Where to go from here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Where to go from here?
4
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 8:52am

I'm sorry for the novel. Anyone who reads this, thank you so much. This is my first time at the boards, and my first serious break up. I guess I'm just looking for answers.

So last week my boyfriend of a year and a half ended our relationship unexpectedly. Saturday while I was at work we had a minor spat, nothing that a little talk couldn't have fixed, but I guess other ideas had been formulating in his head. Sunday night on the phone we talked, and the first hour of the conversation seemed hopeful because we were letting it all out and reconciling. But his words, "Lately I just don't know if we're connecting the same anymore" hung on me, and so I told him that made me feel like he wanted to break up. He didn't respond. One thing led to another and fifteen minutes later he admitted he didn't know if he loved me anymore but he still cared about me, that you can't just stop caring about someone. The break up was over the phone, as I live about an hour away from him currently, so we tried talking about it in person when I came home around Thanksgiving. He said he had been harboring these unconscious doubts for about two months and didn't want to end it without knowing for sure that his feelings really had changed. I guess last Sunday was when he knew for sure, although when I asked him if he had intended for that conversation to be our end, he said no, it wasn't planned at all, it just came out.

I had remained quiet through the break up, still pretty shocked because, well, if his feelings were changing he could have fooled me. I will admit that when we would see each other we were on a sort of regimented schedule, and in the last couple months we hadn't really taken the time to sit down in person and really talk. And our time together was limited. I thought that what with Thanksgiving and college winter break, this would change. We would see more of each other and everything would be wonderful. But don't get me wrong, I never consciously thought about this until after he broke up with me, when I was forced to see it. I really thought our relationship was going in a wonderful direction.

We spoke again in person this past Sunday night. It wasn't awkward at all, rather it was amiable, just still difficult to take. I told him there were still things I needed to say, even if what I said wouldn't change the way he feels, and he agreed, knowing that I had kept quiet and he had done all the talking when we broke up. I began by saying that I felt that with a little time, patience and communication, this could have ended differently. He nodded but didn't say anything. I went on to say that even if we didn't date for awhile and then got back together, this could have been different. And he simply said that he didn't know what the future held for us, we may or may not end up together. However, not long later, I asked if all his doubts had really stemmed from whether or not he still loved me, and he said yes, and he pretty much contradicted what had been said earlier. He said that he cared about me still but didn't want a relationship. with me. He went on to say he wouldn't blame me if I couldn't respect his opinion and I didn't want anything to do with him.

But the idea of a friendship between us was something I had mentioned the first time we spoke in person after the break up. This was an amicable break up and there are parts to our bond that were nonromantic and I would like to maintain. At the end of the conversation, he said that if I really did want a friendship, the door is always open, but at the same time he doesn't want me to jump into a friendship with him just because I have hope things between us will be rekindled. I would be lying if I said I didn't have at least a glimmer of hope, and frankly, I wouldn't be writing this.

Strangers to the situation have asked me if there was infidelity involved, if he met someone new, and to that I can confidently say no. I know it's hard to remain confident in a situation like this, but if there is one thing I know it is that another woman never would have changed his feelings. I am still in love with him, and I know I will continue to be for awhile, so a friendship right now is out of the question. But I feel like there are still unanswered questions, things that I can't just let go. Like WHY did his feelings change? So far he hasn't told me, which makes me think he almost doesn't even know why. But if that's the case I just can't come to understand why this couldn't have been worked on, even though he said this isn't something that can be worked on because it was a one-sided thing.

I feel like knowing why his feelings changed is a key part in me finding closure in all this, but I am afraid that even once I know the answer I still won't be able to let go. I know the fact that we were unable to see each other as often as we had previously played a part, but that in itself is something I would be willing to have changed. I can't help but think that this didn't have to end, he's making a mistake. I'm still stuck in that place where I wouldn't be surprised if in a short time, he would call me and realize the mistake he has made.

However, I know I need to look at this break up as a permanent thing. It's going to take time to sink in, to let go. He was my first love, and I was his, and first loves can rarely last. But I just don't know if I should let it go at this or ask why his feelings changed so drastically. It would be strange if a year or two from now, someone asks me why my first serious relationship ended, and I can't give them a straight answer.

Sunday night I also told him about how I worried my persistence in getting answers to the matter would just push him further away, and to that he said it wouldn't push him away, this doesn't have to be the last time I get a word in about this. He's an understanding person, and I don't think that contacting him and asking him, "Why?" would cause any harm. But at the same time I don't know if I should just let it go. What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 11:07am


first off, don't apologize for the long post, that's what this board is here for. it REALLY feels good to get all of your feelings out. as for your situation, i think you might be right, he might not even know the real reasons for the breakup, but he felt it was the right thing to do nonetheless. it sounds like this didn't happen very long ago so if you feel like you are in a place where you can/want to talk to him one more time to get some closure, then i'd say go for it. but i'd suggest doing that right away and then starting a period of no contact. on the other hand, a lot of times closure comes from within, and i think once you have more time to step away from the situation and once more time passes, you might see signs or red flags that weren't apparent before. advice that has been given to me before about gaining closure is to know what you expectations are going into the conversation so you aren't let down. you should do what's best for you, and if right now you think talking to him once more will help, then do it, but i would highly recommend cutting off contact, at least for the time being, after that. it will help you immensely.

you never know what the future holds and sometimes it is true that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' so let him learn to live without you for a while. if it's meant to be, it will find a way. that's not to say you should wait around for him by ANY means, you are young and should use this as a stepping stone to bigger and better things! take the good and the bad and let it teach you. every break up teaches us something and we can take many positives from it along with all of the heart ache. best of luck to you. take care and keep coming here, it helps!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 2:14pm

Bolly,

That sucks, sorry to hear about your pain and confusion. Breaking up definitely is the worst.

Your situation sounds a bit similar to mine in the surprise element. But however it happens, it's always hard.

Guys don't like to burn bridges, and he may not tell you what's going on in the event he might like to date you again sometime. It sucks, but I've seen guys do this. Also, as in my case, you may not WANT to know. Sometimes not knowing is better. The truth doesn't change the fact that he wants to move on, and it just might hurt you more.

You'll be ok. No matter what happens, trust that. I've 37 and been through a lot of breakups and they all suck, but because I'm always growing, I'm always dating a better guy than the last one. That's a new goal to look forward to, no matter how much you don't want to think that way.

Hugs.

Dev




Edited 11/29/2006 2:24 pm ET by devuchka

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 4:24pm

I can understand wanting to know a reason. But in most cases, feeling change over time, and most times the person isn't aware of what happen - feeling distant, being disapointed, lots of things can slowly erode away feelings.

For the future, the only answer you can honestly give at this point is that his feelings changed, he ended it, but you don't know anything specific.

: but if there is one thing I know it is that another woman never would have changed his feelings.

Did you word that correctly, because people that share intimate, emotional things with another is building a relationship with another person and it does change feelings, especially if the stuff he's confiding and sharing with another, he's not sharing with you.

:: Like WHY did his feelings change? So far he hasn't told me, which makes me think he almost doesn't even know why. But if that's the case I just can't come to understand why this couldn't have been worked on, even though he said this isn't something that can be worked on because it was a one-sided thing.

It means either one, he really doesn't know or two he knows but wants to spare you hurt feeling. If he wanted to work on it, counseling could help and there are a lot of self-help books out there on how to invest in a relationship so the relationship maintains the feeling of emotional connection and closeness.

::I feel like knowing why his feelings changed is a key part in me finding closure in all this, but I am afraid that even once I know the answer I still won't be able to let go.

You may be right, but think about this....what could he say that would make this all ok? I mean, my experience is that if you give someone a reason, instead of accepting it, they want to fix it, change, work on it, or deny that it's a valid reason. Hence your next comment "I know the fact that we were unable to see each other as often as we had previously played a part, but that in itself is something I would be willing to have changed."

::I can't help but think that this didn't have to end, he's making a mistake. I'm still stuck in that place where I wouldn't be surprised if in a short time, he would call me and realize the mistake he has made.

From your point-of-view, that's true. From his, he sees it differently. He may or may not think it was a mistake.

You sound very level-headed about this... there will be good days and bad days. My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 9:34pm
I know how you feel with your breakup situation. It really is a very hard thing to deal with. I wish you only the best and I want you to know that I am here for you to talk to if you need someone. My best wishes.