Why can't I move on???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2005
Why can't I move on???
5
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 4:08pm

I will apologize in advance for the novel. I know it is a long read, but hopefully someone out there will take the time and respond.

I have been surfing the breakup section ivillage for a few weeks now hoping it would give me some insight/ hope/ ideas/ suggestions to get over my ex. It has helped some, but I’m still in a slump, so decided to turn to the msg boards for help.

The background info:
My ex and I dated for 4 years. 8 months into the relationship I found out he was cheating on me with his neighbor. Absolutely devastated, I quit my job the next day, packed up and moved. I was away for 4 months, but it was only 2 weeks after I left he started calling again. He flew to see me every other weekend, spent 2 full weeks with me and sent lots of flowers. He convinced me to move back. I did and the turmoil just began. Obviously I had SEVERE trust issues with him. He couldn’t even breathe without me asking 20 questions. About a year had past and I had finally had enough with the insecurities and how I couldn’t trust. I went to see a “shrink” and it was the best thing I ever did. Apparently I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (the event of him cheating was so traumatic to me, my mind wouldn’t let itself process it normally). I learned to trust again and found faith in him again. We began working on “us” or so I thought. Our families (and myself to a small degree) started pushing an engagement. After all it had been 3-years and we overcame a lot. He would tell me he sees me in his life, wants to marry me, loves me, etc. My lease was coming up so I made the suggestion we move in together. He was a little reluctant, but still went for the idea. I told him if I was doing this, I expect to be engaged within 6 months. At the 8th month, I was moving out. He had asked my dad for my hand, set 2 dates to propose, and (apparently) bought a ring. The dates came and went so my family decided to tell me what was going on. They didn’t think he would ever commit. My heart was breaking, but I knew what I needed to do. I confronted him and he told me that he “loves me but just isn’t in love with me, but really does care about me.” What a blow to the heart!! Needless to say, I packed up and moved out by weeks end.

The sort of present:
Even though I moved out (April ’04) we still kept in contact even to the point that we were “unofficially” dating again (if there is such a thing). Around July he had this epiphany (or so he said) and was begging to get back with me. Saying all the right things, doing all the right things. For once his actions and words aligned. That lasted all of a month. We had planned a trip to Alaska for Sept and I told him that if after the trip he can’t give me 100% of himself, then I need him to leave me alone forever. After the trip, you guessed it, he couldn’t/wouldn’t give me his all, so I told him it had to be over. That was October. We talked a few times a week (we happen to work in the same office bldg) until December when I finally had enough. He spent all of December and January drunk at the bar and I would hear from him usually at 3am. One call would be professing his love, the next would be “I hate you.”

To get the best advice from these boards I have to be honest. I would initiate some of this contact (during normal hours). I would find myself thinking throughout the day and call him to meet me in our lobby to chat. Or I would find some lame excuse to have to email him. For some reason even though I said it had to be over, I too couldn’t bring myself to act like it was over.

When people began to realize our roller coaster ride has ended (we were constantly on and off) they started telling me things that he did while we were dating. A few saw him out on dates, others would see him at the bar and he would tell them not to tell me they saw him, he even had the audacity to date an acquaintance of mine. He would leave my apt at 10pm, call me to say he got home okay and then meet someone out at the local bar. He was good… he would fwd his home phone to his cell so caller ID would show he was home. Apparently when he was telling me he wanted to work it out and how much he loves me, he was turning his back and telling other people we are so over.

The problem:
In March of this year I was out with some friends and ran into him. He was with this new girl (of whom I met when we were dating—she is an ex-girlfriend of one of his co-worker and drinking buddy). She is pretty and a doctor and drives a nice car and lives in a nice house. Insanity begun and I completely lost it! There was a scene made (I can go into detail if you wish on another msg). Deep depression kicked in! I feel like we just broke up all over again!! I called out sick the next day at work and while at home wallowing in my sorrows I called him. We talked for about 2 hours. Of course I was balling my eyes out the entire time. He was saying that he had no choice but to move on because I didn’t want him. He said he learned so much from me and that he plans on treating her like he should have treated me. OUCH!!! I began calling him and emailing him. I would drive-by his place, her place the bars or any other place he might be. I was literally making myself insane. One day I saw him at our office bldg and I demanded we talk. He yelled at me told me he absolutely hated me and that he is so happy with this new girl. He stopped taking my calls and hasn’t returned any emails. During a brief sane moment, I took it upon myself to go back to a therapist. Yet again, best thing I did. I’m no longer doing nutty drive by’s or constantly calling him or emailing him.

However, I can’t seem to get over him. He is a constant thought. Why isn't he thinking of me as much as I think about him? How can he be dating someone and be happy so soon? Yeah, we broke up in Dec. but we talked until Feb!! No, I don't know if they are happy but my mind lets me believe they are and people see them out in public and he is affectionate with her (something he wasn't with me). I’m obsessed with the thoughts of him and her, what are they doing, what did she get him for his birthday, is he taking her out to nice dinners, is she buying him gifts, and on and on and on.

BUT, the real problem is that I don’t even want this guy back in my life. We weren’t good together. He really didn’t make me that happy and I definitely didn’t like the person I became. He constantly lied to me, manipulated me, and deceived me. I keep trying to tell myself, let the new girl have him. If they last all it means is that she is willing to put up with the crap I wouldn’t. But then I think, what if he really did change? What if he really is the man I wanted/needed him to be? I know, a leopard doesn’t change its spots, but some people can change if they want to. Personally I know in my heart of hearts that he has way too much to change about him.

So why can’t I get past the fact that we are done? Why does it bother me so bad that he has moved on and I haven’t? Why am I so afraid he will be someone I wanted? How do I get these thoughts of him in my head to stop? I’m the one that broke it off, why can’t I let go?
I am not unattractive and know I can find another guy. So why am I hanging on to this one?

**yes, all of this is being discussed with my therapist, but that is a process and I only meet him once a week. I was hoping maybe someone else could relate and give feedback to get through the daily grind. **

Thanks in advance!
gal_sam1

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 4:33pm

The simple answer is, you can't move on because you've had quite a bit of contact with him until recently.

It takes three things to get over someone: time, no contact, and acceptance that it's over and that the two of you aren't right for each other. You *have* to have all three; time alone won't do it.

I hate to say it, but since you were in contact, you're really starting from scratch as of March. With such a long r'ship, you need to give yourself time to get over it. It's probably going to take a good year of no contact to move on completely. BUT, it gets better gradually as time goes on (by which I mean, it's not like you feel THIS bad for a year, then all better the next day!).

Rather than focusing on HER and their "happiness", you need to focus on the fact that HE IS NOT RIGHT FOR YOU. Every time you think about him, her or them, stop yourself, and substitute a thought along the lines of, "we're simply not right for each other; I accept that and am moving on".

Here's a link to a post about thought-stopping that has a couple other good suggestions as well (the index cards would be a good idea for you as well):

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmendingbro&msg=9612.1

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 10:26pm
Why can't you get over him?
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 2:47pm

Girl,
You need to start thinking about your self and only your self.... i just had my heart broken by the guy i went out with for almost 9 yrs (wooow it hurts). Fortunetly i have found a friend who just got through the same situation and is now helping me. One of the things he's told me is that no matter who much you try to move on, this will take a long time to do. It will not happen overnight, in a month or even two months. It will take longer that we can emagine. This guy is not worhty of you. If you've tryed it 3 times already and he's not changing, then believe me as much as it hurts he's never going to change. There's someone out here that deserves you more than this guy and that will appreciate you for whom you are. Another thing is that you need to CUT OFF all contact with him, (i know this is the hardst thing to do, don't i know) but you will be able to move on and find that person to value you and give you what you need from them. I have the same thoughts and wanders you do, eventhough this is the first time in the nine years we have broken up. I'm going trough hell righ now too, but having someone to help me go trough this is the best thing. Try to keep your self bussy go out with friends, work out, cry, screem let all those feelings out and you will get through this. YOU WILL WIN!!

Hope this helps at least a little. I'm sufering too and this is my way of venting and keeping my mind off that person who broke my heart. This is also the first time i do this. So hope this will help you.

you will win.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 8:04pm
wow...9 years...my thoughts are with you
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2005
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 9:35am

Thank you so much for the post. You have no idea how I needed the pick me up this morning. I can not imagine 9 years! I guess it is good that this is the 1st time you broke up and didn't suffer 9 years of a rollercoaster. Regardless, it hurts all the same. I have started doing things for myself and it has helped a little, but I still think way too much. Amazing how powerful the mind can be! Funny thing is my friends keep telling me that I'm convincing myself he is this great guy now, when in reality he hasn't changed at all. I hope they are right and in due time I find out he is still a jerk. It kills me to know he is with someone else, someone so successful. It is this reason I don't think he will lose her...kind of a social status thing to say he is "dating a doctor." I know, I know, why am I concerned?? (if I can just get past him having someone else in his life, I think I may be able to move on...but..how do I get there--ugghh!) I agree with Heidi's response (although I don't think I'm letting myself be fully convinced) it is the age old "want what we can't have" dilemma.

I guess that is why I'm on this board... hopefully someone can give me some insight... or at least do what you and the others who have responded to my posted have done... support me. I can't thank you all enough!