why did he email and text me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
why did he email and text me?
7
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 4:52pm

We were together for two years.. and officially broke up in February. We tried being friends for a month after that.. but the same issues loomed over us like rainclouds.. and the last time we spoke, we basically had the worst fight of our lives. I knew that was the end after that. We didn't need to rehash or patch anything anymore. He said some very hurtful things, and I basically walked away with my heart in pieces. He explicitly said, "I don't want to see you anymore ever again." Understood. I swallowed that pill, and didn't care to look back.

About a week later, I received an email from him, saying I'm sorry. He said "You don't need to reply, but I'm sorry. Accept it or leave it, but I'm sorry for the things I said." I chose to delete the email, because I had no desire to reopen any wounds.

About a month later, he texted me on my birthday with a simple "happy bday." I already deleted his number, I even blocked him on our internet chat program so that I couldn't see him (and he couldnt see me). I was compelled to text him back with "thanks"... but chose to delete his text message.

It's now been a few months since all this has happened.. and I can't help but wonder why he tried to contact me after he yelled "I dont want to see you ever again." Was it his guilt? Was it his attempt to become friends again? Or even try to make things work again? The fact that I didn't reply back to his email or his text message... I can't help but wonder if I've missed that window of opportunity to speak with him again.

We were in such a fiery relationship.. things were either skyhigh bliss (90% of the time) or toxic (10% of the time). I do miss him, but not the volatility. I wish he knew that. Should I have acknowledged his email and text message? And what do I do now.. months after he's tried contacting me and I chose to delete his messages. Do I send him an acknowledgment email, saying thanks for the birthday wish, but I wasn't ready to talk with you?

Another kicker.. he has some personal items that I need to get back... the most important thing being my passport. I'm not sure where to start with this. Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 5:06pm

Welcome to the board wonderlei526,


He could have just been feeling guilty or enough time passed for him to be calm enough to contact you.


You've waited this long without getting your passport back and his olive branch you ignored for the most part which would have been the opening to get your passport.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 5:12pm

Thanks Carrie.

I don't think he realizes he still has my passport... and I only realized it last week when I was cleaning out my desk. He borrowed it over a year ago for his parents' visas (I was his parents' sponsor)... and we both forgot about it.

Not sure what to do.. I guess live without it, or wait til it expires so that I wont have to bother getting it back from him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 5:12pm

I'm going to go a little different than Carrie because I went through something very very similar with my own ex last year and now we're actually becoming good friends.


Before I get into it, though,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 5:30pm

Thanks Sandra.

I think I'm ready to talk to him now... but when he emailed/texted me, I wasn't ready. He knows this more intimately than any of my closest friends.. but I went through alot since he and I started our relationship. I lost my father, my life was in shambles after graduating from college.. I had to put my graduate school applications on hold while I took care of my dad's loose ends, and I simultaneously became my grandma's caretaker. I was struggling to work full time while studying for grad school entrance exams... it was a mountain of stress. My ex boyfriend saw me through the entire thing... and did all he could to help and support me. But I believe these events also caused a huge strain on our young relationship... and the timing was just not right for me to be in ANY relationship. I tried to explain this to him... but it was unfair of me to expect him to stick around while my life was put back together.

Its been 3 few months since we last spoke, and I cant say that I want to be back together with him. I think I just dont want anything to distract me while I take care of my life for the time being.

But I sure do miss his company, especially when I start to think about my dad or struggle to take care of my grandma. Even now, when I'm jumping back into applying for grad school again... I can't help but wish he was there to surprise me with dinner because I didnt have time to eat during the day.

My friends seem to think that I'm this strong person who is able to get through things on my own since I've been through alot on my own.. they are constantly amazed at "how great" I'm doing since the breakup.. especially after losing my dad last year too. But I can't seem to convince them that I'm actually weak and broken up inside... do I need to have a public breakdown in order for them to see my cry for help.




Edited 7/2/2007 5:43 pm ET by wonderlei526
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 6:24pm

It sounds even more similar to my own breakup than even in your first post. ;)


Ok, so it seems you really do want to speak to him and that you're actually in a good position now, at least for some tentative communication, even if it's only to retrieve your passport, although to be honest, I can't imagine you'd have a conversation or even an email exchange with him after all this time and after what happened, without some extra talking, you know?


When my ex and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 7:47pm

Thank you Sandra for sharing your story, your words have provided immense clarity to this confusing and lonely situation.

I hope I reach that point - some peace of mind and heart - as you eventually did. He and I said some damaging things to eachother... and I wish I could look back and tell him one day "all that is water under the bridge..." but we both know that those words will leave a permanent mark on our lives.

As far as opening the lines of communication... he did take the first step, and I've got to at least give him that much credit. I just wasnt ready to have him back in my life in any shape or form. Those IFS you mentioned in the last paragraph put alot of things into perspective.. and I sincerely appreciate your wisdom and empathy in this situation. Best of luck in your "maturing friendship"... I can only hope for something as great in the near or distant future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 2:06am

I wanted to respond to this part, since I started my response to you before you edited and could totally relate ;)

....."My friends seem to think that I'm this strong person who is able to get through things on my own since I've been through alot on my own.. they are constantly amazed at "how great" I'm doing since the breakup.. especially after losing my dad last year too. But I can't seem to convince them that I'm actually weak and broken up inside... do I need to have a public breakdown in order for them to see my cry for help.".....

It's getting clearer all the time from where I'm sitting. :)

Well, I have a question for you: Have you ever had even a mini-breakdown in front of your friends? Or is that too much of a loss of control for you, too risky, too intimate, too embarassing, too uncomfortable? Not to say you have to have total meltdown in front of anyone, Lord knows I keep that kind of drama behind closed doors, but sometimes, we're so wrapped up in our own egos, so wrapped up in looking and acting so together that we can start to build a wall around ourselves. People don't reach out to us becuase they think, "Well, what could *I* possibly do for her anyway?" It's not their fault they don't know.

Or the other thing is that they look to you to be some kind of rock and it's a little rattling to see a *seemingly* put-together person lose it a little. And yes, it did piss me off at one time when I was like, "Well how come nobody's willing to breach that? How come *I* have to be the strong one? Who holds *me* up?" and you know the thing is, it's on us to breach that, to take a risk and do the asking, trust that someone will respond to it because when you do, you let a little light in, and you let a little of yourself out, a little bit of yourself that others can relate to, that they can reach out to, and all of a sudden, you have intimacy with people you care about, and you let them care about you.

Amazing how that works, every time. Like now.

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