Why can't I move on
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| Fri, 04-07-2006 - 5:58am |
Hey everyone out there. Pleeeeease take time to read this i feel like im stuck in one place and im desparately trying to move on. Iv posted on these boards before about my situation but i'll give u a recap.
Basically i was in a LDR for 2 years with my boyfriend. He's in the military and im at University so we had a hectic lifestyle. Since he turned 21 in January he started acting strange and didn't treat me as he used to (im 20). He went out with his mates more, arranged a lads holiday, started taking up hobbies blah blah. One day out of the blue he said we should split up. He said he needed to be alone at this time in his life. He wanted to do things with his life and I guess as we could only see eachother at weekends our relationship coudln't work. He said he loved me, then kissed me but he just needs to do this so he "gets it out of his system" and in an "ideal world" we'd be friends and get back together in 2/3 years.
About 2 weeks after the break up he text me asking how i was.. i said i was ok but i missed him (mistake?). He said he missed me too. So yeah i got a lil confused! I phoned him bcuz i needed to get it straight. He said he still wanted to be alone but he hoped we could be really good friends. He said he doesn't expect me to wait for him bcuz if we both hoped for that and i found some1 else, it would be the most heartbreaking thing. He started crying.. so did i. He also made it clear he didnt want 2 see other people, he just wanted to be himself. Why would u want to be alone!? I told him i'd been on a few dates and i constantly thought of him, they were nothing compared to him. He was ok with that and said he expected me to see other people... i could tell it hurt him though.
Guys im just so messed up. I told him i couldn't be friends and told him not to contact me because i need to forget him. I really cant be his friend, i love him as a boyfriend not as a friend. Here's my problem, its been over a month and to be honest i still feel like it was yesterday. I cant move on. My feelings havent changed one bit, i miss him, i think about him obsessively, everyday i hope that he would call and say its ok, i wake up crying, i go to sleep crying, i cry when i think about how it used to be. This is the hardest thing iv ever had to do in my life...and im getting swamped by it.
What can I do? i feel trapped, i cant talk to him, this situation is totally out of my control. I NEED to moved on but I just cant - im trying to live without him but I JUST CANT.
Any advice... anything. would be greatly appreciated. I just need support. Thank u so much and i wish every1 else out there the best of luck with their problems... i know how hard it is :(

hi Panthera_leo,
i feel you and your situation to the fullest. i too am going through the emotions of a break up and can't with all my heart believe it's over or move on. i have experienced serious relationships before this one but this is just different...more real. i cared for my past ex's but i was willing to walk away from it because my heart told me it was not right but i can't with him. i tell myself every minute of the day it'll get better but it's not. i feel like i'm and all my friends and family are trying to find reasons for me to just move on and get over it...like i'm trying to convince myself of why we shouldn't be together just so it feels better but that doesn't because it's not what i believe. it's been about a month and half for me and it feels like it was yesterday too. i'm crying all the time, every day. i am consumed with him and the what if he doesn't come back, what if he found someone, etc. i know there are many differences btw your story and mine but one thing remains we love these guys who are confused with their love for us...this hurts...bad. here's a recap of my story:
i was until a month ago dating the best person i ever met. i had been a confident single female when he walked into my life and still am but i just can't grasp the possibility of him not in my life and i'm feeling not so confident. when i first saw him i felt an instant connection, on our first date i said this is the guy i'm going to marry. we talked about this instant connection and he said he felt the same. we dated for the last year and half and things were always a bit on the challenging side when it came to communicating with him. not that he doesn't want to it's that he is an engineer with a mind that over-anaylizes everything. we can talk and talk about a topic for hours but i'm not always sure what he's looking for. i have been through a lot of things in life (parents divorce, 5 yr breakup and more) but i don't dwell on it and he says he just wants to understand these things. he's great and really does want to know but it's like my views are never good enough. he states all the time how much i mean to him and he means the world to me. on a day-to-day bases we communicate very well. every other aspect of "us" is great. i still get butterflies when we see each other, our chemistry, sex life, intellectual, experinces are all great. we are both so nice to each other. well about a month ago now he says that he just doesn't know what he wants. he won't tell me it's over just that he needs time. we started out talking here and there but with all the confusion we just kept spinning circles. i said if you have nothing left in you for us to work just tell me and i will be done but he can't say that but he also can't say he wants us. i don't know what to do...this has blindsided me. he said he needs a month of no communication so we can distanc eourself from the spinning...it's been 2 weeks into it and it's killing me. i believe in "us" and know that we can work through these select things but i'm hurting so bad without him in my life. i've talked to his bestfriend and he said joe at 33 is afraid. he also said i was the best thing that has happened to joe. why can't joe see this? why is he so afraid when what we have is special? he even said what we have is special and that he has thought about spending the rest of his life with me but now he's being so distant. i'm so confused...if he loved me why would he be doing this? my heart tells me to not give up.
Panthera_leo,
i feel one shouldn't give up if they don't want to but i think we need to make sure to take care of ourself first and formost during this time. our "guys" seem to be thinking of themself so we should too. also if our "guys" see us so emotional and weak it might turn them off...they most likely fell for our strong, confidence when they first met us...i would no matter how hard it is when you talk to him give off a confident women who yes misses him but is taking care of herself.
Hey Scarlett. Im sorry to hear ur going through a rough time too :( I can totally understand where your coming from. Like you, i just feel like my heart wont let go of him, although im desparately trying. Iv been in relationships before and iv had the strength to walk away and not let is phase me as such. However, this one is totally different. Im thinking maybe its a sign that I shouldn't let him go...not just yet anyway and i think its the same for you. I think maybe we're forcing ourselves to let it go... and we should let them go naturally (if it ever will happen!)
Your situation is different. However, mine started out similar to yours. At first he wanted a "break" just time apart when we didn't communicate. I lasted a few days! i couldn't deal with not knowing where i stood. So i had to set it straight and he then said it was best we broke up. Men and women are so different, i think maybe they need to be sure that we're right for them and by finding that out they need to be separated. Women on the other hand, know this from within. We just deal with it differently.
You said "if he loved me he wouldn't do this". No, its actually. He's doing this because he loves you. He knows that if he stays around his confusion will only create tension between the 2 of you and that would send the relationship into a downward spiral. I believe my guy left because he didn't want to "kill" our relationship so we had a chance for reconciliation in the future.
Your totally right about them being selfish. They are being selfish... but they're doing whats best for the relationship at the moment. I think your right, we need to be strong and hold our heads up high. If i could give one peice of advice it would be to assume the worst. Then you have nothing to lose and you can look after yourself. I told my guy that i'd always love him. Now im letting him go.If its meant to be, he'll come back but it will be him who finds me... not vice versa.
I hope you cheer up soon... its the worst feeling in the world, but just know that there are other people out there feeling the same. Your not alone!
heya there
i felt alot of empathy when i read ur post, more so then with other posts, mainly becos i can see many parallels with mine. With mine, i was at uni and so was he. We broke up becos he couldnt deal with the fact i was in his life so rarely. Maybe thats also the case for your guy. Men pride themselves on being very strong but rele arnt. Me and my ex broke up a few times before he could actually tell me that it was the distance that caused him the problems. Men just dont want to admit weakness!
you just need to give your guy time, u seem like a nice, sensible person and im sure ur stronger then u think :)
i undserstand that you dont want him to see other people, i would hate my ex to get with someone else. the thought makes me sick and from what uve said, he feels the same way. He obv has rele deep feelings for you- he cried and he doesnt want you to get with anyone else (exactly the same as my ex). I hate to say it, but there is hope. Maybe its cos my situation is so similar to yours i hope that they will both work out well :)
Ive been an absolute mess since we broke up, but im ok right now (i think its cos ive been busy and ive got other focuses) but i feel like im waiting for the day when ill cry again like i have been the last couple of weeks. Right now i feel like i cant cry- no more tears! too much crying already! :p I think whats helping me atm is mainly a book. Im sure uve heard about 'men are from mars, women are from venus.' Its a rele good book if u havnt read it and it has made me understand things from my exs point of view..it has rele helped me.
I think deep down im hoping hell come back. I think im starting to realise he wont...or maybe he will..im so messed up!
About being friends, after we broke up my ex kept calling me asking if we could be friends...i got many many missed calls and he often turned up randomly at my house. I just avoided him. It hurt too much. One night i picked up the fone and we spoke. I spent the next day with him. The next day i felt awful- i realised how much i missed him. To be honest, when people say they are able to be friends with their ex i cant rele understand it, or feel slightly jealous. I said id give friendship with my ex a go, but to be honest i think ill find it too hard at some point. I think if u stay in each others lives u will be given false hope and it will take ages to move on. If u decide to do this then leave things nicely- send a lovely email saying how much u love him (that you love him too much to be freinds) but that u need to move on. He'll be like..wow..thats the person i feel in love with, and in the very least, hell rele repect you for ur nice email
In the book it has said that 'men need to go to their caves' ie..they need time to think. Give him time. He needs to go away and work out how he can deal with the situation and work out what he wants. As women, we just want to talk it all out. Men cant do that. Leave him to ruminate for a bit :)
The book also explains how men are like rubber bands...they need to be able to move away to be able to get close. Every so often men need to move away becos things get a bit much for them. If u give him time to move away, hopefully hell come bouncing back.lol..i know this book well already!
i dont know if anything i said has been helpful,
all i can say is i rele feel for you, your post has been rele similar to mine
*hug*
leme know how ur doing n if anything happens
i've been coming on this message board for the last few weeks because i just needed to vent to people other than the ones in my life and i really think it's helped. reading what everyone has to say and seeing what everyone else is going through just makes you feel not so alone.
i think there are so many different ways to analyze situations...one person might rationalize one way and another might in a completely different way. i'm finding this to be the hard part...what do you believe in then if something can be justified in so many differnt ways? do you follow your heart? if you follow your heart but someone broke/is breaking it then can you fully trust your heart at that point? i'm so confused.
panthera_leo, i appreciate all your words. i know you are hurting in such a similar way so you understand my emotions. i really hope all works out for you and your guy. i am a firm believer that good things happen to good people. keep believing in what you have to offer. i hope you keep posting too because i'd like to hear how things turn out for you. hope you had a good weekend.
k. scarlett
hey scarlett and gawd. Its so weird how we're all in the same situation. Well, actually im guessing there are alot of people out there who feel like us! Doesn't feel like it though. Gawd what u said did really help me, its put things in a slightly different perspective. Maybe he "needs" this time apart to appreciate what we had. Im really confused tho, he sends me mixed signals, for example, the last time i spoke to him (like 2 weeks ago) he said you definately do realise what u'v got when its gone - yet he also said he'll always be a good friend to me. Whats he talking about!? grrrrrrr :/ maybe he's confused!
Scarlett i agree with you. Talking on these boards does really help, it just makes me feel happier to think im not alone in this. I hope you both keep posting too, keep me updated on everything! I think at the moment you need to take things slowly and not try to "analyse" the situation. I think thats why im down so much - i think too deeply about things, when really we should just think that it happened and thats that... we cant turn back the clock, we have no control so we have to get on with life! Easier said than done :/ But most important of all, we need to accept that its over - it may come back in time, it may not, but right now its over. Get through today, dont worry about tomorrow yet.
Let me know how your both getting on. I hope everything gets better :) keep smiling!
heya
hmmmm..about what he said. Its difficult to say, yeah, he probably is confused, what ur prob hearing is the innermost confusion of his mind just out loud. Hes obv having differences between whats happeneing in his mind and what his heart is telling him. Hes just working through stuff- its a good sign. However, u are doing the same as me, just kinda waiting for ur man to work himself out and not rele getting on with ur life. Just put thoughts of him to one side (as much as is possible!) and get on with ur life. If he does decide he wants you back then deal with that if/when it happens. Try not to think ahead. I think with my ex, i feel like im waiting for the day until he comes crying back. But im trying not to think of that.
have u had ne contact recently?
Im doing good atm. Think im just blocking tsuff out tbh and not rele dealing with it, but ill survive :) went on holiday for a week and it was rele good to get away..got quite alot of male attention too, which wasnt the same obv but was flattering. Cud u take a break? go away with someone? i think perspective has done me alot of good :)
With my ex, im not going to get in contact. Im too proud.lol.. mayb its cos i think hell come crawling back but maybe not,...i dunno. Just before i went away i slept with my ex..BIG MISTAKE...eveything came flooding back and i wanted answers. Sometimes (espc with ur and my situation) i dont think the men have them themselves!! I now know, from that mistake, that he and i need time to think- he cried and i just felt empty (i dont know why!!). I know hell want me back but its just a question of how long it takes him to deal with stuff...me, i dunno.. i want him back but i cant see it working. For the first time i can see the relationship for what it was- loving but ultimately faulted.
ah sorry, i just rambled..and i was supposed to be helping you! i dunno, i just think if u remain NC then things will def get better
keep us posted :)
Panthera_leo,
While reading your message i felt as if i had written it. I am going through the same situation as you are. Me and my bf had been together for 10 months, i felt things were going really well. Days before the break up he had even asked that i never leave him. Supposedly he loved me like he had never loved before. Before me he had been single for a little over a year and prior to that he had been a bad relationship for 4 years. I thought that would affect us but he said he was over the "messing around" and really loved me. But turns out he broke up with me in december. In january, it would have been our 1 year anniv and also his 21st b-day. He told me that he broke up with me because we were having alot of arguments, minor arguments, that i thought could be fixed because they were not serious. He would still tell me that he loved me though. Then 2 months later he said that he realized he wanted to be "alone" and that he didnt want to be in a relationship. I didnt really understand why the sudden change and to be completely honest sometimes i still get frustrated. We had a great relationship, his parents and friends LOVEd me and him and i got along so well, we never disrespected eachother. So i didnt get WHY would he do this to me, to us! Friends would tell me that he just wanted to go out and be single but i refused to believe it because that's not what i knew him as! But 4 months later, im still here, loving him and missing him. BUT i did learn to see things for what they are. A guy i know told me that he broke up with his girlfriend because he wanted to see what else was out there, he needed his space. I realized that is what my bf wanted also. He wants to be able to know he can have me when he wants, and not committ. For 3 months i made the mistake of sticking by his side. Waiting around for him and he knew it! I would get so frustrated because he still wasnt coming back! But how could he come back and realize he misses me if i have never left?? If im not gone!?! SO you need to think about urself first. Because i was making everything so easy for him. I was allowing him to be "single" yet he knew that he had something safe to fall back on. But what about me? WHat if he never returned and i still waited? I would get hurt even more.
So now i can say that i have started to let go of things a bit. I dont txt him i dont call him. He has tried calling me these past two days but i havent picked up. He has also txted me and im not gonna lie and say i havent txted him back but i do take my time and i make them very short and straight to the point. I make myself sound busy. I dint want to do this because i felt i didnt want to play games with him. I felt like talking to him so why should i ignore him? Well because they play games also. They are trying to have their cake and eat it too. He gets bothered if i talk to a guy or if he sees me dancing (he saw me at rosarito dancing with a guy, but when i walked in he was dancing too but he stopped, and when he saw me he was so angry he told me all kings of things).
Its obvious that these guys still care for us. Your bf still cares for you. But like u said he just turned 21. He feels like he needs to enjoy this time and doesnt need anything or anyone holding him back, it hurts yeah, but its the truth. Im 19 and he's 21 and this is what ive seen. Because he was right away going to bars with his friends. Im not saying he is messing with girls but he is definetely going out and dancing. If they havent put their lifes on hold, then why should we? Just because they are the ones who wanted the break up? If anything it should be the other way around! I know that you're not going to feel lke meeting new people and at the end of the night you are going to go home wishing you were with him but it will begin to help. You need to keep your self busy. At first you're going to have to start pretending you're having fun but then little by little you're going to be surprised knowing u are. Although this doesnt mean you're not going to miss him, atleast you'll be exposing your selfs to other possibilities. Dont force your self into anything. Take your time. I promise that the going at night crying and waking up crying and thinking about him 24/7 will decrease. It really has for me. It hasnt stopped completely, i still have my down days but it does decrease! I know that you feel you need to move on right now but as good as that would be, it's really impossible.
If you guys had such a great relationship and you were good to him, he WILL come back. I cant tell you in how long though, because it all varies but he will. Maybe when he does you wont want him back anymore but he will. They can only party for so long and be 21 before they get tired of it. It hurts them too, but they are just VERY selffish about the whole thing. Dont sit around though, trust me.
I found this online one day because i needed something to keep me sane and keep me going. I would read this everytime i was down and try to remember it. Find where you fall under. And remember whatever you do just keep moving forward. Try to hide things around u that remind u of him. Like pictures and things like that. Its the first step. If u need ANYTHING or wanna talk just e-mail me. SOmetimes it helps when u go through it w someone else, my friend and i are both in the same situation and we really pick one another up when we tend to fall.
some other common reasons why an otherwise good thing suddenly ends. Pay attention, the list is short:
1.The other person gets scared. Unable to deal with the depth of their feelings, people who get scared often bolt from a good thing rather than wait around for it to turn sour. These people have either never been in love or have been in love and been badly hurt. Either way when a person bolts in fear they are like a wild animal; running on adrenaline, rushing as far away as possible in search of safety, and totally focused on the goal of not getting hurt. How do you fix it? Don’t give chase because this will only fuel the fight or flight instinct that has taken control. Instead be patient, urge them to the safety of you by acting reassuring at all times, by never smothering them, but by also making it clear that you aren’t going to leave them no matter what. If they broke things off because they were scared you will quickly know because your reassurances and non-threatening demeanor will bring them back to you. If they still resist despite all your kind gestures than this is not why they broke up with you and you need to let go.
2.The other person is dealing with his or her own personal crisis/issues that have little or nothing to do with you. If this is the case you will likely hear something along the lines of “let’s stay friends” or “It’s not you, it’s me.” Yes, these are standard cowards lines out of a relationship so identifying them properly can be tricky at first but it quickly becomes clear that these sentiments were sincere and therefore likely to be true as time passes. How? If your ex really does try to stay friends or if s/he continues to confide in you chances are good that the real reason behind the break up has more to do with bad timing than lack of chemistry between the two of you. If this is the case the only thing you can do is relax and wait it out. Here is a time when the old cliché “if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it’s yours forever if it doesn’t it never was” has a ring of truth. If your happy relationship was cut short by fate all you can do is hope that fate will again intervene and that when it does the outcome will be more favorable. Nothing is ever over, and time really does heal all love-wounds. So take a deep breath, close your eyes and let go, oh yeah, and remember the future can bring anything!
3.The other person just doesn’t feel for you the way you thought s/he did. OK, insensitivity/selfishness aside it is possible that you can be so caught up in your own heartfelt joy at being in love that you fail to see your feelings are not returned. It happens and it doesn’t make you a bad or naïve person. You fell in love, the love was not returned the same way, things ended. No big deal. Life goes on, you live and learn, from the lost comes the found, yada yada yada. Basically this is just one of those cruel ironies of life and it happens to everyone. Suck it up and let things go. It is the only way.
4.The other person is a jerk and you were too love-struck to see it. This is the reason for your break up if ANY or all of the following are a factor: cheating, abuse, pressure to do something you don’t want to do (like sex or drugs), or cruelty. If any of these things factored in to your break up in any way there are two things you must realize and accept - you are better off without this loser in your life and you weren’t really happy anyway no matter how much you think you were - ‘nuff said.
i like and agree completely with all your words of wisdom. what you wrote makes complete sense and the more time away and spent on taking care of yourself makes these words easier to swallow. in the BIG picture we will all make it out of a relationship okay but we have to allow ourself to come first...we NEED to take care of ourself. we can't stop what has happened but we can take and learn. life is short so don't waste your time morning for to long...in every experience there is something to learn.
if you are trying to give space to someone keep this analogy in mind: if you want to feed a baby deer by hand you wouldn't run after him/her for him/her to feel safe you would stop and let him/her come to you. this has helped me to back off and let him go.