Why Can I Not Get Over This?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Why Can I Not Get Over This?
12
Sat, 06-07-2008 - 6:27pm

Alright, Im 7 months out of a nearly 5 year relationship.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2008
Sat, 06-07-2008 - 7:31pm

Ross -


The person who promised ME that he's always be there, through thick & thin, who gave me exact dates when things would happen, who has SHOWED me my own engagement ring... has abandoned me too, after 3 years together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 06-07-2008 - 9:31pm

I know you don't want to feel this way any more and I'm sorry you are still going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Sun, 06-08-2008 - 1:08pm

Rossjack, I think it really takes TIME to heal from a 5 year relationship. And I think it's a gradual, integrative process. I know it sucks but that seems to be the way it goes. It's been slow process for me too and it's frustrating, but you will come out of this a better person.

One of the pieces of advice I read on this board came from you. You said to someone, "Just imagine where you want your life to be in a year and then set out every day and try to make that a reality." Yeah, I wrote it down :)

Try to keep the focus on you and want you want from your life. Can you set some goals and focus on reaching them? Even if setting goals seems futile right now, give it a shot. And they don't have to involve other people (I'm an introvert and being with people often makes me feel worse too; there are few people I connect to). Maybe learning a new skill, reading a certain number of books, saving a certain amount of money...

The future is uncertain. We have NO IDEA what it holds... In a year or two your world could be so dramatically different than it is now. Hold onto that.

Also I agree with the other poster who recommended keeping up with therapy. You could "interview" a few therapists if your current one doesn't seem to be working out.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-08-2008 - 2:25pm

I'm a little shocked that you expect to be over a 5 year relationship in so short a time!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 2:00am

Hi Ross


I have been following your post over these past few months because our post appears around the same time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 8:00pm

Thanks to everyone who posted. It means a lot to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2007
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 9:22pm

Ross I am so sorry you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2008
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 6:50pm
Wow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Fri, 06-13-2008 - 10:44pm

I read this quote today after dusting off one of my old chicken soup books. Anyways, it was about a woman who ran a recovery house for victims of the holocaust. And the quote is as such "Those who were able to forgive their former enemies were able to return to the outside world and rebuild their lives, no matter what the physical (or mental) scars. Those who nursed their bitterness remained invalids. It was as simple and horrible as that." It's really truly applicable to every story on this thread. How do you do that? I don't have a concrete solution, but I have a suggestion about what I did - Every morning before I walked out the door for work, I stood in front of my full length mirror and told myself the same thing. "Today I forgive you (my ex) for what you did to me. I realize that what you did is a reflection of your own personal dream (from the Four agreements, great book) and not a reflection of me. And today I forgive you because that is my own personal dream. PS you are beautiful today"

AND, for all those who have to deal with their ex 'moving on' rapidly, I offer this story. Outside of my apartment, there's are two hotels undergoing extensive renovations: a Holiday Inn (our exes) and a Hilton (us).

The Holiday Inn finished just last month. From the outside it looks pretty nice. It's clean, modern, fairly good design. However, if you go in, everything is the same on the inside. Same rooms, same number of floors, the signs outside are the same ones polished up. The whole design is very simple (boring actually). It looks GREAT but nothing has changed really. There's no growth, only a prettying up. And whatever the polish, it's still a HOLIDAY INN. It's clientel, from what I can see, are blue haired grannies who delight in making the staff miserable.

On the other hand, the Hilton is still a WIP (work in progress) like us. I won't lie; it looks like dirt right now. The outside is a mess, they're constantly blocking traffic, they've temporarily shut down the hotel while they completely re-haul the inside and expand the building by another 20 floors. It's going to take 2X, 5X, 10X the amount of time, sweat, and money Holiday Inn spent, to get this place together. But at the end, I have no doubt, it's going to be spectacular and beautiful piece of art, and it will attract some amazing guests.

To put it in simple words, sometimes it's hard for us to not envy the ex when it seems everything about them is so well put together. But at the core, there's been no internal renovation, just some spit and polish. And this is reflected in the people they move on with - women/men who don't respect anything and trash the scenery for the duration of the stay. Meanwhile you feel like dirt because you're partway along the road to becoming a spectacular person. And at the end, it will be reflected in the people (and clients) you attract - people can and will give you the love and respect you deserve. Nobody who sees the rubble that is the Hilton right now ever doubts that it will come out amazing, WHY DO YOU DOUBT THAT YOU WILL? And at the heart of all this, don't forget that you are a Hilton and he is only a Holiday Inn!

Best,


- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 12:35pm

Ross, I have a different perspective.

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