Why Can't I Get Over This!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2007
Why Can't I Get Over This!!!
9
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 6:27am

It's been 4 months since I ended a 4 year relationship with my ex. He's since been running around with a 21 year old (2 weeks after the breakup). This threw me over the edge...I broke down, blamed myself for everything, apologized to God for things I did when I was a child in hopes He'd send my ex back to me. Since then I've tried everything to move on...going out with friends, taking up new hobbies, avoiding all of his hangouts, venting,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 11:45am

I'd say he needs to be knocked off his pedestal pronto. It's easy to fall into that trap of wondering about what he's thinking or assuming we know how he feels. We don't know and we don't need to know. What we need to do is to find ways to love ourselves and find a new dream (or vision or whatever you want to call it) to replace the old one. Until you do you'll keep going back to that empty space and asking why. But if it makes you feel any better, I've heard that men often put off dealing with breakups until much later than women (and that certainly sounds like what your ex is doing with the new relationship). That's why so many men come crawling back eventually, and why so many women no longer want them when they do. They've done their grieving and see the men and the relationship in a more realistic light.

One more thing: Don't keep telling yourself that you can't get over it. Start saying that you will, and that in fact you already are, bit by bit. I see that in the fact that you no longer want him back. That's huge.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 11:54am

Welcome to the board goslinglovr27,


First, guys and girls handle break ups differently for the most part.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 12:19pm

Well, short answer is, you're not over it yet because it was a 4 year relationship and it's only been 4 months, plus you have sporadic contact with him so that keeps re-starting the clock.


I would suggest that you do your best to avoid seeing him, and if you can't do so, just nod hello and keep walking--don't engage him in conversation or allow him to do so.


I do understand you being bothered that he moved on so quickly--an ex I was with for 4 years *moved in* with another woman 2 weeks after we split up so I do get that!--but in time, you'll recognize that it just doesn't matter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2007
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 1:07pm

I honestly think that's some of the best advice i've recieved....fact of the matter is i know im not over it but im just not done venting yet....thanx so much

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2007
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 1:32pm
can i ask where the resources folder is located?? i'd be very interested to read about that technique
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 1:35pm

It's the fourth folder down on this board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2007
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 2:12pm

Thought I'd add my 2 cents as a guy whose girlfriend ended their relationship over a month ago. I've been lurking on this board for the last several weeks and usually find the advice quite insightful and supportive, but feel I have to weigh in here because something does not add up.

You say YOU are the one who ended this relationship. In other words, YOU dumped this guy, and yes, what we guys often do after being dumped is go out and try to heal that pain as quickly as possible, hopefully boost our hurt egos, and maybe, just maybe, have our ex realize they made a mistake. Flings with 21-year-olds are very convenient in this regard. But don't kid yourself -- odds are he's been feeling plenty of pain and hurt. You say you want him to come "crawling back" to you, but how is he to know that? If he follows the advice on this board, as well as the advice he's hearing from all of his friends, the LAST thing he should do is, in the midst of all of this pain, come back to you, especially on his hands and knees. You've possibly broken his heart once, why on earth would he come back for more punishment, especially when so vulnerable?

If I haven't yet been obviously biased, here's where my sad viewpoint comes directly into play. Why has everyone responding just assumed this relationship was right to end, that goslinglovr should just move on, when in fact she dumped this guy and now seems to think it might have been a mistake? People make mistakes after all, but here it seems the mistake is being compounded because rules designed to help a "dumpee" (like strict no contact) are being followed by someone in a unique position (you as "dumper") to perhaps make things right. Of course, this doesn't mean you should not engage in real self-reflection and analysis of the relationship and determine why you felt the need to break up and if those reasons were valid. But what concerns me is the knee-jerk advice being given here (contrary to the more thoughtful advice I see so often on this board) to just assume it was all wrong and move on, and let this guy date his silly young thing.

I guess I just want to make sure you've considered his position and whether you've approached him and expressed these thoughts that you've made a mistake and want to get back together. Think of the possibilities. HE could be a jerk about it, in which case you'd know it really wasn't much of a mistake at all. Or he could totally want to get back together, or at least try to do so. You guys have 4 years of history together, which I don't think should be thrown away without at least some attempt to act like adults and talk it through, get couples counseling, etc. The built in assumption is that he's moved on and is fine, which is exactly how I know I look after a month of NC, quick-fix dating/gratuitous hook-ups/lots of time spent with they guys. But while it may not be the case with your guy, I can honestly say there is at least the chance that, like me, this all masks TONS of heartache and sadness, and real regret, as well as frustration that you can't risk further heartbreak by "crawling back" to the girl who did this to you in the first place.

Hope this did not sound judgmental or critical. This is a great resource, not just because of the experts chiming in, but people willing to share their stories.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2007
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 3:23pm

Heartbrokeguy, I'm

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 3:29pm

Welcome to the board heartbrokeguy,


Thanks for sharing and participating.