Why Can't I just Move On ?
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| Tue, 02-01-2005 - 2:36pm |
As most of you might have read in my various posts 3 weeks ago I broke up with my ex after a 15-month ldr.
Just the day b4 we broke up my ex was saying that he wants me to be less serious as he claimed that i m so serious that he can't even have a good laugh with me after a day's work.he also told me not to be dependent and to be more relaxed on the whole.basically he just wanted me to be more like his friends.
He said that these little things frustrate him to the point that he fears he won't be able to live with me if we had to move in together. I asked him whether I will be able to change once I move to his country and be with his friends and in a new environment and he said 'yes'.
The next day I confronted him on saying that i was feeling unwelcome about coming over to his country and so we broke up as he thought that moving in together wouldn't work out and he told me that he felt guilty about all the things he said (ie me being serious etc..) and that i shouldn't change.But nonetheless he still didn't try to convince me to go and live with him.
Throughout the last 2 months of the relationship he kept telling me how difficult it would be to live in a new country whereby i will have to go out often (i don't go out more than once or twice a week usually).However,it was him that a month before urged me to go and live with him.(He lives in Paris on a temporary basis so he plans to move back to his country in the next year or 2.)
I now keep beating myself up that if I were the person he wished me to be ie.a livelier person, our relationship would have worked out.So basically I ruined it.
I cry so much almost everyday because i spoilt a relationship with a guy who was great.
What am I gonna do to get over this sadness ?

Don't beat yourself up. You are who you are, and you can't help that...and who you are is a wonderful person with a lot to offer somebody--the RIGHT guy. You know, your ex was right in saying that you shouldn't have to change. Be proud of who you are! Just because your ex doesn't want you the way you are doesn't mean that somebody else won't. It just means that he wasn't the right match for you...and somebody more perfect is waiting out there somewhere.
Stop blaming yourself. We all make mistakes and there are things that we regret. I used to blame myself for my breakup...I used to wish that I had handled things differently, or that I looked better, that I lived closer to him, etc. But I've learned to forgive myself for any mistakes I made, and have been working on building up my self-esteem. Because you know, that's really what's important--loving yourself. I am becoming much happier and secure within myself, and I feel great! :) I've realized that it doesn't matter that my ex didn't want to be with me anymore--I am still a terrific person.
So instead of bringing yourself down with all of these negative thoughts, concentrate on building up your self-esteem and doing what makes you happy. Aren't you relieved that you didn't make that move? If you had, you'd probably be in a far worse position now than you already are because you would have disrupted your entire life to be with someone who isn't right for you.
It's only been 3 weeks since your breakup occurred. Be patient--give yourself some time. My breakup happened over six months ago and I still have my nostalgic moments sometimes...but it really does get better--I promise. Until then, take care of yourself and keep your chin up! <3
"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will never find that person anywhere."
"You have to be yourself. Be very honest about who and what you are. And if people still like you, that's fine. If they don't, that's their problem."
"I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself."
Your post just made me feel so much better.Whenever I feel sad I read it again so as to remind myself that the breakup isn't my fault.
Yes, hopefully I will meet a guy who will accept me as I am.I believe that when you really love someone you accept his differences and love him for who he is.But I guess my ex wasn't able to accept me as I am as he didn't love me enough .
Thanks a lot for your great support.I really needed it !!
No problem. I'm glad I made you feel even just a little better :)
I know it's hard, but it really does get easier with time (and no-contact). Just remember that there IS a light at the end of this dark tunnel!
My ex and I were also LD, and he kept encouraging me to move to his state. I would always say that I was going to, but deep down, I never really meant it. I am so relieved that I never made that move--it wouldn't have made me any happier; instead, it would have just made things even worse. I believe that my breakup happened for a reason and that it was actually a blessing in disguise. I think that if he had been the right person for me, I wouldn't have had so many doubts...I wouldn't have been so skeptical about moving to be with him. Maybe that's how it was in your case as well.
You'll meet somebody great someday, someone who will accept you for who you are, including any flaws you may have. Until then, focus on YOURSELF. You don't need a man to be happy...you're a complete and wonderful person all on your own. Don't forget that! :)
Take care, and continue remaining strong. Be thankful that you at least don't have to see your ex in person...I know I was grateful for that, because I never had to worry about running into him, etc. Not seeing him has helped me move on in a way.
Thanks for your support.I guess you're right as people who love you love you for what you are and won't try to change you.
Hopefully some day I will find someone who will accept me as I am .
Dear Heidi,
Today I woke up feeling down again as its been exactly a month since we broke up and i also remembered other things he didn't like about me like having to ask him if i can do this or that 'for example : can we go and buy some sweets?" instead of "let's go and buy some sweets!"
He said that even though we had known each other for 15 months i still speak to him as if I have just known him ie with a lot of formality.I said that its just the way I sometimes word things and that once we're living together and seeing each other everyday I will have more confidence in him .given that we only saw each other once a month although we spoke on the phone daily.
so this thing 'stressed him out' too - to the point of being another reason for breakup I think.
What hurts most is the fact that he didn't give me a chance to live with him for a while to see how things go in the hope of me changing slightly.
I just don't know what to do .sometimes i just feel so helpless against my own self !
Thanks for listening.