why am i so stuck on this stupid man?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
why am i so stuck on this stupid man?
5
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 11:58pm
I have to get my story off my chest. I was with my ex-bf for the past year and a half and our relationship was very rocky. When I first met him he was so sweet and nice and said all the right things and told me how he had never felt this way before and bla, bla, bla. I'm 26 now and at the time that I met him, had never had a serious relationship, I know that sounds crazy, but I just hung out with my friends and had flings. I hadn't met anyone I felt was worth my time, I guess. For some reason, I decided that this guy was worth my time, I'm not sure why now! We were inseperable and I ended up moving in with him and his best friend. When I moved in with him it was only temporary, but while I was living there his best friend died. I tried so hard to be there for him, it killed me everytime I had to go home and realize that the friend would never walk through the door again. I can't imagine how my bf felt. I ended up living there longer till my bf decided it was too expensive for him and got roomates so I moved out. I lived there longer than I wanted to, I wasn't ready to live with him. I didn't think that I was insecure or anything, but he made me feel like I am. He was friends with an ex-girlfriend who is now married and I didn't mind that he talked to her all of the time. Turns out, I should have been worried about it because he broke up with me to try to start a relationship with her, after she decided to get divorced. When we broke up that time we had a conversation about how our relationship wasn't healthy and how it was too much about what HE wanted. We were still friends after we broke up, then he called me about 3 weeks later to go to dinner, and I went. I wanted to know what he wanted...turns out he decided he didn't want to be with the other girl because she has a kid and he didn't want to be a step-dad. He told me he knew what he had with me and wanted another chance and silly me, decided to give him another chance. He always says the right things, and I keep believing him. So the second chance didn't go very well, since I was still so hurt and angry and he seemed to forget about the conversation about our unhealthy relationship. We broke up again and since then we have been off and on, which has been about 6 months. I'm not sure why I can't just get over it, I know he's bad for me and he's a complete butthole. I didn't think that I had low self-esteem or anything like that, but now i'm beginning to wonder. I know I deserve to be treated better and if someone really cared about me, they wouldn't cause me so much confusion and pain. This is only half of the story about how he treated me. He wouldn't do anything that I wanted to do, he yelled at me about how he didn't want to marry me, he broke my car and didn't fix it untill I quit talking to him over it. See, reading this is making me realize how stupid I am for even caring about this anymore. Who would want to be with someone like that? It's just non-stop drama and I feel like I should be 13 right now. I must love drama. I know I'm co-dependent and I think that's really a lot of the problem of why I just keep letting him back in my life, and believing his lies about getting counseling and how he is dumb for treating me like crap. I just started talking to him again last week, after he got mad at me because I wouldn't keep his money in my account and keep track of it for him. Hello, he's 36!! I act like a crazy person with him, texting him, just being annoying, and I know I'm being annoying. I just wanted the relationship to end in a way that I would feel good about, but I just need to realize that it's just not going to happen and get over it. Is it always this hard to break up with people? Why am I so weird? How do I quit being such a drama queen about this?? I keep thinking that he's going to turn back into the sweet man I first met, but I need to realize that that's NOT going to happen either! I keep thinking that maybe it's the death of his friend that turned our relationship to a mess, but my bf doesn't have the best track history with his relationships, I think that they were all pretty much like ours was...anyway, I just had to write about it to help get over it. I just feel so bad...I hate it. I just want to be happy with myself again and not feel so crazy!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 12:26am

At what point in the relationship did he change?

My guess is that you lost yourself somewhere along the way. And your self-esteem was wrapped up in being with him and making the relationship work. Instead of addressing the 'rocky' parts pro-actively - like counseling or setting a firm boundary of what was acceptable to you and what wasn't, you went with the flow, put up with stuff to keep from ending the relationship, even if it was the right thing to do. Part of this is because, there was a part of you that hoped he would change back into the nice guy you knew him as. People change for many reasons - like lack of communication, the build up of resentment, not being able to discuss the real issues. We women tend to deny the truth that is right in front of us for long periods of time, until we cannot deny the truth any longer.

What would be the best way to break up? He left you for another woman, one he was in communication with, an ex, lied to you about his feelings about her, and then stayed friends with you, making you were the back up plan in case things didn't work out with her - so let me ask you, how does it feel to be used? Think about it, she was getting a divorce, he moved in on her, TO SLEEP WITH HER, think about it, he knew all along that she had a child.

You are not weird, everything you feel is normal. You can stop being a drama-queen about it, when you decide to quit. In the meantime, consider journal writing, venting on paper and also consider short-term counseling to help you through the rest of it.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 6:44am

First of all you are not weird. You fell in love for the first time and unfortunately it was with the wrong man. The most important thing is that you recognize that reality and keep telling yourself he is not right for you. As much as you "think" you love him, does he really and truly feel the same about you. And if he did, why does he treat you the way he does? I suggest you read an article posted by cl-i_b_sandradee called "Breaking the Compulsive Cycle.." Many of us have fallen into that trap (including myself), but we have also learned and grew from it. And I have confidence that you will too. Good luck!

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=20822.1&ctx=0

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 3:40pm
Thanks for your help, I think I did lose myself along the way, I tried to communicate with him, but it was a lost cause. I think I need to maintain the strict no contact rule for...probably longer than a month, but I'll start there. I need to find myself and be happy single and without him, I think I've just forgotten that I AM strong enough to do this and to get over it and move on. He's not worth making myself a fool over AGAIN. Thanks again for your advice! I'm sure I'll be back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 11:58pm
Your story reminds me a lot about my own relationship that ended a week and two days ago. It sounds to me (which is what I went through) that you are a confidant woman who was made to feel insecure by a man who lied and took you for granted. Then once you become insecure about the relationship, you start to call like crazy if they don't answer your calls and you become annoying and "put pressure" on them (like my ex told me) because you go crazy when you don't know where or who they're with. Well, hello!! you wouldn't be so paranoid if they didn't do something to lose your trust! I keep telling myself that I am secure and confidant and have a healthy self esteem, but that being with him was making me turn into somebody that I was not happy with. I couldn't stand seeing myself so vulnerable and insecure and I knew that staying with him would only make me worse. Times he would be "good" I felt great, and any lil thing he would do to pick at the scab of my wounded heart would cause so much pain that I didn't want to see myself a year down the road going through these emotional rollercoasters. So even though he finally broke up with me, I tell myself its for the best because our relationship got to a point where he was causing me more pain than happiness and above all, I love myself more than anyone else! I hope that you can relate to some of what i went/am going through. You are better than that, you know you are smarter than that and he did you a favor because I think if my ex hadn't broken up with me, i'd still be with him going through this pain but since I had no choice cause he left me, now I have to deal with what I was trying to avoid: the breakup and the pain that comes with it. But, it's a necessary step/process we must go through in order to once again be freed from the chains of that unhealthy relationship and start to rebuild our confidence and heal our hearts. I've had no contact since he broke it off, I survivied one week and I'm aiming for two weeks this Monday. Take it one day at a time for now and you'll notice it gets a lil bit better each day. Stay strong!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 3:19pm

Somewhere inside yourself is still you, just maybe buried under all the hopes and expectations that you built up. You'll find you again if you look carefully and listen quietly.

Being addicted to drama isn't only related to romantic relationships. I've found it comes from a lifetime of adrenalin-pumping relationships that are never calm. You may find it in all of your relationships to some extent, as I have noticed with mine.

The first step, I have found in my own experience, is to recognize the reality which you have done. Don't worry about if you don't feel it or not, feelings will change along with your actions. Moving on is the next step, and sounds like you're doing that too. Just create distance between you and him and go on a trip or whatever you can to create a new world of thought.

You don't have to stop loving him, just remove yourself and protect yourself as you walk away.

The trick, the really hard one, is to move on and not recreate the same situation with another guy. I don't have answers for how not to do that, but I know it's the ideal. I'm working on that myself also.

So...you're not alone. And you WILL make it.

Hugs.