When will things get better?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
When will things get better?
14
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 9:18pm

My b-friend of 5 years dumped me about 3 weeks ago. It's a very long story but every time we would begin moving forward in the relationship, he would back away. Then over the past years, either I broke things off with him or him with me. We both said we wanted to get married one day and have a family. I just don't get he wouldn't actually put actions behind his words.

However, I always maintained the hope that everything would work out b/c I really thought I was going to marry this man and have children with him. I never felt this way with anyone. He was also my very best friend.

When he broke up with me, he said he was unhappy and that something was missing or not right. He said it was not me (and in this case, it was really not me) but that he was not sure if he could ever commit to me or anyone. He wants me to be happy and that this was the right thing in the long term. I was devestated. We always got along and had chemistry and fun together. It just became a problem when the relationship would started moving to the next step. One thing that might be a problem is that he and I met at the tail end of a long-term relationship he had with someone else. He never had time to grieve that break-up and I believe it has impacted our relationship.

We left VMs for eachother last week saying that we think about eachother alot. His b-day was last week and while I bought a card, I settled for sending him and email and he offered to send me this document to help me at work. Please let me know your thoughts or suggestions for getting through this. I feel terrible and it's not getting better. I feel so sad that I physically ache. I feel empty and lost and confused but not angry. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I got a manicure and pedicure yesterday and it did not make me feel any better. I do things with family and friends and I'm just in "auto pilot" mode. Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 11:03pm

I saw your post and had to respond. Two weeks ago my boyfriend of three years informed me his feelings haven't been "progressing" and he didn't want to string me along anymore. He said he does not feel at all ready for marriage and now claims not to know if he "ever" wants to get married. He had asked me if I wanted to buy a house with him a few months before. I said yes and he found one he was interested in a few weeks ago. I had been telling him all along that I preferred to be engaged before living with him and finally told him I would not sign a mortgage with him without a ring on my finger. Things stared falling apart soon after. I felt like he was picking apart everything I did. He started acting wierd, making big deals out of small issues and then told me he didn't know if he trusted the relationship anymore. A week before that we were discussing moving in together. Him and I have been on and off for the past three years, mostly all due to his commitment issues. He was never the best boyfriend, always picking his friends over me, and I have fought and fought with him to get us where we were this past year. Things finally seemed to be working when he dropped the bomb that he doesn't know anymore. It has been the most painful, heartbreaking relationship in my entire life. this isn't the first time I've been down this road with him. He told me the exact same thing a year ago but then came back. I haven't spoken to him in two weeks. The last time I did, I asked him if he loved me, he didn't hesitate to say yes. Then he said he just doesn't see himself wanting to get married and he should by now. He is 31 years old, going on 21. He loves the party, party, party lifestyle, doesn't like to have to think of anyone other than himself, doesn't like to sacrifice his time, resents any type of expectations being placed on him. Things would have been fine had I kept my mouth shut. Had I not asked about the future or just signed the mortgage and not told him I needed a ring. But I know I would have been miserable had I done that. I am 31 also. I WANT to get married, I want to have children. I don't think being in love is an obligation, I think it's a gift (Movie quote for you!).

I have started reading a few different books, like "Men who Can't Love" and "He's Scared, She's scared". They are very helpful. I've also been throwing myself into social activites. I've been meeting friends for dinner as often as I can, talking to my friends every day. They help me in understanding why he keeps doing this and with accepting that I have no choice but to go on with my life without him. I even went on a date tonight with another guy. It was just the movies, and let me tell you, it fell really wierd, sitting in that theater next to someonelse not my boyfriend. But, it was a step, a step I know I have to take to move on. When I started to think how comfortable I used to be with him and how am I ever going to do this and start over again, I remembered how the last time I went to the movies with him he was irritated cuz I wanted to see a chick flick and he pouted the whole time. It helps if you keep reminding yourself of the not so good times. At least it's helped me. Writing on here has helped too. It's comforting to know there are other people going through exactly what you are going through. Hope this helps!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 12:27pm

Thanks so much. Try 45 going on 16 for my ex. I'm around your age a well and I'm just so upset that I have given up part of my life for no reason. Right now, it feels as if all of my dreams and hopes went down the tubes. I'm not even sure of how to meet anyone else.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine and it helps knowing that I'm not going through this alone. I'm scared of the future too...what if I start to really move on this time and meet someone else and he comes back with all of his issues resolved or worse yet, say several months down the road and I have not met someone else and he comes back. How do I know he is for real? Everytime he has come back saying he wants to do things right, I go back b/c I love him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 3:31pm
It is hard, my break up was 2 months ago. Was 3.5 yr relationship 9 months of living together, come home one day he has packed some stuff and left no note or anything...we had broke up a couple times before the first year. Maybe we were in love with what we thought we had, not what we actually had. It does get better with time. Keep visiting the boards, some good advice and reading material out there, work on yourself and make yourself happy. Don't worry about what might happen one day, just take it one day at a time. You can get through this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 6:49pm

sassisizz -

"Don't worry about what might happen one day, just take it one day at a time"

well said. I think that's a really really important thing to remember. Like you guys I am in a similar situation, my bf of 3.5 years broke up with me 9 days ago now.. And i keep torturing myself with thoughts of the future, you know, "what if he finds someone else"? "what if i don't meet anyone as good as him" etc etc and it hurts and makes me panic coz i don't think i am ready to deal with those feelings or thoughts just yet.

But if we do all just take it step by step by step and concentrate on being happy (ok maybe not happy.. maybe we could settle for "not messy") for this moment, then time will pass and it will get better..

The support on these boards is amazing, and I'm certainly finding a bittersweet comfort in that no, it's not just happening to me... It's happening all over the world!!

Take care
dg76

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 7:24pm
Im with you... these boards have helped me alot. It will get better for us. We just have to hang in there, post when we need to and work on ourselves.
Tiiiime is on our side... yes it is. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 8:15pm

I just want to know when I will stop thinking about it. He/the breakup is on my mind all the time. I can't seem to make myself stop thinking about it/him. I wish I could just stop, but I just can't seem to. I suppose that many years of thinking and planning around another person it isn't so easy to stop.

Any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 10:19pm
I know exactly what you mean. I just moved in with my friend for what was supposed to be short term since he and I were going to buy a house together this summer. Now it's like "soooo, I hope this arrangment can last a little longer until I can figure out what the hel* I'm going to do with my life". I went from looking at houses with my boyfriend to him breaking up with me in a matter of days. It's terrifying, awful. I hate it. And I'm like you, my ex has come back, twice now. This last time it lasted another year before he did it again. I keep trying to put my focus on that I have GOT to learn to live without him. Even if he did try and come back, I'd never trust him again. It's been three times now, why would I keep putting myself through this? Worse, I keep remembering I was right where I am now a year ago when he did this to me then. I deserve someone who knows, who won't have so many doubts, who will see all that I am and love me just like I loved him. That's what keeps me going every day. Well, that and my friends and family who remind me that I put him on a pedastal he never deserved to be placed on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 10:54pm

I'm sorry about the house, you must have been so excited only to be sooo let down. It just doesn't seem right, does it? At least I had some warning. My ex kept telling me that he would not keep going the way we had been. (I was working all the time and the rest of the time being mom, didn't leave much room for him) You were blind sided.

My ex and I broke up about 5 years ago, I broke up that time, felt something wasn't right. It wasn't. Turns out he was already seeing someone, before I broke up with him. Back in the day if a man treated me bad, he was out. Go to jail, do not collect $200... but this guy, this guy has a hold on me I can't seem to break. I should hate him, which would make moving on so much easier. I can't believe that I'm so hurt. I should be angry, a little hurt, but heartbroken? Sobbing? Have I lost my friggin' mind???? He is with her now I bet, and I'm wasting my time feeling like this?????

Its just all so wrong. Why can't we just go on? YOu know better, I know better, but we both know that there is always that moment of weakness when we'd run back into their arms. *sheesh*

That is why we must must must stick to the NC. We'll feel better about ourselves if we can just put some time and space between us. How are you doing with NC?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 9:26am

I think we will always think about it at some point, it will just fade away and we won't think about it as much.
I've been reading the boards, journal writing, reading some of the books mentioned, trying to keep myself busy with things, I am even looking into taking some classes in IT, going out with friends. Hanging with my twin 17yr daughters more. Hey come to think of it I haven't cried in a week :) Now that is progress...Weeeee.
I wish it was like when I left my husband 15 yrs ago after being married for 12. by the time I finally left him, I felt nothing for him, there were no tears,no love, no anger, no hate,it seemed easier in some ways.
But with this breakup, I still love him and miss him, I wish I could hate him, but I don't and I do want him to be happy. Just concentrate on yourself tell yourself everyday you deserve to be loved, respected and happy. Hang in there, we will get through this, and be better for it.

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 9:13pm

I'm so with you all(especially jenn_cannon). Today, I walked into work and see a cartoon on my desk and I know who it came from. Normally, I would have called/emailed asking if he left this on my desk but I didn't today. Then I found out that he saw one of my friends twice this week and acted as if she did not exist when she knew he saw her. Is it a sign of guilt, rudeness, or stupidity? It did make me mad b/c she did nothing wrong to him and he doesn't even know what she knows about him and I.

I think I've finally been through too many tears, too many times of hearing "I don't want to jerk you around" and too many times dealing with his issues and problems with commitment. Plus, he was perfectly fine with spending his b-day without me in his life last week. He knew that would hurt me.

I need for someone to take care of me for a change. I'm a good person who had a lot to offer him--I don't know why it was never enough but maybe there are not reasons for "why" and you just accept it and move on.

I know I sound strong at the moment and that's what I am feeling at the moment. Believe me on Sunday, I felt like my heart had been ripped out and stomped on. I'm hoping this is a sign that I am healing and becoming stronger but who knows, maybe it's a stage (or freak of nature).

I agree that NC is the best policy. If I contact him, I slip back into being super sad and thinking of all of the years of my life I have effectively wasted and wishing things would have gone the way they should have. We have to remain strong though and that is tough. Also, it helps that as soon as you start to miss the good things, you force yourself to think of the bad things they did that hurt you.

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