Who's the Idiot?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Who's the Idiot?
7
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 10:56pm

Hi, Ladies!! I'm a returning poster from 2 years ago so I'm a bit rusty. Your advice would be much appreciated.

I've been serious with this guy for about a month, and when we met, it wasn't an instantanous click. But, we continued to see each other, and I've really grown to like him a lot and I've worked really hard to get past the little annoyances (which normally I would use to alienate my partner and self-destruct). I've also faced his very sordid past and have resolved to work through it with him. He has a lot of things that I really want in a partner and is motivated to make himself a better person in every respect. He's one of the few people I can just 'be' with.

Yesterday he tells me that he's just not as emotionally attached to me as he thinks I am to him. He's right about that, no doubt. But, he didn't break it off. He was speculating that he's just not comfortable in relationships where he feels completely accepted, like he does with me. Meaning, the relationships he's been happiest in were ones where, for some reason, he didn't feel like she felt as strongly for him as he did for her. I understand all that, but why am I being punished for his pathological mentality? And how could someone who is so mentally healthy in every other way, have this one thing that is standing in the way of his happiness?

My question is: should I continue to see this guy (at this point, we've decided to go back to just "dating" and see other people) and hope he comes around--after all, it's only been a month--or, should I call it a day? I hate to throw this away since I really feel we are compatible in so many ways.

In any case, the idea of splitting up with him just makes me sick. I've been a basketcase all day. And it's only been a month...

Any words of advice?

Thanks!

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 7:58am

Let me preface this by saying that you probably won't like what I'm going to say. First and foremost, how long are you willing to wait until he "comes around"? It seems to me you could be waiting indefinitely. Not a good place to be in. It's been my experience that if personalities between two people in a relationship do not gel well at the beginning then they hardly ever work. Who wants this much drama after only dating someone a month? Can you imagine what your relationship will be like one year down the road and this is still going on? Pure hell! I see you putting in A LOT of effort because he has qualities that you really want in a partner, but what will he be doing exactly? It sounds like he wants you to be just as vague as he is so that he can chase you - something he's openly admitted makes him more involved in someone. But what happens after the chase? People who only like the chase, ONLY LIKE THE CHASE. They very rarely enjoy all the wonderful things that come along with being in a stable, committed relationship (I speak from experience). Also, you mention a sordid past on his part. Sounds like he really gets off on having a lot of drama and elevated emotion in his life. These are not the signs of an emotionally healthy person.

Again, this is only my view and I would be curious to see what everyone else has to say. Personally, I think you are worth more than this, and maybe those little annoyances you have, when dating someone, are what I like to call instinct! Sometimes they are there for a reason, and I would take a closer look at those and make sure they aren't some of your "deal breakers".

I hope this helps, and good luck!

Car

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 11:20am

i agree with running_girl, it sounds at least from what you said that he is in for the chase. i speak from experience on that one too, and have been in many 'relationship's' where the guy only wanted that and as soon as he felt the chase was over, well, his 'feelings' were done too. it was not a good feeling for me.

i also think that if things aren't great at the beginning, they never will be. that is the time when you are supposed to be smitten with this person and vice versa and if there are already large issues, again like running_girl said, what's it going to be like 1 year or 10 years down the road? trust your gut with this one, i think deep down you might know what needs to happen, but that doesn't make it any easier.

best of luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 11:36am

I am going to have to agree with running_girl... You want someone who is compatible with you AND who is just as "into you" and you are "into them"...And who will tell you this! You deserve that.
Perhaps he isn't sure how he feels...Or maybe he does and he is just too chicken to break it off completely, hence the "dating" status. Don't wait around for him to "decide" how he feels about you. Its not your problem. Don't let this guy keep you hanging on. You don't need the heartache and drama.

Good luck and take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 12:12pm

Ditto to everything said on the pervious posts. This is supposed to be the carefree honeymoon period. If you are going through all this drama during the first month then it is not worth it.

Life is too short!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 12:35pm

Well, I hate to rain on your parade, but I'm thinking that if you've been serious for only a month, then there really shouldn't *be* any annoyances to have get over right now.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 1:36pm

Thanks for all the honest replies. That's what I needed, and after thinking about it yesterday, I kind of came to the same conclusion so it was ironic when I read the replies.

Nope, the drama is not good, and I have little tolerance for it. I really have no patience for mind games so I'm out the door.

I just want to say thank you all so much for having this incredibly supportive board!!!!

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 12:29pm
He's a commitmentphobe.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit