Why cant I leave my horrible boyfriend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Why cant I leave my horrible boyfriend?
5
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 1:09pm
Hi. I'm new here and wasn't sure if this was the right board to post my situation/question but I need help. I have been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years and we've been living together for 8 months. I knew from the beginning he had a very ugly side but I rarely saw it and never towards me. He has been on medication for several different things like depression etc. since he was little, but has recently stopped taking them and refuses to ever take them again. He has this incredibly charming and playful side that I saw alot and fell head over heels in love with. He is also incredibly handsome.
For the past two months though his ugly side has really come out, especially towards me. I don't understand this because I am nothing but kind and giving to him. Cooking, paying for bills when he's low, never denying him sex or time with his friends. It's gotten really bad in the past two weeks. He is just an unpleasant person. No manners, no consideration for me whatsoever. He says he has fallen into a depression again and says "how can I make you happy if I'm not happy myself." I try my hardest to make him happy but he still treats me awful, says terrible things about me and his whole family who are just trying to help. He is so unpleasnt that he gets mad when I try to cheer him up by looking at the bright side of things.
I know I have to break up with him because he is really bringing me down. I am so miserable it's unreal. His mom, my friends, and coworkers all try to tell me to break it off because of how he treats me. I have tried but can never do it for more than a day. Now though we have both decided it's best for him to leave but he can't drive due to lack of registration, he lost his job and owes several people lots of money. So he definatley can't get his own place and he refuses to live back with his mother and I am getting the apartment. I guess I've been trying to get him on his feet so he can get out, but I am completely miserable around him. I guess you could say I am growing a hatred towards him. But for some reason I just can't let go. The thought of being without him saddens me deeply. I want him to change. I want him to just snap out of it. I know it's not possible but I just don't understand how someone can be so mean all the time. He says it's not me and it isn't. Why do I keep letting him walk all over me? Why can't I just kick him out without worrying about where he'll sleep? I'm too kind and he doesn;t deserve it but I can't seem to stop. I need help please!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 6:05pm

Aw hun, my heart really broke reading your post..

First of all, your boyfriend is in need of serious help. Help that you alone cannot give him. I can totally understand why you want to help him - you love him and you want to see him happy.. but until he wants to help himself I honestly think its a lost cause. Him refusing to take his medicine & everything else proves he doesn't want to do anything to improve his situation. You need to get yourself out of this situation because it is really unheatlhy for you.. Why does he refuse to live with his mom? Maybe you could talk to her (and him) about him moving back in with her and him going back to the doctor to try a new medication and getting his life on track.

I'm so sorry that you're stuck in such an awful position. You sound like such a sweet, kind, & loving person and you definitely deserve to be treated better. Best of luck and remember, we're all here if you need anything, so keep posting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 1:01pm
Lizz is right. Unless he helps himself you cant do anything for him. You love the guy and want whats best for him. But you also want whats good for you. The fact that you feel the way you do is terrible. How old is he anyways?? You honestly cant keep trying to help him. He needs to make his own decisions. The problem is that he is used to you taking care of him so now he expects it. But you made the right choice to tell him to go take a hike. He didnt care about you, to try to make himself better. Why should you care where he lives. I know Iam being harsh and all but Iam so sick and tired of men taking wonderful caring women for granted. You obviously were a great girl friend......so what the heck? Be strong you will get through this. The most you can do at this point is tell him you cant help him anymore and that to call you when he has gotten his act together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 5:20pm
Well the reason he won't move back with his mom boils down to his pride. He is only 18 right now. So I am hopeful that once he gets older he'll realize a few things and may be able to handle a relationship. Good news though his car is now registered so I won't feel as bad because I know he can sleep in his car if he wants to be a jerk. But I am having a hard time just telling him to get out right away. Every time he holds me and applogizes and says he loves me I give in. I don't know how to stop!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 6:14pm
I think the most important thing is to ask yourself if you're really truly happy..and not just when he apologizes and holds you. I know its so hard to resist that. But you obvioiusly came on here for a reason meaning you want your situation to change.. but the only way it can change is if you're strong and you stick to your decision. If you want to rough it out and be there for him and work things out, so be it. But if you don't, you need to stand strong, kick him out, and don't give in.. it'll only make it harder on yourself. Think about yourself for a change and not just about him..
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 11:20am
First of all I just wanted to say thank you for all the advice. Second of all we have decided it's best for him to move out. His mom found a cheap three bedroom so he can have roommates to share the bills. He will live there for as long as he needs to deal with his issues. We will remain together for the time being but with more space. He is going to let me keep his bed so I know he has love for me in his heart. Before he leaves though he needs to get a job but he has an interview on tuesday so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Thanks again!!