Why am I still not over her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2005
Why am I still not over her?
1
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 2:34pm

So the story goes...

We were together for 3 yrs. We've been broken a year and a few months. We broke up because our relationship goal wasn't the same, she wanted full on commitment, I wasn't ready yet. We're only in our early 20's. We were eachother's first loves, and just about eachother's first everything. I wanted what she wanted, but just not yet-we even exchanged rings. Eventually, we had a huge falling out..I did some stupid things, the more she pushed for the commitment the more I backed away from the relationship. I was scared.

We finally broke it off for good...after the huge falling out...within a month she was already with someone new. I was heartbroken. I felt like our 3 years had been washed down the drain. I also felt like she had found a replacement for me. We were the best of friends and I felt like it was all taken away from me. We didn't talk really for months, I would try to contact her, and she would give me mixed signals-would come on strong, then back off. I actually didn't know she was in the new relationship until 4 months after they were together. The times that we would talk, I would talk about getting back togther-and she would never chime in with "I'm in a relationship." I eventually found out through friends, then she finally told her when I asked her pointblank.

Fastforward.

We hadn't talked for months, then she contacted me. I knew it was trouble from the start. When does friendship ever work with an ex? Well it defnitely didn't in this case. There were way too many feelings involved, even 6 months after the break up. Her and her gf were having problems, I consoled her...advised her, helped her out. She gave out a lot of mixed signals. I am sure I gave out my share as well. She would flirt with me, tell me how perfect we would be if we got back together etc etc...you get the idea. I finally had to back off-I knew how friendship would eventually reach it's expiration date. I tried backing off several times, and she would always contact me, and tell me that she missed me and I would fall back in. However, this time I knew I needed to do it for good, and stick to my guns. When things starting working out again for her and her girlfriend-it was easier for her to accept-which isn't really a surprise. We still talk once in awhile, but now I feel like I've been replaced once again.

I was doing really well, then backtracked when I opted for friendship with her; even though I knew it was inevitable that is wasn't gonna work out. Still, I was hopeful-and I wasn't ready to let go, and neither was she.

It's weird though-even through all the BS we went through, I still miss her, a lot. I sort of feel like I am losing my best friend all over again. However, a part of me feels like I should've accepted this whole situation and moved on. It's been over a yr after all since the initial breakup. So I guess my question is, after all of this time, why am I still not over her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 3:08pm

Mostly because you are still talking to her. She has kept you on the back burner all this time, needing you when she was having problems with her new relationship, comforted by your friendship, and ego boosted that you still wanted her. I don't think she has intended to use you and hurt you, but she has been very selfish. And you have kinda hung around all this time hoping she would come back to you. I'm sorry you are hurting. If you read any other posts, you'll see we all struggle with the friendship route, the I'll be there for them and still pine for them. It just doesn't work. She has very much moved on, and though she cares about you, she's not going to try and make it work with you. I bet if you try hard to accept that what you had is over and spend some time not hearing about her other relationships, you will heal and be able to move on completely this time.

I know ist is so sad to lose someone so close to you, but try to lean on your other friends and family. She's not going to be a good friend right now for you at all, and who knows if you'll eventually be able to connect as friends in a couple of years. Good luck
Gracie