When to stop believing empty promises?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
When to stop believing empty promises?
5
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 3:39pm

September 9 will be our 1st anniversary. I called off the wedding on Labor Day last year. My H promised to change, and I bought into the fast talk and went ahead with the wedding.

He plays softball, 2 nights a week and tournaments most weekends. When it is not softball season he plays darts and bowls and has a tournament of some kind each weekend. I don’t mind him playing these sports, I mind the drinking and the money spent.

Due to our financial difficulties, we are filing bankruptcy. I understand and the things that got us here are in the past, but, I don’t believe that he has learned anything and when the bankruptcy is final we will still be struggling the same as we are now.

Last Labor Day, he had a tournament. We could not afford to put our dog in a kennel for the weekend so I stayed home. He went on Friday, and I called at noon on Saturday. He was still drinking from the night before without any sleep. I went to the ball field on Saturday, stayed the day (with the dog), and thought I was staying the night. I was asleep when he woke me up at 1:30 to send me home. I guess the drinking is more fun without the fiancé. That is when I called the wedding off. The drinking, the spending, the sports—I didn’t want any part of it.

I fell for his fast-talking and promises of how it would be better. And here we are a year later, married, and I am ready to walk out the door—and once again, he is giving me the same crappy promises. And yet even though he knows how I feel and how hard Labor Day was last year, He is still going to play this Labor Day.

He misses family functions (both sides) barley sees his kids. (second marriages-he has 1 DD 18 and 1 DS-15) I have a DD-15. He is 42 and a good man. But softball and drinking is what caused his 1st divorce. Why would I think it would be better? How do you keep walking out the door while he is crying, saying I don’t want a divorce—just give me some time the season is over in 2 weeks—Next year will be better.

Today, I am getting “my ducks in a row” trying to get the money to get my own place, make sure my daughter will be in a good school district, and probably closer to my family to start over. But I have been here before, I had money saved and I used it to catch up our bills. So what is the right thing to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 5:10pm

Welcome to the board drgldy,


Only you know when you've had enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 7:38pm

Walk. Not to trivialize your suffering (which is hard), but look at this way.

1. If you keep giving him chances, you are in essence 'enabling' his behaviour. Your husband is addicated to his spending but you are his cushion so he never has to deal with the consequences. Leaving, and being SERIOUS about your leaving will force him to re-look at his life and make the necessary changes. He's comfortable where he is which is why he never changes. I think he's had ENOUGH chances.

Secondly, regarding this change idea. He has to want to do it himself, by himself, for himself. If he does it on the premise that you'll come back if he does, he's very likely going to revert to his old ways when you settle back in. And you'll be tired of having to police his behaviour. He knows you HATE IT and he doesn't change....why? Because he obviously DOESN'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK.

Lastly...tell me what he said LAST LABOUR DAY?! Was it "next year will be better?", "please, I'll change at the end of the season?". Any results yet? No? Think maybe it's time to go? If he was serious about changing...HE WOULDN'T NEED TO WAIT 2 WEEKS WOULD HE?!

So, go, and don't look back. He may come begging, but stand firm until you see RESULTS. Talk is easy. He loves you, but whoever thought love conquers all is full of crap. If you go back on the strength of his promise (which holds nothing really), you're just condemning yourself to the same re-run. Plus he is manipulating you with his whining. Don't you think you're worth more than a bunch of empty promises? I think so. I think you're worth at least a partner who keeps his promises and contributes his half to the household. A partner who respects your opinions and makes an effort to compromise on things that are important to you. Why short change yourself?

cheers
Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 10:05pm
I think he promised to change, he hasn't changed, and you have every right to leave. You deserve better than that! He's out having fun, spending money, and drinking excessively. It doesn't sound like YOU are having much fun.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 3:42pm

Thank you so much for the feedback.

Things have been rought lately! I am getting everything I need together to start my life over. He on the other hand must realize that I am on my way out the door.-- He has doen a 180-- and is basically glued to my side. this is driving me nuts, why couldnt he have put in the effort when I was. And I dont trust things will stay this way (it is between softball and dart season).

Honestly, I really dont want to try anymore, I am sick of looking like a fool. I know I would tell my friends to walk away. But it will take some time to have the money to go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 1:39pm

this guy just sounds horribly selfish and childish. he's not a man.
ask yourself: does he make me happy? would my life be better with out him?

you already know the answer, you knew a year ago before you married him. just doing something about it is the hard part.

why be with someone who has to change for you to want to stick around? why not just find someone who'll be what you want right outta the box?

you don't deserve this. get out, don't talk to him, don't let him back in your life what so ever, history be damned.

softball and darts vs. fixing your marriage
if this guy had to think about that.. then uhhh. yeah. gg.