When "no contact" is impossible...
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| Fri, 12-22-2006 - 10:09pm |
Hello everyone. I'm back again with more questions and in need of more support. Many of you may remember me and have given good advice thus far. So, I ask, at this point in my break up, what shall I do now? Background: Me and my "ex" work in the same office building. We broke up because... well, I really don't know exactly why, other than some minor disagreements, although he's never come out and said "it's over." He just gradually stopped communicating with me until it sunk in that I was the only one working at making it work. We dated a little over a year, but I've been getting mixed signals from him for the past few months now, and I have finally given up, thanks to you guys' advice. But it started going downhill when we started having "disagreements" about random things. My personality felt the need to talk our problems through and get it out the way; whereas, he hated "confrontations" as he called them, and avoided the situation, and me, for a few days, until he felt things "died down"... then come around me, all cheery, like nothing bad ever happened, and show up at my desk or shoot me an email with lines like, "I miss you", "Can we just forget everything and start over?" or "Can I cook you dinner tonight?" Anything to avoid the issue at hand. Well, after a few of these episodes, it drove me to the edge and since he wouldn't talk to me directly about our problems, I started sending him lengthy emails about things that bothered me about our relationship and how I wanted to work through them instead of continuing to let them slide. Before I knew it, he stopped calling altogether, and when I'd call him to find out why he wouldn't talk to me anymore, the most that he would say was that he could not handle my temper. I personally don't feel I have a temper, I'm just not one to harbor my feelings and I like to say what's on my mind, whereas, he bottled everything up. What I'd call a "discussion", he calls an "argument". So, I'd ask if it was over, just to get clarification and some closure, but all I'd got was the "I just need some space" speech. Talk about leaving me hanging...
So, I finally stopped calling, and of course he has not called me. Now, I'm trying so hard to stick to the "no contact" rule, per you guys' advice, so that I can get over him and my heart can heal, and as hard as I try to avoid him at work, we always end up running into each other. Okay, here is where the problme lies... I try with all my heart to just walk pass him like he's not there, but he makes it a point to speak to me. I don't know why, but that's driving me insane. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. The first couple of times he did it, I just ignored him and brushed right pass him. But the last few times, he basically just stood there very awkwardly awaiting a reply. I wanted to scream to the top of my lungs... "YOU HURT ME, YOU BASTARD. I DON'T WANT TO BE CORDIAL WITH YOU!!!!!" But instead, I kept my cool, said hello, then snuck off to the restroom and cried my eyes out. Am I doing the right thing by returning a fake, pleasant "hello", or should I continue to ignore him so he'd know how hurt I am? I feel like he's playing with my head. I feel like I gave him what he wanted by not contacting him anymore, so why is he suddenly making it a point to acknowledge me when he sees me? Why can't he underastand that when he says, "Hello, how are you?" What I hear is "call me and let's try it again"... (Although I won't, I promise!) Why won't he just leave well enough alone? How am I ever going to get past this if I have to continue to see him every day?

He's being the way he is, well, 1) he doesn't want you to hate him and 2) he's at work, he doesn't want bad vibes, people to ask questions, etc.
Keep nodding, saying 'hi' and walking on. And don't read into his hello's, they really don't mean let's try again, unless of course you could change into a totally different person, be heard by him, and him wanting to work things out, by communicating and discussing the issues. He's unwilling to work on that. It is who he is.
So have you considered looking for a new job? Or taking some time off?
Carrie
I would
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit