Why can't I get over this and move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2005
Why can't I get over this and move on?
8
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 1:19pm
I've had a long distance relationship for over a year -- we've had long conversations almost everyday on the phone and we've spent a week together here and there (when we could afford it) and he was trying to convince me to move in with him, etc. Well -- 3 weeks ago he called me up and told me he met someone else and she "could be the one". He broke my heart and I got off the phone. I then did NC for two weeks while he was tried to reach me about 5 times. Finally, he sent me an e-mail saying that it was a passing feeling and he wanted to talk to me. I gave in and talked to him for over an hour but was left with even more confusion. He said he didn’t know why he felt that way about the girl – and he also didn’t want to commit to continuing our relationship right now but he wanted to keep talking to me. Well, that was last weekend and he hasn’t called since. What? Did he get cold feet or is he just a jerk? Of course, I am obsessing like a pathetic little girl. Am I an idiot? Why can’t I let this go and move on with my life?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 1:49pm

You can't because he's being ambivalent, and it's harder to move on when you don't have a clear answer from the other person. So, you have to do the much more difficult thing of figuring out what YOU want, and taking action based on that (as opposed to reacting to him making a decision).

Do you want to be in a relationship that is so ambigous? If not, then YOU need to be the one to end it.

I've been where you are and continuing to talk is not a good idea...it's really, really painful. Let him know that if and when he makes up his mind he's 100% ready to commit and move your relationship forward, then he should contact you, but not until then. And then you need to move forward with the idea that he may never be ready.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 1:54pm

lily1600...

Pianoguy has a question for you???

If you had the choice of seeing somebody at least 2 or 3 times per week.....or hearing from somebody different (by phone) as many or more times....which would make you happier?
Do you think a few phone calls and an occasional visit are enough to sustain a long-distance relationship over several months (or years)?

While it's entirely possible that this man's interest (in the other woman)...could fade away in a few months....don't you feel the slightest bit cheated? Most women I know would like to a SOLID RELATIONSHIP with ONE man? And not have to share him with a 2nd or 3rd woman?

Am I correct here, ivillagers? Or are some of you willing to "engage in a shared relationship" just to keep ANY man in your life?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 6:25pm

After my man and I split due to age and long distance (3+ years) we tried NC which didn't work. We re connected for a week and a weekend..for me I tried to remain a part of his life whilst he had two or more flings going on where he lived...then I realized I was WORTH much more and chose not to be part of his harem of chicks.

Sure, if a man has a woman in his back yard he will choose her over the woman down the street...for me, I can see my ex every month but how can I compete nor would I want to with some chic that can go to his house any day of the week...I do NOT want to go there..DO NOT want to put myself in that terrible position of emotional suicide BUT I did contemplate it early on after the break up..finally my good old common sense took over...finally..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 9:58pm

Hey lily,

I know that you don't want to hear this and I don't know if anyone agrees with me but it kind of sounds like he's putting you on hold so if the other girl doesn't work out, he has you to fall back on. It sounds like this girl is giving him the same run around and in turn he's doing it to you. And thats not right. It's not fair to you. I'd say, if he calls don't answer. After not hearing from you he'll get curious, and what he does from there is your answer. If he really wanted you back and really cared, he'd show up to tell you in person. In the mean time, go on with your life, don't sit around waiting for him to call. I know it's easier said than done, but remember your not pathetic or an idiot. My opinion, he's a jerk and you don't need his butt. I hope this gives you some encouragement, and I hope your days and nights are better to you. Later Lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 11:04am

Hi Lily,
I have to agree with thejaded, that it sounds like he is trying to keep his options open with you and the other person. But you want to be with a man who wants you first--not as a backup. You deserve that. And you are NOT an idiot. What you're feeling is absolutely normal. But you have to decide that you want to be treated like the wonderful woman you are.

Hope you're having a better day today.
Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2005
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 12:46pm
Yes... I was thinking that it's about keeping his options open, too. Yuck -- that's so SELFISH. I know it’s really hard to have a long distance relationship. I was so proud that we had kept it up for so long and I can’t believe what an idiot he turned out to be. And cruel, too -- I never would’ve hurt him they way he hurt me. Unbelievable! I came to the conclusion yesterday that he just doesn’t want to feel responsible for being in contact with me while he’s chasing other girls. That was a good realization (instead of the usual “I suck” and “what did I do wrong?”). I really do hope that he has a wake up call someday and REALLY regrets it. I hope he will eventually feel a great sense of loss. I can't wait for the day when I feel 100% better, too. THANKS!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 12:49pm
Hey!! I'm sorry that that guy is sending you such mixed signals. and its ok to whine about it and no your not an idiot. In my opinion its always easier to give someone else an opinion about thier relationship than it is about their own. It sounds like to me he "Wants his cake and to eat it too" He has you there on the back burner just in case. Long distance relationships are hard i know. I just did one except he just told methat there were no feelings there..or to be more accurate.."The spark is gone". You'll be ok and your not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 1:10pm
Hi Lily,
Good for you on your realization! His behavior is very selfish and you deserve better!
Laura