Why am I so confused?
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| Mon, 03-05-2007 - 2:01pm |
My story is a long, complicated heart-wrenching Lifetime movie style story - so I'll skip all the details and summarize.
Ex and I broke up the day after Thankgiving (talk about Black Friday). Spent a week or so bitching, arguing, fighting on the phone. Then I said enough is enough. Went 9 days of NO CONTACT. Then he calls me, he comes over and well, you can figure the rest. Spent another 3 weeks trying to work things out, but it was all for naught. Finally, on December 31, I decided I AM DONE. I had just finished reading "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken" by Greg Behrendt and was going to take his advice to heart: a 60-day HETOX (60 days of absolutely NO contact with the ex at all). I started on 1/1/07.
Made it to 2/14/07. Valentine's Day morning - woke up to find 2 boxes of chocolate outside my door from the ex. Of course, he KNOWS me and KNOWS that I would call him to thank him (which I did, later that night). Spent an hour on the phone, just catching up. Next night, same thing. Saturday, he came over for dinner and didn't leave until after breakfast (not smart, I know). We both seemed to have changed, & I really thought things might be different. We decided to take things slowly and proceed with caution. But, alas, it was all just a really stupid mistake. We got right back into the same ol' arguments that had caused us to break up originally. We went on one 'date', and then things just fell apart. I found myself sad, crying, angry and hurt every time we got off the phone. THIS IS NOT HOW I WANTED TO FEEL!
So, last Thursday, I called and told him I couldn't do it anymore. I broke up with him. We talked for about 90 minutes. Then I called him back and said maybe I'd made a mistake. I am so confused. I did SOOOOOOOOO good on the 45 days of my HETOX. I didn't call, drive by, email - nothing. During this time, he also did NOT contact me at all, so I had assumed (incorrectly) that he had moved on with his life. Friday, we talked again, and he doesn't want me to call for at least 2 weeks. I don't know if I WANT to call him in 2 weeks, but I sure feel the URGE to call him right now!
Now, here I sit - I spoke to him briefly yesterday and I know he had a very important Dr's appt today. I want to call, but I know it will do more damage than good. Our relationship was toxic, so why am I even having these thoughts? I feel so confused - when we were apart, I was moving on - I was healthier, happier, enjoying life. Then, he comes back into my life and I got caught up in 'what might happen next' - only to realize that nothing good was going to come of the relationship...so I ended it. Family and friends are sick of me reliving this nightmare - hell, so am I. He's not a bad person, I'm not either - we just don't seem to be 'the right person' for each other.
Why am I having these second thoughts? Part of me wants to let go, part of me wants to hang on. I just don't know what to do!
HELP!

Hi northern_lites and welcome to the board.
The doubts you are having are normal.