where do i go from here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
where do i go from here?
1
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 7:10am

I posted on the clashing libidos board earlier because I thought that is why my bf of over a year and I broke up last week. Little did I know...it wasn't the case. Things I thought were going great in our relationship...we were doing new things going new places. He even had a trip planned for us next month. I was completely blindsided as to us breaking up.

We had spent the two full days of the weekend together (we are both students in our mid-twenties). We were laughing having a good time. We were in a sexual rut meaning he wanted me to be more aggressive and had told me over the last few weeks the fact the whole sex thing was making him unhappy. I hadn't done anything different to when we first started dating so I wasn't sure where it was coming from. Anyway, I tried and was turned down...so back to the day we broke up. We were just lying down and then we start talking about our sexual problems. Then he says he thinks we should break up.

Fast forward to the last two days. We talked about the sex aspect of our relationship. I told him that in a relationship, you don't demand something that of another person. Instead, you work through it. I also asked him how he would have felt when at the beginning of our relationship, he was having problems with anxiety, if I just told him, well, you need to change. I kept talking basically...he said he pretty much agreed with everything I said.

He finally said that he realizes it was more than that. He said he had been unhappy the last few weeks sexually and he had a gut instinct that we needed to break up. We recently talked about things...he said it "just wasn't fun for him anymore." I was so hurt by this. He asked when our relationship changed (we started dating not wanting anything serious and having a good time, but things evolved). I wanted to be like "well, when you told me you loved me, when I met your entire family, when we dated for over a year." Then he said well only time will tell if he made the right decision. He then says well, I shouldn't wait around for him to be ready because I was such a great girl-I told him not to worry about that. Then he starts saying he just isn't ready for a relationship. Gee, this would have been nice a few months ago. I am just so hurt about this...he has never lied to me. I just think he is very confused and immature. The funny thing is that I was in a 5 year relationship prior to this that ended the same way. Now that guy has been trying to get back in my life saying he is ready to commit to me...

The problem is I have to see him all of the time because we are in school together. He said he really thinks we can be friends, he knows I don't think so, but he is going to prove it to me. Why does he keep hurting me like this? We spent almost every day together for so many months. Please help...I just don't know where to go from here. Thanks in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 11:26am

ipixy - So sorry to hear you are going through this. It sounds to me like your ex is an immature jerk. Don't mean to make you feel bad, but this is kind of how my ex was. Everything for the immature is based on feelings. That's not what relationships are made of. Of course you need to have the feelings there, but when things evolve, like your relationship did, whether he knew it or not, feelings become secondary. There is not much hope for a relationship if they are not willing to put "feelings" aside and really get down to the nitty gritty, day to day ups and downs. I have recently come to realize that was the case with me and my ex. They may say the right things, act the right way, but then BAM, out of nowhere, they decide that you aren't making them "feel" good anymore and they need to find someone who will. Sorry to put it out there like that, but that's usually what it means. As for him wanting the friend thing, please, please, do not let him in like that. I know from personal experience, it only delays and intensifies the hurt in the long run. If I would have put my foot down, I would not have gone through almost 5 years of up and down and selling myself short. My ex and I have a child together, so things are somewhat different, but as far as him and I as a couple, it's the same thing. The hurt though, that's still there, and on top of it, I have to put a brave face on for our daughter's sake, trying to minimize the collateral damage she has to go through. It is heartbreaking that she is soooo excited about his new g/f and that they are getting a place together and she will have a room there. My only consolation is I know the true him, and in time, things will unravel for them too. I know that shouldn't be a concern of mine, but let's be honest, we all want to see our exes feel a little of what we are agonizing with:)

Anyways, sorry to ramble on, but I just wanted to let you know that you are so much better than this, and you may not see it now, but there is something so much better on your horizon. There are guys out there for us who would rather die than let us go from their lives, we just have to find them! Take care and good luck!!! - Cait