WHY???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2005
WHY???
10
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 1:25pm

Hello,

I haven't been on these boards for a while. Any way, ex broke up with me about 5 months ago. Here is the link if you want to read it.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=17721.1

So I was out over the weekend and I get a call. I didn't recognize the number so I just let it go to voicemail. As I was driving home I realized it was the ex's number. Now I'm thinking why is she calling me, we haven't talked in 5 months. A huge part of me does not want to check the voicemail, but there is a small part of me that does want to check it, but I'm scared it will set me back in terms of healing. Should I check VM? Why would she be calling me?

Thanks
ELC_GUY

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: elc_guy
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 1:43pm

Ugh, that's gotta be tough. I personally wouldn't be able to not check it...if you can, more power to you ;-).

Most likely, she's calling either because she broke up with the new guy and wants to see if you're still available (but that doesn't *necessarily* mean she wants to get back together with you), or because she figures enough time has passed and you might be ready to be friends with her.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2005
In reply to: elc_guy
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 2:29pm

The thing is if she does want to get back together I don't think I want to. I have a pretty good feeling if we do get back together, after a while a lot of resentment will build up and I will probably leave her. So why waste time right?

If she is calling to be friends I think it's pretty selfish on her part. Considering we've known each other for 7 years, does she really think after 5 months I would be completely over her. I don't want to hear how great her life is with this new guy and so on.

Geez.. I really don't know what I should do. I guess if she wants to get back together she would do what ever it takes (calling/writing) right?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: elc_guy
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 2:35pm

Re your last paragraph...no, not necessarily. I know I would probably just leave one message saying what I wanted, and if the guy didn't call me back I wouldn't try again.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2005
In reply to: elc_guy
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 9:25pm

So I checked the vm and she said, she was thinking about me and wanted to see how I'm doing. And to call her back if I want to.

WTF? Why would she care how I'm doing? When we broke up she wanted nothing to do with me. And it's only been 5 months... how much coud have changed in 5 months?

Do you guys think she has some underlying agenda with the phone call? I mean she is supposed to be dating someone else and should be in the honeymoon stage. I should be the last thing on her mind.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: elc_guy
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 10:13pm

Ok, from the VM it sounds like she is hoping you two can be friends now, or at least *friendly*. If you're not ready (and I can't imagine you would be yet!) then I wouldn't call her back.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: elc_guy
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 11:55pm

Yeah, kinda weird when they come out of the blue isn't it? I had a similar experience with my ex (we broke up almost six months ago). I hadn't heard from him in months and he left me a couple messages while I was on vacation. Unfortunately, I had no way of knowing it was him so I heard them. I did call him back and we talked for an hour or so. He said he wanted to get together, but he never got back to me and I'm not going to chase after him about it. That was about a month and a half ago.

Funny, but I don't think I could handle talking to him now even though it went well at the time. I don't want to see him. Well, actually I do, which is why I can't. What hurts is I think he only called because he was feeling bad about himself and wanted to know I still care. Like he just wanted an ego boost. I don't think he cared about talking to me. Maybe I'm wrong, but believing he's a jerk makes me miss him less.

If checking that voicemail will do nothing to contribute to your happiness, don't do it. Have you been doing well without her? This really can set you back. And let's say she does want to get back together. If she was going to call you once to profess her undying love then give up, how much did she really want you?

If you must check it (and I can talk a good game, but I probably would), can you either not return the call or e-mail her saying something about not wanting any communication right now? I wouldn't call back unless it was something really important, like a family emergency or something. Otherwise, I'd let her know you'll get in touch if and when you're ready. It seems like you're doing pretty well. Keep moving forward however you have to. Post back and let us know what happens if you don't mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2005
In reply to: elc_guy
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 1:57pm

Monkey girl,

thanks for sharing your experience and giving constructive advice.

Well in the voicemail she said "You are probably surprised to hear from me, I was just thinking about you and wanted to see how you are doing."

I seem to be getting mix advice from friends and from this message board regarding the voicemail. Since she didn't directly say she broke up with the new guy how do I know she just doesn't want be friends? Most of my friends say her relationship is most likely over with the new guy and is calling to test the waters. Friends say if she was still with the new guy, why is she even thinking about me let alone call me?

So I'm kind of stuck at the crossroads right now. Before she called I was at a good place in my life. I really wasn't thinking about her much and felt like I was moving on with life without her. But now she called and it's kind of stirring some thoughts backup.

What do you guys think? Does she want to be friends or is she testing the waters to come back? I'm so confused right now.

thanks
elc

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: elc_guy
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 2:36pm

Hi Elc guy,

I read 2 of your postings. First, I wanted to say... when you broke up and she immediately entered another relationship - it's (IMHO) her cope mechanism for dealing with break up. Every one is different and some people just can't stay alone and process the whole info, because it hurts too much. I've met people like that and was appauled on how it is possible - shocked, exactly as you were. The problem with that is that these people usually don't let things go easily, because they don't go through the healing process, they just cover it, but never resolve the whole issue and it stays with them for their life. Consquently, they are not able to ever start from fresh start a new relationship, there is a lot of baggage from previous ones...
And, in your case, and I might be wrong, it looks like it... You did a great thing - you went through pain, anger, sadness, on your way to recovery... and that is healthy, natural process. I don't know her and what she went through, but I would definetely recommend do not respond to her at all. because even if you send her an email saying - do not contact me - you contact her and, as far as I understand, you are not completely healed. So, just let it go and ignore it. Go on with your life... and in time, when you look back and you are compltely indifferent, no emotions are evoqued... then you can always respond, if she contacts you in some time...

Just my 2 cents...
Hope it helps

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: elc_guy
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 3:19pm

Of course you're confused! You seem like you were moving right along in the grieving process and she comes along & sets you back to the beginning. I have no idea what she would want, but you should assume it's what she said ONLY, that she wants to know how you are. Think about how you will feel if you call her thinking she may want you back and she doesn't. It'll be like going through the breakup all over again.

If you decide to call her, do it only if you can accept that she won't be trying to get back together with you. And if you feel like you can hear about her new BF and be happy for her. Otherwise, you'll set yourself up to get hurt.

It can be hard to resist the temptation to call. Do it if you must, but be cautious. You need to look out for you now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
In reply to: elc_guy
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 7:01pm
Maybe you should think less about what she wants and more about what YOU want. Do you really want to be friends with her or are you hoping for more? Either way, be honest with yourself and with her. And go slowly.