when other women pop up

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2007
when other women pop up
5
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 12:32pm

Hi everyone,

I haven't broken up with my boyfriend of two years...but I'm aware of some things that have taken place and need your advice before I decide what to do. It appears I have a guy whom everyone else wants to marry and won't stop trying to lure him away.

First, let's say that we practically live together. It is true he has his own place, but he's never there. He's eats, sleeps, and does some work here. He hangs out here with me and my children during the week and on the weekends. He attends my kids' school events. Even records them on his phone.

He has never been married. I have. He was once nearly engaged to someone who has contacted him on and off throughout our relationship. He answered her contact with "nice" responses but none that came right out and said he was still interested in her. In fact, I saw the last email he sent her, and it was basically a "we can't go there...please move on" message. We have talked about marriage. There are some complicated issues that we are trying to work through. Last year, he did ask me to marry him unofficially. About the same time, I saw a young woman approach him (a former student of his) with a gift bag. She was blushing. I knew immediately something was going on but couldn't figure it out. He appeared perplexed. She gave him the bag as I was walking past. He took it, they spoke briefly, and that was it. I asked him about it when we were alone. He said he gets gifts and notes from girls all the time. He showed me an email she sent him wherein she told him she loved him. He wrote back and said he was in love with another woman (me) and was soon to be engaged. She still contacted him....He still told her she was being inappropriate.

There is another woman who is already married, whom he knew before she got married. She works where we work. She has always had a thing for him and continues to. She can't seem to accomplish anything on her own and used to ask her for help -- all the time. He would give it to her because he is good at what she asks him for help on, and he handles her requests in about two seconds, and the "help" is over. But not for her. She uses these requests to stay in touch with him. When she first knew we were together, she'd ask me all about him before he finally told her that we were together and to stop asking me...She continues to contact me. On the day he was to leave to go home to visit his family abroad, she called my cell. I know she was calling to ask if he had gone or maybe just to check to see if I was going with him. I did later meet him (and met his family). She caught me before I left and asked me to bring some things back to the States for her, which I took as her way of weasling her way into our time together. While I was there with him, she emailed me. I sent her a response that said we were enjoying our quality time together, and not even that was enough to get her out of our lives. I also saw an email from her to him that said she hoped he was returning to the states unmarried. (She knew it was a big deal for him to intro me to his family, so in essence, she was saying that she hoped we didn't get married.) She doesn't know I know this. Why should she care? She's already married. I have impressed upon him that she is not a "good" woman if she keeps doing what she's doing. What if her husband finds out? Anyway, I know she has continued to email him and leave him messages on his phone. What should I do with her? Should I simply tell her that our relationship is very important to us and to please butt out? I, personally, think she is sick. She is obsessed with him and will do anything to stay top of mind with him and/or to find out what he's doing. She's really, really sick. And what makes me sick about it is that she acts like she is my friend. I am not a confrontational person. Should I let her have it? tee hee

Finally, there is another woman from his past that I know he didn't have a thing with. He contacted her to see how she was, as he does from time to time with past friends and acquaintances. She immediately wrote back saying she was fine, but that she was leaving the country soon to go study abroad, and if "they were to marry" before she leaves, he'd have to come quick and visit her and meet her parents. What the !@#%^ is that? I know that he had at least one conversation with her on the phone, which he admits embarrassed him. He hasn't been in touch with her. I should add that she lives in another state.

What is it with these women? Now to his responsibility in all of this. He is very charming, very handsome, very sweet. He does like attention. I tell him what his sister has also told him: these women would give up if he'd just not contact them or respond to them at all. So, basically, I know all of this, and I have given him opportunities to tell me why these women still do what they do, but he drops it after reminding me that I'm the one he loves, I'm the one he's with all the time. (He does have a point.)

But I also know that he loves me and my children. He tells me this, shows me this, does the same for the kids. He says he wants to be with me forever that we are already more than married....We're not married yet bc we are both students, we don't have full-time jobs yet, and he is from another country and needs to apply for a work permit. When I worry about these women, he tries to assure me that I am the one for him, that they are nothing to him. He tells me to think positive about our future, that he has the right intentions for us. He tells me that I should be more worried about the way he responds to them than what they do to him. He's right. He's not acting on their "attention." But it still bugs me...and I get worried and mad at him and at them.

But still, I am scared. I am afraid for what this is doing to me and to my trust in him. I am afraid because my children, especially my daughter whom he adores and who adores him, are attached to him. They expect us to get married.

I'm also afraid because I know in less than two months, he'll go visit his family for most of the summer. I was invited last summer. He hasn't mentioned it yet for this summer, but we planned my trip there last summer at the last minute, too. (He is not a planner. I am.) His family is expecting me to come, but he hasn't mentioned it so......

I am just at that point where I don't think I can take a summer of waiting, wondering, worrying. I am tempted to break things off to protect myself and my kids. If it were not for these other women coming into the picture, I would say there's no reasons to worry. I do know where he spends most of his time, afterall. And these other women are out of state, with the exception of the one who works with us, as well. Still, I have this plan to break it off, get a therapist, maybe even move just to get through this. To think of us not together makes me sick to my stomach, unable to sleep, unable to eat, unable to do my work, and unable to spend quality time with my kids. When they are not with me (and he is not with me), I sit in my living room watching television for hours just to have something mindless to do to take my thoughts off my fears. I've even contemplated anti-depression medicine.

Am I crazy? I am either about to throw away the best relationship I've ever had or I am about to save myself from the worst betrayal of my life. I've certainly not ever wanted to work things out with anyone this much before. I'm certainly tolerating more things than I ever have before. Or am I -- as he says -- over-reacting because I am afraid?

I apologize for the long post.

s

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 5:55pm

From what you wrote, it sounds like he isn't going to change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 6:09pm

Welcome to the board sabbah4ma,


::She immediately wrote back saying she was fine, but that she was leaving the country soon to go study abroad, and if "they were to marry" before she leaves, he'd have to come quick and visit her and meet her parents. What the !@#%^ is that? I know that he had at least one conversation with her on the phone, which he admits embarrassed him. He hasn't been in touch with her.


Ok, this is over-the-top - he's either mislead her, allowed her to spin a fantasy and not set the record straight or she's emotional unstable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2007
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 6:52pm

Thanks for the book recs!

He said he has told this woman that we are in a relationship, and that she needs to focus on her husband. He even suggested she have a baby. Maybe then, she would have something more worthwhile to set her sights on -- instead of him. I have seen him interacting with her, and he's not encouraging in the least. I also know he often ignores her emails and text messages.

I think what I will do is set the record straight for myself. One of the things I've grown disappointed in myself with is my hesitancy to rock the boat with this woman, in particular. As I mentioned, we work in the same department, and I just don't want the drama. I think I will mention to her how uncomfortable I am when she asks me about him. If she asks why, I will tell her the truth, and that is this....that every time she asks me about him, I feel as if she's trying to get information about him or about us. As his significant other, I don't feel comfortable giving it. And if she really has a thing for him, then she needs to realize how wrong it is. She is married, after all.

What do I have to lose with her? Plus, I've told him that I'm tired of her shenanigans and have often mentioned I'd say something to her. I just haven't had the opportunity or the interest. But I am sick of it. That's true.

s

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2007
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 7:03pm

Thanks for the response!

I'm in wait and see mode. I have been, though, since about October, when I first found out the extent to which his ex was contacting him. (This is the one he told to move on -- for like the third time. He had done so last January or so, and she got mad, but she stopped contacting him -- until September. She contacted him near the time of his birthday, which she got wrong, I might add, teehee. Then he told her to move on, and I think she's out of the picture for good, now.

And yes, you're right about my instincts. I have a pretty good radar, though I will admit it sometimes kicks into overdrive bc of a previous relationship. (I was married and my husband cheated on me, and his family knew, and I was the biggest fool in the world.)

I have tried to talk to him about this. He denies any feelings for any of these women, and I do think he's telling me the truth. It is true he just might need outside validation. I have tried to rationalize this validation. I think it partially comes from having come from a large family with four sisters, from a culture where men are still seen as heroes. I've seen the way they dote on him and rely on him to do the simplest thing for them: they don't drive, for one. He drives them everywhere. So, maybe it's in his system to be doted on by women, and the truth is, when someone asks him for help, he cannot say no. That's why, I think, this other woman remains able to "get to him."

One of the most productive conversations we've had about this was about this other woman constantly needing him. It didn't occur to him that her requests were help were her way to keep in contact with him in a way that wouldn't necessarily be questioned by her husband. He was shocked.

Anyway, I am going to continue to wait and see, and I am also going to confront this "needy" woman next time I see her -- tomorrow, maybe.

I am tired of her trying to get information from me about him, about us. I know he has set the record straight with her, too, but I haven't, yet. And as I said in my response to someone else, one of the things that really bugs me is that I've grown too reliant on him to handle his bizness. I count in this relationship, too, and I don't like feeling like I'm in the middle of something.

I can't wait to see what her reaction is. I might find out more than I want to. Wish me luck!

s

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 03-10-2008 - 2:59pm

Well, I'll have to disagree with the previous replies.


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