When you're the one who ended it

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
When you're the one who ended it
6
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 4:24pm
I had a great relationship with my boyfriend, but I chose to end it because I don't love him and realized I never would. The problem is, almost everything else about the relationship was great. He loved me very much, he treated me well, we had fun together, and he was my best friend and my closest confidant. I ended things because I didn't think it was fair to him to stay in the relationship without feeling the same way. He took it badly (what did I expect?) and said some pretty mean things to me. But now I can't stop missing him and wondering if I made a mistake. I'm also heartbroken that after a wonderful relationship, he's saying and thinking such hurtful things about me. I'm trying to remind myself why I broke it off in the first place, but I'm overwhelmed by how much I miss him. How can I tell if this was a mistake, or if I'm just missing the friendship and companionship more than the relationship?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 4:50pm

"I'm also heartbroken that after a wonderful relationship, he's saying and thinking such hurtful things about me." You just broke his heart and he is going to be angry. If somebody you were in love with just broke up with you how would you feel? Would you really be thinking such warm and fuzzy sentiments about the person?

The right thing for you to do right now is give each other space. 60 days no contact and if you still feel you made a mistake and want to get back together then call him and talk about it. In them meantime don't call to check up on him, it will only confuse him more--let him heal and have the time to process this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 8:19pm
Isn't it funny that when you think you've made a mistake the thing to do is spend more time apart? The instinct is to see each other because you miss each other. I think what happens is you are both on your best behavior for a while, then things relax and you start realizing why you decided to end it in the first place. And then you have to go through the breakup AGAIN.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 5:10pm

....."How can I tell if this was a mistake, or if I'm just missing the friendship and companionship more than the relationship?".....

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 6:53pm

Trust yourself, trust your feelings on this, and trust that you know what you want.

I broke up with a guy that I wasn't in love with and later got back together with him. I didn't love him any more a few years later and it just wasn't right for me. I felt bad about hurting him.

People don't change much and sometimes it either IS or ISN'T there with them.

I'm 37 and I haven't "settled" for a guy just so I wouldn't have to be single anymore. There's a lot of pressure on women to settle down just so they don't miss out. I don't regret for a minute that I haven't done that. Either the right guy is out there for me, or I will live without him.

Don't be afraid to live for yourself. As long as you try your best not to hurt others, it is the best way.




Edited 12/12/2006 6:57 pm ET by devuchka

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 10:20am

Thanks for all the advice! I'm not planning on contacting him any time soon because I want him to be able to process everything and have some time to heal. I think I did the right thing. I love him, but I was fairly certain that I was never going to fall in love with him, so I know that I needed to end our relationship so that he could find someone who would give him her whole heart. He's an amazing person and he deserves that.

But I didn't anticipate being so heartbroken myself. I wasn't in love, but I cared for him very deeply and I essentially just cut out the most important part of my life. Has anyone ever been through this? I feel like having responsiblity for the break up adds a whole new dimension of guilt and regret. In addition to missing him and dealing with the pain of losing him, I'm also feeling awful because it was my decision to do this. I feel terrible for hurting him, and I hate that I've caused him pain. And I feel like I shouldn't be missing him this much or feeling this sad, because it was my choice to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 12:30pm

Yes, I can absolutely relate to how you are feeling. My exbf used to tell me that he knew I didn't really love him, that I was just settling and that I was comfortable with him. He would make comments like "when you dump me for Mr. Right". He used to ask me why I was with him and he would tell me I shouldn't settle. Then when I broke up with him, he continued to call me and email me telling me how special what we had was and how he felt letting each other go was a huge mistake. He did a lot of things to sabotage the relationship, so it was not totally me just not feeling what I should have felt for him. Sometimes I get really angry thinking about some of the things he did, and other times feel guilty for ending what he claims was the best relationship he ever had. I often wonder if my feelings for him might have been stronger had he not done some of the things he did.

Just because the breakup was my choice does not mean I don't feel the pain of it.