Why can't we be friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Why can't we be friends?
13
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 8:55pm
I'm unsure right now about what I should do. I recently told my boyfriend of one year and a couple of months that I wanted some space and if we could be friends for now. We had this discussion on a Friday and he seemed to understand. I just explained to him that being "just friends" did not mean that we continued to talk to each other twice a day, everyday like nothing had changed. I just wanted him to back off a little. We even spoke for a good half hour like friends would after we had "the talk." I didn't talk to him the rest of the weekend. I called to say hi on Monday and on his voicemail was a song by Justin Timberlake, I think it's called "What goes around comes around." I was really surprised and I felt like it was very immature, considering I never did anything wrong to him, unless you call being honest about my feelings are wrong. I called him on it and now he's sent me several emails apologizing and about 10 text messages in one night and I feel like he's being a little obsessive instead of just being cool about the whole thing and going with the flow. Maybe if he would give me some room to breathe I might come around, but now I feel like he's acting a little unstable. It's like he doesn't get it? What should I do? I don't want to be hurtful, but at the same time I don't want him to continue be disillusional about the situation.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 3:02am

Hi JaneyGirl,

I don't think you can be friends at this point. You have to put yourself in his shoes, he's hurting right now and rightly so. Every time you check in, even if you have the best intentions, you are just pulling on his heart strings. And yes, his message may have been immature, but in those moment after we've been dumped, we tend to do things that are immature. As for him being obsessive, when you called him on it, it's as if you pulled those strings a little further and he just wants to regain a little bit of it back, have some hope that he didn't mess things up further. You were honest with him, and you don't want to hurt him, two things that I commend you for but then at this point just let him be. Figure things out for yourself without him, and let him do the same. At some point in a couple of months, you can then try and be friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 10:54am

I think you really need to look at your own conflicted ambivalent behaviors and ask yourself "What am I afraid of?"

Being friends with someone who you're ambivalent about is a very toxic combination. It will only end up in you torturing this poor guy by creating false hopes while you selfishly try to figure yourself out. It's not fair to him and it's certainly not being honest with yourself.

You need to realize that this panic has no basis, it's internal. You're talking about feeling stifled.

Do him a favour and do the right thing. Explain your situation, break it off and leave through the front door and do no start contacting him so that he can heel and you can determine what it is you want.

The classic pursuit/panic dynamic is to pull away just when things start to get serious or more intense. Then when you're away and the "pressure" is off, from a safe distance you forget your fears and start to feel lonely, then you reach out to him again because you know he's conditioned to wait for you. It's wrong, it's unhealthy and you need to understand that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 12:12pm

goddess_janeygirl..

Pianoguy has said this on several of the other LOVE & SEX message boards, but for the benefit of the newbies....here comes the INSTANT REPLAY:

Dissolving any relationship and seguing into "just friendship" is damn near impossible! You need to give yourself TIME ENOUGH to wash the "we were in a relationship together" out of your brain! Distance and no communication will speed the process along, but the time frame varies with each of us!

You'll continue to receive text messages, emails, phone calls, snail mails, etc. from your boyfriend...but what you need to ask yourself is: "DO I WANT TO RESURRECT A RELATIONSHIP THAT WAS SIMILAR TO WHAT WE HAD BEFORE?" Or "GIVE US EACH ADEQUATE TIME AND SPACE TO CLEARLY CONSIDER WHAT EACH OF US NEEDS IN OUR LIVES...AND EVENUTALLY WILL HAVE?"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 3:39pm

As much as you probably don't want to hear this, I think that taking a break might just be prolonging the inevitable. You can't be just friend right now - unless you've broken up already.

I think you need to decide if you want to stay and work through your issues with him, or let him go. Putting him in limbo - saying you're taking a break - is unfair. If you love him, try to work it out. If you don't, then you should be kind and unselfish and just let him go.

Know this though... it is IMPOSSIBLE to be a good friend immediately after a breakup unless it's a mutual decision where you both look at each other and say - we're really just friends. That's probably rare.

But I can tell you from my experience that my ex is my best friend - but I can't be his friend right now. I'm still in that limbo, and I feel that his asking me to be just his friend is unfair. For me to agree is equally as unfair.

But... that's because I'm still in love with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 7:05pm
I really agree w/you now that I've had a few days to think about it. I told him that we were breaking up, not taking a break and I made that very clear, but I think since I told him I still wanted us to be friends, he thinks there's still hope, which I'm not sure that's really my fault he wants to hold on. What I don't understand is why can't you say "Let's be friends?" when you break up with someone. Would it be better if I had told him I never wanted to talk to him again?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 7:07pm
This is the best advice I've heard (that also doesn't make me feel like a jerk). Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 7:13pm
Ummm, unless you know me or him, I think a lot of what you said is totally way off. I did break it off, but I broke off with the hopes that he would view me as a friend instead of an enemy. I do think you're right I need to give him some space so he can get used to the idea of the relationship being over, but he should handle it like a mature adult and not a stalker. I don't agree that I'm going to miss him enough to want to come back. I think a lot of what you said was really judgmental, it's really not fair for you to attack my character, especially based off of what little bit I wrote about my relationship in a message. I really was looking for some genuine advice on how to best handle this...not to be attacked. But anyway...thanks for your advice...I guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 7:15pm
Thanks! That made a lot of sense to me
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 7:48pm

Hi,

You asked for views. Your situation is not unique. The trap of friendship is a sign of a kind of ambivalence that allows you access to him but denies him the relationship he seeks. It's unfair to him and emotionally dishonest of you. If you don't want a relationship then a friendship is not possible at this time because he wants more and you don't. By definition that's an unequal relationship and will have him pining or 'stalking'. You may not miss him...but by the sounds of it, he will certainly miss you and a friendship at this point gives him false hope while allowing you the freedom to find someone else.

I'm still recovering from a similar situation where my ex gf was my "friend" and even though we spent time together, talked, had nicknames and the same breezy intimacy leading me to believe we were heading in a new direction, 4 weeks ago my "friend" suddenly told me that she had jumped into another "serious" relationship and they both "wanted the same things". I'm crushed and coping. I hate her right now. She's not my "friend".

That's where this "friendship trap" leads....

No need to be defensive take the information to heart. But if you don't want honest views or if you only want views that support your position, then it's probably not a good idea to post here. Talk to people who will tell you what you want to hear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 10:00pm
Excellent post walawala!

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