why did he call?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
why did he call?
6
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 10:17am
So me and my boyfriend broke up a little over a week ago. The last time we spoke was last monday, and he was supposed to bring my cell phone back to me. I heard from him last monday morning and then he tried to contact me on tuesday, but I didn't answer. Then nothing. He left for ottawa on thursday for a hockey tournament, and I went by his house to pick up my phone. I was just getting used to everything, and I was kind of ok, until last night. I saw that there were a couple of missed calls from a private number, and he's the only one that calls with a blocked number, but I didn't think it would be him, since I thought he was still in ottawa. Turns out it was. He called again from his house and when we spoke he said he just wanted to see if I had gotten my phone back. We got off the phone, and I started bawling. It was really hard to hear his voice since I hadn't heard it in almost a week. This morning at work, he called again, and was asking why I didn't pick up my phone earlier. He said he tried to call me at 8:30am, but I was on the subway on my way to work. He continues to ask why I just got off the phone last night without saying much. He tries to manipulate the situation by making comments like "so you don't call anymore". What does he want? I don't understand, I asked him what he wants, I said "do you want to hear that I'm miserable, because I am", and he says he's miserable too. Why is he calling, he doesn't make it seem like he wants to get back together. Does he just want to know that I still want him? That I'm still there if he decides he wants me back. I can't understand why he would call after a week. It's not like he's being nice and telling me he misses me. What does he want from me? He's the one that broke up with me, and told me he didn't want a girlfriend right now. He's the one that never made the effort to see me. So why, after a week, does he decide to start calling?


Edited 10/26/2004 8:55 am ET ET by cleopatra947
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 9:52am
Does anybody have an answer to why they call and not really say anything. They don't make it sound like they miss you, but their attitude is still the same.

Does anybody know why????

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 3:18pm
Hi Cleopatra,

I had a similar thing happen to me. The reason he is calling you even though he broke up with you is to ensure that you are still waiting around for him should he decide to want to get back with you...kind of keeping you on the back burner. My ex told me he didn't want a girlfriend but continues to call me. When I ask why he bothers he says he just wants to keep in touch to make sure I am doing okay because even though we aren't seeing each other anymore he still cares. I mentioned this to my brother and he said it was BS he (my brother) said that he is doing this because he wants to ensure that I don't forget about him and most guys know that if they continue to talk to the exes, it's that much harder for the women to get over them so they do it. They know that no contact makes it easier for us to get over them and they don't want that. Mine recently told me he wanted to get together just to 'catch up' this coming Friday. At my brothers' advise I told him that I couldn't because I had other plans. He said "Oh... who with?" I didn't answer him but deliberately changed the subject and now he is calling every day saying in a teasing manner that he wanted to take me out to a nice dinner but since I have plans (believe me, he is too cheap to ever consider a nice dinner). I know he thinks I am going to say, "Okay I will break my plans" but I won't mainly because there are no plans to break, I made it up! HA HA Men just want to know you are 'there for them whenever they want to come back" Lucy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 11:41pm
This is so true, I still keep in touch with my ex, and he gets so jealous whenever I mention being busy or having plans or being out late at night. I guess it is their way of keeping us attached by that one thread, thinking that this will keep us from moving on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 12:58am
You should stop having any contact with this guy. Don't call him...and don't answer when he calls. I think you're totally right about our exes not wanting us to be able to forget & get over them.

My ex and I ended on horrible terms...he ended things between us for good and started dating someone new right away. We had both lied to each other (about different things) and it turns out that he had cheated on me numerous times. We got into a huge fight and he told me all kinds of cruel things--he said that he had never actually loved me, that he had just been "playing a role", that our whole relationship was a game to him, that his new girlfriend is "way more" than me, etc. He told me that he didn't like me and didn't want to know me.

I let him manipulate me into feeling guilty for lying...he convinced me that I needed to "redeem" myself in order for us to ever be friends (god knows why I even wanted to be his friend!). For awhile I tried desperately to contact him, let him know how much I cared, how sorry I was, etc...and all he did was usually ignore me and make no effort to show that he was sorry for his behavior as well.

So I stopped. THAT'S when he started to contact me. He would send me a random IM or a text message, saying "are you still alive?" or "let me know if you're ok." I'm assuming he was probably drunk because he usually contacted me late at night, on the weekend...either way, he was just mad that I wasn't paying attention to him anymore. For awhile I would eagerly respond to his messages...and he would start ignoring me again. It was a horrible trap that I kept falling back into. I'd contact him, he'd ignore me...if I didn't try to get ahold of him for awhile, then he would try. Then it would just start all over again.

We don't have contact anymore. Well, it's been awhile since I've tried to contact him...he did send me an IM a couple of weeks ago, but I never responded and haven't heard from him since. I'm not planning on ever contacting him again, I've accepted that it's over and that we will never be friends. He isn't a good person and I don't want or need him in my life anymore. It took me awhile to realize that, but I made it.

His contact attempts gave me false hope...and I missed having him in my life so much, I was grateful for whatever crumbs he decided to throw at me. But I deserve SO much better than that...and so do you. I know it's hard...and so, so, so painful at times. I always felt bad for ignoring my ex...even though I knew he didn't actually care and was just playing a game. I think he just wanted to torture me...and of course, make sure I remember him. He's a very arrogant person...he told me once that I would never be able to forget him. I'm sure he's right--I won't forget him. But that doesn't mean I'll remember anything good...and that doesn't mean I'll always care.

We've only really talked three times since our breakup (actual full out conversations). All three times have ended badly and just made it more obvious what kind of a person he is and that he'll never change. The only thing he wants to do is rub it in my face that he's moved on--he constantly brags about how wonderful his life is now, how amazing his new girlfriend is. He even tried to send me pictures of the two of them together! When I told him I didn't want to see them, he got really pissed...he tried to make me feel guilty and said "you could at least pretend to be interested in my life!" What a jerk, huh? He shows no respect or concern for me, yet he expects me to be there for him? Yeah right! Even my guy friends have told me that he's just an a*s and not to talk to him anymore...

I've realized now that it was a mistake to try and be his friend right away. I never gave myself time to heal...he still had me right where he wanted me. I was a very convenient ego boost for him...I was there for him whenever he was feeling bored, lonely, etc. I was always so willing to talk to him...but I've come to my senses and I've discovered that I'm actually a much better, happier person without him in my life. He just brought me down...and he isn't a good friend to me. I thought we had been good friends before we dated...but I've realized that we were never truly friends or else I couldn't have loved him so completely and let him treat me so badly.

My ex has told me that he misses me several times and that he cares about me. But I don't believe any of that anymore...frankly, the only thing I believe now is that I'm better off without him. Just give yourself time to heal...be patient. Realize that you're going to have good & bad days...it's most likely going to be a long, rough journey. But you CAN and you WILL do it...because honestly, you don't have any other choice. He broke up with you...and you shouldn't wait "in limbo" for him, nor try to make his life any easier for him. Don't let him take advantage of your feelings for him! You deserve so much better than some guy who will play with your emotions. Maybe someday you two can become friends...but you need to get over him first. You should move on with your life and you will truly come out stronger in the end.

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

"The only people you need in your life are the ones that need you in theirs."

"Love makes us all a little weaker, but in the end we all turn out a little stronger."

"Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts, and don't put up with those who are reckless with yours."

"You can try your hardest, you can do everything & say everything.. but sometimes people just aren't worth trying over anymore..they aren't worth worrying about.. it's important to know when to let go of someone who only brings you down."

"This isn't a perfect world, and people do get hurt, you smile when you feel like crying, you act like you're okay when you're falling apart inside and you let it go. You move on, because there's nothing else you can do."

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 10:59pm
I think it's time to enforce "no contact",,,,he's making you miserable and he's going to keep doing so as long as you let him. I think you should tell him not to call you anymore and then if he does call and you know it's him don't answer. If you happen to answer not knowing it's him just say "I don't want to talk" and get off the phone ASAP. I know it's hard but it can be helpful during this time. Good luck and keep us posted!!









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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 3:35pm
Next time he calls ask him the questions you are asking us. And listen to what he has to say. It will probably be nonsense. When he gets done with his blathering, tell him that since he broke up with you that you would rather not hear from him anymore because it's too painful for you. And then stick to no contact. It's the only way you will heal.


Edited 11/2/2004 4:39 pm ET ET by iamdelightful