where do I even start?
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| Fri, 08-13-2004 - 12:36pm |
For a while, things were great. We NEVER fight, we had fun, or so it seemed. Then I started realizing WHY we never fight...we don't communicate worth a darn and I have to pry to get things out of him.
This all came to a head while on vacation last week. I spent 5 days with him and that's when it hit me...I knew exactly what the problem was. I was getting increasingly frustrated with having to start conversation, with having to keep conversation going (on the 4 hour drive back to the airport I gave up, for example - and there were MAYBE 5 sentences uttered between us the entire time) and with having to drill to get him to voice an opinion on something other than "whatever you want" or "it doesn't make any difference to me."
The quietness is unnerving, the inability to talk with me is unnerving, and the total and complete lack of self-confidence is unnerving. I've tried to change him for two years now, thinking this was workable. Nothing's different. So on this vacation, I started thinking of things on a 'when we're married, what will things be like?' level. I imagined our vacations, with the huge quiet periods and the undecidedness on his part as far as what to go do or even where to eat. The 'monkey-see monkey-do' mentality of his where he has no ability to take intitiative; he always has to follow my lead.
I realized there's no way I can deal with this for forever when it's already gotten to such a point that I am so frustrated and we are not even engaged.
I've come to the conclusion that our personalities are so different that there is a huge clash, especially on my end. I don't WANT to always have to take the initiative, and always have to be the person to keep things going whether it be conversation or plans. In a phone conversation last night, it was the same thing. If I didn't think of something to say, the silence was awkward and long.
This is where things get tough. How do I go about ending this? I'm a fool for not realizing what the issues were earlier, and for spending so long trying to fix it. I think he does sense my frustration, however as this is his personality he thinks things are great and even told me last weekend he's *just* started a separate savings account for a ring. That made me realize right then I have to deal with this NOW.
I'm turning to whomever I can for advice. I'm going to crush him. I don't even want to know what his reaction is going to be. But for me and for my life, I have to do this. I know in my heart that there is simply no way I can deal with these things the rest of my life. How do I even begin to break it to him? What a mess.
TIA...
flyinchick
