Why am i still dating my ex? a sad story
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Why am i still dating my ex? a sad story
| Tue, 08-02-2005 - 8:58pm |
Hi everyone. I am going through a horribly confusing and difficult post-break up period. I found this message board and just reading that other people are going through similar difficult situations has been a comfort. Finally, i decided to make a post myself, just so that, if nothing else, i get all this stuff out of my head. And if someone can relate to me or give me some kind advice then that would be nice, too. My situation is kind of a long story, but i hope someone will read it and put up a response. I just feel so foolish, and lost, i don't know how to change things.
My boyfriend and i broke up about a month ago, and yet i feel like we are still dating because i can't stop seeing him! Now, I know all the rules about no contact, and how it cannot possibly lead to anything good, I know that i am suppost focus on other things, see my friends, and with time it will pass... but its like I have no self control now.
I have always been a very sensitive emotional person, and eventhough i come across as confident, loud and outgoing, i have always been scared to let people get close to me. For this reason i never had a boyfriend all through middle school or highschool, and not even my first year of college. Then i felt like something had to change, and right at that time i met this guy at school who i really felt strongly attracted to. He wasnt the first person i had sex with, but he was the first that it ment something with.
We began seeing eachother, and i felt myself falling for him, hard. Needless to say i was terrified, but for the first time in my life i didnt run the other way, and after a month or two we became official. My one and only real relationship turned out to be my first love and we ended up dating for a whole year. The relationship had its ups and downs, but we just had such a great connection that the lows were worth it.
But i always felt he was afraid to get too close, and that he just can't be there for me as much as i need him to. Which is not too unusual seeing as to how he is only 21 (and i'm 20). Anyway, toward the end of the relationship i found myself crying occasionly for no particular reason. I just felt like our relationship wasnt going anywhere and would therefor have to end soon. But ofcourse being with someone for a while, and having never had any real feeling for another guy, i couldnt imagine "the end".
So, only three weeks before our one year anniversary we were hanging out like we always do. Everything was normal, we didnt fight, no one was fed up with the other, everything seemed fine just like always... on the surface. Then i brought up what was on my mind... I said i felt worried that if he didnt try harder, we wouldnt be able to keep the relationship going once the year began, and how i felt like i was losing him. Sadly he had been feeling the same but neither one of us had wanted to voice it. So instead of telling me what i wanted to hear (like its ok, we'll be fine, etc.) he told me that really he just can't handle being in such a serious relationship (although he'd had other girlfriends, i was his longest relationship). And then he went on to say things like being confused about what he wants in life right now, and he since he cant help that right now he also cant stand that his uncertainty somehow always ends up hurting me. Also, he wants to be with me he also wants to have his last year at school to be himself and have fun, since once he goes to med-school he is gonna be swamped by work for like 10 years. He also has this crazy theory that after college his life will pretty much be over, and marriage is just this scary inevitable thing in the distance, like the "final destination" or something! It really is kind of a skewed outlook, but anyways...
Once we both brought all our issues out into the open, we couldnt just put them back in a little box and pretend we hadnt seen them. A break up was inevitable, and staying together for the rest of summer out of convenience just seemed like a relationship with a deadline, and how depressing is that? But he said he valued hanging out with me more than anyone and we could still be friends... and we all know how badly that works. So for a week i moped around and cried alot and overall just felt physically injured.
But we still had a pair of Dave Matthews band tickets from before our break up talk, which he had bought for my birthday present, so i decided i would go. OBVIOUSLY i had a great time, and it felt just like we were still together. VERY confusing and yet better than what i felt alone. We obviously ended up having sex because we both still have feelings for eachother, and we've always had a very strong and intense attraction to one another... but wait, it gets worse. After that we tried hanging out a couple times, and it was fun as always. We have such a good intellectual connection, too, we still finish eachothers sentences, and talk about books and politics and life and blah blah blah. But we couldnt do it without eventually hooking up. Being JUST friends is obviously impossible.
So I tried to be strong. I said to him that he had to decide whether he wanted me in his life or not, that i loved him too much to do this weird hook up but not be together thing, and i'm sorry if he is confused but this is too hard, and if he didnt want to be with me then he had lost me. But i knew that he could not be what i need him so badly to be at this point in our lives, and he just looked so confused and torn trying to decide what to say because no answer would be a good one. I went inside my house and burst into tears as soon as the door closed behind me. I had decided not to have contact with him anymore. He called and messaged me for a while saying how he missed me, and couldnt we just please be friends cuz he misses talking to me, but i kept saying no. And i finally told him on the phone that he had broken my heart and i need time to heal, and seeing him would only hurt. He finally understood and stopped trying to contact me.
After that i didnt see him for about two weeks, and then, i am so very sad to say, i just couldnt take the horrible loneliness anymore... I cracked, and i called him.
I KNOW! biggest mistake ever, i know i know. But i just didnt care anymore, i couldnt even remember why i was staying away from him so adimently. He was very happy that I wanted to hang out again, and his excited reaction made me feel good again for the first time in a while. Now when we see eachother we just do everything we used to do except there is no title on it.
So now I am stuck in this terrible situation where I am in a “non-exclusive” relationship with someone I am in love with. Its horrible, the first time I open up to someone, EVER and this is what happens. Now my ex-boyfriend who I cannot stop loving, who i cannot be friends with, who i cannot be away from, and who i can’t really be with either, casually calls or messages me to talk about everyday things, as if everything is completely fine. Meanwhile I am very hurt and very confused. If he had just dumped me and refused to talk to me anymore then I could handle not trying to contact him. But pushing him away while all I want is to run to him… this is weighing very very heavily on my heart.
Its obvious that I should just cut him out. But if someone has a bad leg that should be amputated, then ofcourse they would agree to have it removed. But ask someone to cut it off themselves and it’s a whole different story… i dunno if that metaphor makes any sense.
Ok, if anybody actually got this far, and read all this PLEASE give me some feedback. I dont want to tell my friends that have started seeing him again because they will just tell me what i already know. And then i will get those pitiful looks like "there is just no helping her" or "poor girl". I feel like no one understands. I have been trying not to cry for so long now that i just feel numb. I have struggled with depression before, there was a time when i took prozac because life seemed so pointless. And when i am away from him i begine slipping back into that mind set. I fight it, and fight it, but i am just so tired. All i want is to be ok, with or without him.
So what do I do? How do I go more than a week without obsessing over where he is, or what he is doing? How do go out and have fun, when nothing is fun, and no one is interesting? How do I do I get rid of the constant knot in my stomach that hurts and makes it hard to eat or sleep? How can i be strong? If other people can do it why is it like trying to do the impossible for me? Am i really so weak? I cant take anymore... HELP!
My boyfriend and i broke up about a month ago, and yet i feel like we are still dating because i can't stop seeing him! Now, I know all the rules about no contact, and how it cannot possibly lead to anything good, I know that i am suppost focus on other things, see my friends, and with time it will pass... but its like I have no self control now.
I have always been a very sensitive emotional person, and eventhough i come across as confident, loud and outgoing, i have always been scared to let people get close to me. For this reason i never had a boyfriend all through middle school or highschool, and not even my first year of college. Then i felt like something had to change, and right at that time i met this guy at school who i really felt strongly attracted to. He wasnt the first person i had sex with, but he was the first that it ment something with.
We began seeing eachother, and i felt myself falling for him, hard. Needless to say i was terrified, but for the first time in my life i didnt run the other way, and after a month or two we became official. My one and only real relationship turned out to be my first love and we ended up dating for a whole year. The relationship had its ups and downs, but we just had such a great connection that the lows were worth it.
But i always felt he was afraid to get too close, and that he just can't be there for me as much as i need him to. Which is not too unusual seeing as to how he is only 21 (and i'm 20). Anyway, toward the end of the relationship i found myself crying occasionly for no particular reason. I just felt like our relationship wasnt going anywhere and would therefor have to end soon. But ofcourse being with someone for a while, and having never had any real feeling for another guy, i couldnt imagine "the end".
So, only three weeks before our one year anniversary we were hanging out like we always do. Everything was normal, we didnt fight, no one was fed up with the other, everything seemed fine just like always... on the surface. Then i brought up what was on my mind... I said i felt worried that if he didnt try harder, we wouldnt be able to keep the relationship going once the year began, and how i felt like i was losing him. Sadly he had been feeling the same but neither one of us had wanted to voice it. So instead of telling me what i wanted to hear (like its ok, we'll be fine, etc.) he told me that really he just can't handle being in such a serious relationship (although he'd had other girlfriends, i was his longest relationship). And then he went on to say things like being confused about what he wants in life right now, and he since he cant help that right now he also cant stand that his uncertainty somehow always ends up hurting me. Also, he wants to be with me he also wants to have his last year at school to be himself and have fun, since once he goes to med-school he is gonna be swamped by work for like 10 years. He also has this crazy theory that after college his life will pretty much be over, and marriage is just this scary inevitable thing in the distance, like the "final destination" or something! It really is kind of a skewed outlook, but anyways...
Once we both brought all our issues out into the open, we couldnt just put them back in a little box and pretend we hadnt seen them. A break up was inevitable, and staying together for the rest of summer out of convenience just seemed like a relationship with a deadline, and how depressing is that? But he said he valued hanging out with me more than anyone and we could still be friends... and we all know how badly that works. So for a week i moped around and cried alot and overall just felt physically injured.
But we still had a pair of Dave Matthews band tickets from before our break up talk, which he had bought for my birthday present, so i decided i would go. OBVIOUSLY i had a great time, and it felt just like we were still together. VERY confusing and yet better than what i felt alone. We obviously ended up having sex because we both still have feelings for eachother, and we've always had a very strong and intense attraction to one another... but wait, it gets worse. After that we tried hanging out a couple times, and it was fun as always. We have such a good intellectual connection, too, we still finish eachothers sentences, and talk about books and politics and life and blah blah blah. But we couldnt do it without eventually hooking up. Being JUST friends is obviously impossible.
So I tried to be strong. I said to him that he had to decide whether he wanted me in his life or not, that i loved him too much to do this weird hook up but not be together thing, and i'm sorry if he is confused but this is too hard, and if he didnt want to be with me then he had lost me. But i knew that he could not be what i need him so badly to be at this point in our lives, and he just looked so confused and torn trying to decide what to say because no answer would be a good one. I went inside my house and burst into tears as soon as the door closed behind me. I had decided not to have contact with him anymore. He called and messaged me for a while saying how he missed me, and couldnt we just please be friends cuz he misses talking to me, but i kept saying no. And i finally told him on the phone that he had broken my heart and i need time to heal, and seeing him would only hurt. He finally understood and stopped trying to contact me.
After that i didnt see him for about two weeks, and then, i am so very sad to say, i just couldnt take the horrible loneliness anymore... I cracked, and i called him.
I KNOW! biggest mistake ever, i know i know. But i just didnt care anymore, i couldnt even remember why i was staying away from him so adimently. He was very happy that I wanted to hang out again, and his excited reaction made me feel good again for the first time in a while. Now when we see eachother we just do everything we used to do except there is no title on it.
So now I am stuck in this terrible situation where I am in a “non-exclusive” relationship with someone I am in love with. Its horrible, the first time I open up to someone, EVER and this is what happens. Now my ex-boyfriend who I cannot stop loving, who i cannot be friends with, who i cannot be away from, and who i can’t really be with either, casually calls or messages me to talk about everyday things, as if everything is completely fine. Meanwhile I am very hurt and very confused. If he had just dumped me and refused to talk to me anymore then I could handle not trying to contact him. But pushing him away while all I want is to run to him… this is weighing very very heavily on my heart.
Its obvious that I should just cut him out. But if someone has a bad leg that should be amputated, then ofcourse they would agree to have it removed. But ask someone to cut it off themselves and it’s a whole different story… i dunno if that metaphor makes any sense.
Ok, if anybody actually got this far, and read all this PLEASE give me some feedback. I dont want to tell my friends that have started seeing him again because they will just tell me what i already know. And then i will get those pitiful looks like "there is just no helping her" or "poor girl". I feel like no one understands. I have been trying not to cry for so long now that i just feel numb. I have struggled with depression before, there was a time when i took prozac because life seemed so pointless. And when i am away from him i begine slipping back into that mind set. I fight it, and fight it, but i am just so tired. All i want is to be ok, with or without him.
So what do I do? How do I go more than a week without obsessing over where he is, or what he is doing? How do go out and have fun, when nothing is fun, and no one is interesting? How do I do I get rid of the constant knot in my stomach that hurts and makes it hard to eat or sleep? How can i be strong? If other people can do it why is it like trying to do the impossible for me? Am i really so weak? I cant take anymore... HELP!

You are afraid of the pain you will feel, afraid of losing him. But you know it is the right thing. So let him go. Don't call him, tell him how you feel. This is messing with your heart and mind.
You know what you have to do. The pain will be there, we all are dealing with our own pains. It takes time.
Spend time with friends.
Spend time with family.
Read books, watch movies.
Go somewhere.
When you start thinking of him, do something to keep yourself busy. I do the dishes, read a book or watch tv.
I spend the night at friends houses. I go for walks. I watch tv. I read this board. I write. Do things that make you feel good. Do you enjoy anything, a hobby or a sport? Do that! You will have to keep your mind off of him. But time will be the only way to heal. YOu will hurt, but it will get better in time. Give yourself time, and don't rush it. This is a lesson in your life, and down the road, you'll look back on this. This builds who you are. Next relationship, you will have new clarity. Things will be different. My first love was three years, and I thought we'd be together forever. It felt like someone died when it was over, even though he played with my head and didn't want to commit to marriage or anything like that. Our future was bleak. But after time, I got over it. It was a while, but I kept myself busy. I talked to my friends about it. Talk to them. If they are your true friends, even though you did something they disagree with, they will be there for you to talk to and cry with. It will get better! I promise! This is very very normal, but keeping yourself in this cycle of confusion and heartbreak will only make it worse. Get out now and do this for YOU!
You can do this! Don't be afraid. If you stay with him and keep doing this, what will you feel like down the road!?!? Think about that, and let him go.
thanks so much for those supportive words, digitalsolstice. The truth is i don't know why i am such a mess over this guy. I have always been very independant, and fiercely defensive whenever i felt i was being treated unfairly. I don't know why i lost that person when i fell in love with him, but you are right, it can't possibly lead to anything good. I will do my best to be strong.
But i guess the biggest obstacle is this... i can handle not contacting him, but how do i forget about him if he keeps contacting me? I don't hate him so i dont want to do anything drastic like block him. But what can i do to make myself see, on the inside, that he is not good for me, and that this is not love? If i can just do that, then his attempts to maintain contact me wouldn't be so difficult to deal with.
<3 Carouselambra
Hang in there,
Grace
Another long one....
If you want him to stop contacting you, just tell him to stop. Don't be mean about it. Just tell him it is messing with your head and you need to move on because you want something he doesn't.
Then, if and when he contacts you, do not reply to him. Do not talk to him. He will finally realize you are for real this time. If you give in, this vicious cycle will go on and on. You will be strong, and in the long run have the upper hand.
See, it's easy for a guy to tell a girl to quit calling him. Then the girl is really hurt and confused. Guys think differently. Throughout my four major relationships, I have dealt with a lot.
You need to be honest and tell him the truth (and be kind, but not submissive to his pleads). No matter how hard it is on you or him.
If he loved you like you love him, he would want a relationship.
Don't settle for second best, that is sex without a relationship. You just get more emotionally bonded to him. And I believe most women truly want to be intimate with the person they love and are committed to. So don't do that to yourself anymore. You're giving him something he wants, and all he can give in return is his company with no 'title'. That's not FAIR!!! It isn't fair is it? Relationships are not one-sided. And this guy wants it his way.
So just be honest with him, and let him know how you feel and that you do not need to talk to him anymore. Perhaps he will change his mind down the road.
I do not mean to be rude when I say this, but it's been told to me before-'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'. You are worth more than that! I am sorry my postings are so long, but I can identify and it helps me to cope to help you. I am hurt myself. But someday, you will find someone who will love you! And you know what, this relationship will look like a joke to you. I was in your shoes somewhat. The only thing you're doing is emotionally torturing yourself just to be around him. He thinks, 'hey she's cool to hang out with, but i get sex too.' Then, if he decides to see other women and have sex with them, it's ok because you two are not an item or exclusive. Then think of the possiblities of diseases, on top of being resentful that he slept with someone else. But he could, since you two are not a couple.
Think of all the good things, of course, but when you have some time, when you're mad and angry at him, think of the bad. You will come up with some. You're still lovestruck, but it will come around when your anger starts kicking in.
You can regain your independence. Your first love has changed your life! But that can be a good thing. Now you know what you want out of a relationship. You have grown! Be a single women for a little while. Date a few guys. You'll see there are other fish in the sea. Just don't jump into a relationship to try to dismiss your pain, that only leads to more problems. Be single for a little bit and enjoy your life! He will be!
Just keep telling yourself you do not deserve this! You don't you are better than that!
Just think of how selfish he is being.
How can you see on the inside that he is not right for you?
Simple-
*you want more and he can't give that to you.
*No matter how many times you see him or hang out with him or sleep with him, he is less likely to want a relationship, because he already told you that, and he's getting the benefits without a 'title'.
*think of where you would want to be with him a year from now, two years, more
*he's young and so are you
*is he only calling you for a good time?
*did he call you before when you two broke off the relationship?
*can you hang on to someone you love that does not love you?
*is that fair to you that you care so much for him but all he wants is to be friends?
*why can't he commit? he did before? Things are the same as they were before for the most part but why can't we be in a committed relationship?
*if i point blank asked him if he loves me or if he wants to be in a committed relationship, what is he going to say? (and you need to ask him that again, because maybe him telling you how he really feels will help you to realize he is not good for you)
*ask him what he would think if you started to date another guy
*ask him if he is dating other girls
You'll get through this! We're all here for you!
Don't sell yourself short! You deserve better! Think with your head for a little while, not with your heart. You'll soon realize he's not good for you. This is very unhealthy for you. And you'll be ok.
I am in the same situation as you and I KNOW how much it hurts. Me and my bf of 2 years broke up 2 weeks ago over the phone. Actually, he didnt have the courage to do it so I basically had to do it for him, confusing I know. Basically, he hasnt lifted a finger for our relationship in so long and I just got tired of it. He told me that he doesnt know what he wants, doesnt know if he wants to be with me, but he still loves me and wants to be friends (!!!) for now. So I was strong and for 2 weeks I didnt see him at all, we only talked on the phone a few times. Well on saturday night I cracked and went to see him at his apartment. Well after a lot of crying, alot of I-dont-knows on his part we started kissing and had sex. It was so wonderfull, I felt so connected to him, and he held me so tight etc. etc. Well afterwards, the look on his face said it all...it was pure 100% GUILT. I felt horrible. I felt used. I hated him so much I coudlnt even look at him. He didnt say it, but I know he wanted to say the i-hope-u-know-this-doesnt-mean-were-back-together speech. I was so heartbroken, felt so helpless I was shaking. He did feel bad, he kept on saying he loves me but doesnt want a relationship with me right now, because he doesnt feel the sparks as he used to, etc. Then I ended up sleeping over, and we held each other all night long. And on sunday, we had breakfast, had sex another 2 times, had supper together. And then I decided this was a huge mistake and left. Now I am at work and I am trying really hard not to cry. I feel as if I am settling for less, and he knows that. He is playing with my emotions because he knows he can, because he knows I am vulnerable, and he knows I will be there for him when he wants me. HOW HORRIBLE IS THAT??
Anyways, all that to say that the WORST possible things you can do is give him whatever he wants, while you are crumbling inside. I just realized now that if i keep on seeing my ex bf and sleeping with him and hanging out with him, he is never going to want to have a relationship with me cause hey he can get the milk for free..know what I mean??
Also, I wanted to share something else with you. I did the same thing to an ex bf that our ex bfs are now doing to us. A few years ago, I broke up with my bf of almost 2 years for now particular reason, gave him the im confused speech and so on. The truth is, I was tired of being in a relationship and felt like seeing what else is out there. So I started dating someone almost immediately, but meanwhile, I was still seeing my ex and doing stuff with him because I knew I could. And for about 2 months we kept this on; we hung out, yet we had no relationship. I was getting what I wanted from him, while he was so sad and so upset. And the truth is, I did it because I knew (well I thought) that he would always be there. And I was wrong. After a while, he got sick of it, stopped calling me, refused to see me. Then I panicked, and was desperate to get him back. Well he left and never looked back, found someone else, and now they are engaged and about to get married. So yeah, life can turn out funny sometimes.
So no matter what you do, DO NOT GIVE in. Eventually he will either realize what he is loosing and come crawling back to you, or if he doesnt, thats his loss and you can go on and find someone worthy of your love.
Good luck!!