Why did he do this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Why did he do this?
1
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 7:23pm

I've been reading some of the messages and they are all so similar to mine. I met someone last summer. He knew I'd gone through a bad breakup a few years back and was reluctant to get involved in anything serious. After we dated a few months, we got along great, were compatible in every way and spent a lot of time together. He pushed for a commitment, and I fell in love. It was mutual. He started to talk about the future, how he wanted to marry me and I was reluctant at first, but began to see that yes, this could work and then Fall rolled around. We even met each other's families, and both our families liked each other. And he claimed "they are crazy about you".

His job is coaching and he got busy in the Fall. But I understood, went to the games and tried to be "available" when he had time to see me. We planned a vacation for after the season ended. He tried to make time for me, it was minimal, but by then I was so in love that I accepted what little there was. He was a good guy, and the "expectation" of a future was there after all. We spent the holidays together, but I started expecting the proposal and when it didn't come, I began to feel a little resentful. We would spend time at the mall, and "he suggested" going in to the store - trying on rings, but never actually bought one. Oh sure, he talked about "when" he was going to do it, but never did. His attention to me started to become less and less.

The season ended and I thought we'd spend more time together but he started teaching and had to get ready for his classes. I developed some medical issues and needed support, but he was not available. I started asking well, "can't you find SOME time for me". And well, you guessed it - I started to appear whiny - not the independent, successful, "fun", sexy career woman he had first met. Suddenly, he was busier, and I started wondering why, but trying to be cool about it although hurting inside. It became the major topic of our conversation. "More time". "What about marriage". Him saying "I love you, I want to be with you", blah, blah, but nothing to make it happen.

Then finally, me telling him, make up your mind, because you are not spending as much time with me anymore so either you want this relationship or you don't. Well, last weekend, he tells me Friday - "I love you. I want to marry you, but just not right now". Then Saturday, he said "I just don't want the relationship". I was so hurt and confused. But I accepted it and we didn't speak anymore until today. I called him becaus I wanted to know why he made that decision, and if he had met someone else. He told me no he hadn't met anyone else, he still loved me, but that we "argued" too much.

I just don't understand. There were no real arguments. We discussed the fact that he was not available, I had explained to him about my medical issues, why I was feeling sensitive all of a sudden, and I needed him to be there for me, which he was not. I was hurt and he turns it around and makes it sound as if it was me. He said he felt as if he "couldn't do anything right". I apologized for making him feel that way. I still love him. But: How do you love someone and walk out on them? It hurts so much and I really do need him at this time. I still have to deal with my health at this time and it's not as if I need him to hold my hand but in the middle of it, I didn't need him to do this. I am crying all the time and finding it hard to move on.

I just keep asking myself why? It wasn't that bad that he had to give up. It really, really, hurts. I thought of trying to ask if he really wanted to end and my friends thought I was crazy!

Thanks for letting me vent.

Roxy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 8:28am

I know it hurts and it's hard but the truth is, it sounds like this guy is there for the good times but not the bad. He wants the fun of a relationship but not the difficulties. He's not an 'in sickness and in health' guy. And now he has slowly backed out of your relationship. The problem is, the more you push to make him stay, the more you're going to push him away because he wants happiness and fun, not communication and work.

I would back off and let him contact you when he wants to. Give him a chance to miss you, give YOU a chance to get back to who you are. Yes, men do like independent, strong women and if you were that woman in the beginning and you started molding your life around his, it probably made him uncomfortable. The only chance you have of getting him back is to be that woman again. You have friends and family to lean on with your health problems. Be the happy thing in his life, not the thing dragging him down.

Steph