why am i reacting this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
why am i reacting this way?
5
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 2:30pm
I am really upset over something that's probably not that big of a deal, so here I am posting because I think if I tried to talk to anyone about it they'd think I was overreacting.

The immediate thing I'm upset about is my cat ran away. I live alone with my cat, and I am just very attached to her, and I am completely freaking out about her being gone, I think my reaction is a little out of proportion to what happened, so there are probably some other things involved, mainly my ex, who was supposed to be taking care of her this week. For a variety of reasons I still have contact with him, which I justify because he is a) leaving the country in one month b) we share the same social circle and c) he is kind of a monster if we are fighting/breaking up and it doesn't seem worth it. However, I've hooked up with a few guys this summer (he only knows about one) and I have zero expecations from him. i'm just trying to keep things on an even keel til he leaves so that our social circle doesn't explode.

ANYWAY, he was supposed to be housesitting, basically giving my cat some lovin since i was gone for so long and she is still a kitten (almost grown up). I should say that he loves this cat too, he treated her like a baby (it was very cute) when we were together, while also criticizing me for keeping the window shut at night etc., sometimes talking to the cat about how i was trapping both of them, that drove me nuts.

I don't know if he was here though last week (he had left for the weekend by the time I got back on friday so I haven't talked to him). So part of me is blaming him for her running away, if there was no one here all week, because she is very social and needs a lot of attention. Another part of me is anticipating the conversation I will have with my ex when he gets back and that's what starts me sobbing and gets me very angry. Because I know he will feel guilty if she ran off because he didn't stop by, plus he panics when I am visibly upset, and those factors are going to make him very critical of me. He is going to either make fun of me or criticize me for trying to hold on to something that should be free. And I think I will explode if he does that. She was my cat and I loved her and for some reason this all is making me hate him for his stupid philosophy of life which is based on never forming any attachments to anything. i let go of my attachment to him and my expectations from him but I want my f--king CAT!!

I don't know, it's just a cat I know, but it's just making me furious that not only does he resent the attachment that formed between us, he begrudges me my attachment with my cat. And now she's gone and I don't have her to cuddle with at night, and she was (i know this is overdramatic and silly but it's how i feel!) the main comfort I had when I was breaking up with him. And I blame him, deep down, for her being gone. Because he probably didn't stop by this week like he said, plus he was the one who talked me into just keeping the windows open while I was gone instead of taking her to my parents house. He talked me into that with his whole "letting her be free" speech. I'm mad that I listened to him about basically turning her into an outside cat this summer, because he made fun of me (in a critical, not funny way) any time I closed a window to keep her in.

OK sorry this is a weird stupid tangent for the board, and I haven't even been on here for awhile, but I just needed to figure out why I was so upset. Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 6:54pm
I don't think you're being silly or overdramatic at all. Of course you would be upset that your cat is missing. And of course you would be upset with your ex that he was supposed to be responsible for caring for her and obviously messed up big time. Your ex's philosophy of never having an attachment to anything is just a cop-out to justify his inability to be a responsible adult human being capable of forming lasting commitments.

We all have needs and you are justified in needing someone who cares for you and respects you. At MarsVenus.com, they say those are two of a woman's primary needs (the others: understanding, devotion, validation and reassurance). When he says you shouldn't be so attached to your cat, he is not respecting and invalidating your feelings. You don't have to put up with that.

I really, really, really hope you find your cat!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 9:43pm
Oh boy I really hope you find your cat.

I do not think you are overreacting at all! My ex basically picked out my cat (we both went to the SPCA together) and i love him dearly. He also has been a godsend since the breakup and i can't imagine how my ex handled losing me as well as the cat (i used to bring the cat over to his place on weekends). Not only that but my cat knew sometrhing was up and increased cuddle factor big time. You are NOT overreacting.

But it may be topping off feelings you have about your ex too. Sounds like a carbon copy of mine! So its probably a combo but a cat is more than just a "cat". THey provide us with love and companionship that is second to none, and whoever undervalues that is a fool.

Good luck finding her, and you know what, at this point, no matter who's fault it is, your cat is gone andyou need to find her. Instead of blaming your ex, just ask him to help you look. Take the high road. Don't play the blame game.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 1:18pm
I agree completely that you are NOT overreacting... and that the ex only uses the "no strings" ploy as his rationale for why he cannot have a lasting commitment... he sounds insecure to me...

A pet is a family member. You recently lost your relationship and to lose your kitty on top of that must be very stressful. Of course you're upset that she's missing... I'd be devastated! You have a right to your feelings. Anger is a NORMAL part of the grieving process, so go ahead and be mad! NO ONE has the right to invalidate what you feel... maybe others won't understand, but that doesn't mean your feeling aren't real or shouldn't be felt... my ex did this very same thing... putting me down for feeling the way I did about certain things... as if I shouldn't or that I was silly for feeling the way I do...

I hope you find your baby... keep us posted OK? Hugs...


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 11:42am
Well I'm just really excited so I wanted to post an update here -- I got my cat back. She was kidnapped (!) by a woman 2 doors down who decided she was a stray and took her across a mountain range to her mom's house in a town about 40 miles away. They put her in a shed and she ran away. I heard about all this about 3 weeks after it happened from the woman who took her and finally saw my fliers. I hung up a bunch of fliers in the other town, and heard back almost immediately from a family who had been feeding my cat in the evenings, so I went and got her, and it looks like she's just fine!!!

My ex was surprisingly wonderful through this, actually, I feel bad for assuming the worst from him. He was housesitting before she left as he promised, and he went around both towns with me helping me hang up fliers. and more importantly he let me cry on his shoulder during the 1st week when i was beside myself, which is unusual since he usually panics at displays of emotion. So while I have a lot of other reasons to feel like he's let me down, in this instance, he was really nice.

So it's a happy ending!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 8:46pm
I am so relieved you found your cat! I have two myself, and I can't imagine losing either one of them.