn’t necessarily point to a lack of depth, direction, or purpose on my part.
You seem pretty aware about your own life choices and I’m sure you were only trying to help. But sometimes the tough love/Dr. Laura rhetoric just isn’t appropriate.
Anne
You know, I'm not really sure why I decided to contact my ex... I guess a big part of it was that I felt like I needed to forgive him, not because it would make him feel better, but because it would make me feel better.
Anne,
I hope you didn't take Erin's comments too much to heart.
Anne
Anne,
It is possible then the flip side is correct....that you've got alot going on, alot of interests, alot of successes -and perhaps you're a bit "intimidating" to keep up with in terms of "ability to succeed, pursue and achieve".
It's unfortunate but true - that if you're competitively cycling and in training, you've got a career, you're applying to grad school, you've got interests and pursuits that also have your time......what you're doing is basically "way more" than the average person does.
That's intimidating to be around. At first it seems very interesting and exciting from the outside looking in.......rather like being rich sounds like so much fun - eat bonbons and fly around the world.
But once with you they find out the more traditional role they had in mind for a girlfriend to play - you can't. YOu're out taking on the challenge of living life deeply and fully - and you're there for them when it suits your schedule and your plans and your goals. But ou're giving up nothing in your life "to be with them".
That's EXTREMELY confusing to most average men. Because if they've been around women who primarily revolved theri interests and goals and pursuits around them once there was dating and a relationship in play - they want that......and they didn't realize that when getting involved with fulfilled, creative, independent and secure you.
They might have thought initially oh she won't be the clinging vine, and she'll be able to fend for herself hwen I'm off with the boys...and theey failed to realize how important and special the women in the past had made them feel - by being perpetually available.
There's a flip side to everything.....what most people fail to realize is that what is good - can also be bad. It's a perception thing, and a situational application thing. It's like stubborn and persistence often appear the same...except stubborn people simply "want thier way"...and persistent people have a goal and aren't slaughtering the masses to get there. It's hard to see th edifference initially when things ar epursued however - you're just "obsessed or hardheaded" by external appearance.
So it's very possible that's the reality.....you're on the go and move, you're a mover and ashaker, they didn't realize they'd be inimtimidated by being with a woman so confident in her abilities, and so reponsible towards herself and her destiny.
I've had plenty of men in my life convinced all that training, traveling, competing, and living like a 21 year old would stop - the minute they showed interest. So they involved because it was all exciting and new at first...but after 3-4 months of seeing on the same limited schedule with them getting little more of my attention than they were in the beginning because that is ALL there is to get in terms of attention - not commitment - but attention - they realized they weren't as pleased with "strong and independent" it didnt make them "feel" as much like a man. I had a few tell me they nver realized that the women in thier lives were inspiring the impression they had of themselves as so virile, so competent, and so strong........by defaulting to them and their priorities, even appropriately.
I had one guy put it in a way i understood based on our relationship...it might not make much sense here though.
"What attracted me to you was your independence and your level of commitment to yourself. And what is having me so intimidated is that I am not your priority. I didn't realize how important that was to me in a relationship."
I loved him to death - all 10 hours a week - but that's all he was going to get and when the "daddy knows best" desires in him kicked in and he wanted to be greeted every night at the door with a hot dinner and me wearing heels and cooing over his stories......we had a good laugh - but we ended it.
He said the relationship brought him to his knees in terms of making him aware of waht he wanted in a partner. That said, we're still great friends today........he house sits when I compete overseas! We each know our "place"!
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com