Why can't we be friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Why can't we be friends?
13
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 8:55pm
I'm unsure right now about what I should do. I recently told my boyfriend of one year and a couple of months that I wanted some space and if we could be friends for now. We had this discussion on a Friday and he seemed to understand. I just explained to him that being "just friends" did not mean that we continued to talk to each other twice a day, everyday like nothing had changed. I just wanted him to back off a little. We even spoke for a good half hour like friends would after we had "the talk." I didn't talk to him the rest of the weekend. I called to say hi on Monday and on his voicemail was a song by Justin Timberlake, I think it's called "What goes around comes around." I was really surprised and I felt like it was very immature, considering I never did anything wrong to him, unless you call being honest about my feelings are wrong. I called him on it and now he's sent me several emails apologizing and about 10 text messages in one night and I feel like he's being a little obsessive instead of just being cool about the whole thing and going with the flow. Maybe if he would give me some room to breathe I might come around, but now I feel like he's acting a little unstable. It's like he doesn't get it? What should I do? I don't want to be hurtful, but at the same time I don't want him to continue be disillusional about the situation.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:06pm

My thinking on the whole staying friends thing is this...

My ex... the recent one... is my best friend. I absolutely adore the man, and I can't imagine one day of my life without knowing that he's out there. However, here's the line that I have had to draw after my therapist pointed out a very important question:

If you were to look at him tomorrow and tell him that you had just met the most wonderful man in the world, and that you want to marry this new guy...

would he be able to be truly happy for you. And, I mean would he with all of his heart feel happy and not just tell you that he is?

I'll be that the answer is no. That's not to say that after NC for a while you cannot get to that point, because my ex-husband and I get along very well now - we will never be together because we are not the same people and our lives really are TOTALLY different - but I trust him enough to talk to him when I'm having problems in a relationship, and he trusts me. I call him my friend, because he IS my friend. But, it took us 6 years to get there.

If you really want this to be over, you have to do NC. Even if it's over for you only. Because it only takes one person not wanting to be in a relationship for it to break. remember that.

There's nothing wrong with just being friends, if you can both honestly and openly be there as friends to support each other through WHATEVER comes along. Until you are at that point - you can't be friends.

Just my .02

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 1:46pm
Hi! Actually, your response this time seemed a lot less mean spirited. I'm sorry that you're going through that. Hearing it from your perspective is valuable, but sometimes it's not what you say it's how you say it. Anyway, I'm not sure how she is in comparison to me, but I haven't been calling him and trying to hold long conversations or pretending like it's no big deal we're "just friends" now. We've spoken only briefly since I told him I wanted to split. I'm smart enough to know that we can't speak on a daily basis like nothing's changed and expect him to just think of me as a friend. I didn't leave the relationship just because I was tired of it, but we have a lot of issues and different views on things and I just don't think they make for a happily ever after. We're both Christians, but I was raised Baptist and he Seventh-Day Adventist and although I tried to convert to his denomination, I've been very conflicted about it since the start and I've decided to go back to my roots. I haven't told him that because he's made it pretty clear to me several times that if I'm not willing to worship God the same way he does, then we can't be together, so since I already made my decision I figured I should break it off because I know how he feels. If it's not enough for me to be a Christian just like him then we shouldn't be together. I'm willing to be tolerant of him, but not him of me and that's all I need to know to know we don't belong together. Also, he's shown that he is very financially irresponsible and he's almost 30 and just moved back home with his Mom, has no car and has a seven year old son and since we've been together I've been pretty much fitting the bill in taking care of him. I'm tired of being more a mother to someone then a girlfriend, and I know I can't blame him for it, I should've been wiser in picking a mate...but shoulda, woulda, coulda right? Now that realty is here, people get hurt. I just don't think we have the same goals and values and in the long run that can make for a very unhappy marriage, and he's been pushing me to marry him since very early in the relationship. I think I'm doing the smart thing and the best thing for both of us and I wish I had foresight earlier, but my friends tell me that I need to remember not everyone can easilly emotionally detach from a situation like I can (and believe me, I know I need to do some soul searching and figure out why I do that), so I'm trying to be sensitive by giving him the space he needs to get used to this and not mislead him like your ex did you. You're right, you guys don't have a real friendship because you weren't ready to move on, but eventually you've got to let go of being angry with her. Just because she didn't want to be with you doesn't mean you can't be happy or that she doesn't have the right to be happy with someone else. She may seem selfish to you, but she's got a right to move on and probably believes you when you're pretending to be just her friend. Maybe you should be honest and tell her you don't really want her in your life in that capacity and if that's how it has to be you'd rather not have anything to do with it. There's always two sides Wala, you can't act like you're being victimized when you keep coming back for more. Really you disillusioned yourself and eventually you have to take responsibility for the pain you're feeling. Anyway, I hope my unsolicited advice doesn't upset you. I really do hope you feel better and find someone who will make you happy again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 6:13pm

Thanks,

A complete disconnect is best for both people.

In my case, my ex told me 5 weeks ago that she wasn't going to our dance club because she had a new "serious" bf and wanted to spend more time with him because they "Want the same things."

Now suddenly this past week right after I've stopped emailing her and ignore her at the gym she came out to our dance club on Tuesday...and also on Saturday night.

She's also written twice this week...forwarding flyers for a concert related to our club.

Just so you understand what this kind of thing would do for your ex....firstly, I'm extremely upset. Why is she suddenly coming out? Why is she trying to get my attention with reminders about activities we both used to enjoy? There's also a manipulative little note attached "You don't have to ignore me, am I not worth seeing?"

She doesn't get it. I'm extremely upset, she's moved on. There's a clear disconnect and mismatch.

She either 1) doesn't understand how I feel 2) cares only about how she feels and thinks I'm "mean" by ignoring her either way, her motivations are certainly not centred around "friendship".

So when I write to posters like you and others asking about NO CONTACT it's important to understand the impact YOUR behaviour can have on your ex-partner.

Regarding your last part about taking responsibility for my own feelings. Read all my posts. You'll see that I certainly have and I certainly accept it's OVER. But that acceptance is difficult.

So back to my main point, while I accept and your partner must also accept. For your part and my ex's part, it's not "friendly" to stay in touch right now. It only re-enforces a reunion fantasty which simply is not in the cards for him...or me.

Best of luck in your own healing.

Regards.

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