why did he leave me??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
why did he leave me??
12
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 1:07am

please i need to know why he left. and i just can't seem to understand. he was crazy about me. he'd keep insisting we were going to marry no matter what i said. after 4 years of PASSIONATE ABNORMAL LOVE ( he carved my name on his hand with a blade in this one fight where i told him he's just playing me for a fool). Drank poison to convince me of his undying love and wehad to go the hospital. i was living in guilt and depression coz yet somehow i couldnt quite buy his "love/marriage" plans for me. they seemed too fairytalish. no practical element.

and when i'd say look this is a lie. he'd say that i just love to feel depressed an unhappy. he was VERY loving otherwise. did a lot of nice thigns for me. never even looked at any other girl. fought agianst his paretns for me ( i am of a different religion). and was otherwise wonderful.

For the 4 years we were he's been "dying" tomarry me. whenever i've said it wouldn't work out coz we were so different he'd insist we would. it was "fate". so i was comlpetely invested in the relationship . at what point he started to control me i don't know. but he did. i changed completely for him. and soon became deeply unhappy. would cry for hours. and he became quite unemotional. he'd convincedme i was crazy and that i "loved" to cry. but YET he insisted we would marry. at some point i started to think it was a lie - and he said "look this is your craziness. you just NEED a reason to feel sorry for yourself". i thought i was really going mad. if he loves me - why am i so depressed. blame dthe pills i was taking. joined a language class. went for walks. when we were happy we were really happy, REALLY happy and he'd promise marriage but the fights were terrible.

he is an extremely handsome man. and lives like he is in the movies. with his declarations of undying love. butthen he wouldn't staywith me 4 years would he??? he marriage plans sounded most impossible, ( his career plans consisted spooning of his parents for the most paart and YET he would saythings like " one day i am going to rule the world") i'd yell and say "prove yourself!! you do nothing but sponge off them! etc" and he'd hate me for it. no one ever spoke to him the way i did. anyway so i was steadily going mad......he loved me - i was the mad one to doubt him ....

anyway he leftthe country . missed me like hell. and said we'd definitely get engage din december. within one month of leaving cheated on me. i nearly died. its like i was right along. i stilll took him back. he said its harder for him to stay faithful coz he is so goodlookigthat girls flock to him anyway. i said its all right justdont do it again. he did it again. and this time said i need my freedom. cant be with you. hate talking to you. fed up of you. stop calling me. he said he doesnt love me anyore. i said you wanted to marry me? he said it was just a "moment". 2 months NC. he keeps checking my web pages.

he still has my pics put up on his my space. he sai dthis is for the best .
said he has to do "what he is born to do". he also said he doesn't want to miss out on anything "fun". and the girls there are are "very pretty and easy" and i'm too "weak" for him unlike girls there ( he made me weak!! coz my ambitious nature and great prospects intimidated him - he'd say i should "cut out the feminist liberalcrap and be a cute stay at home")he said he'd find someone better.

i was in shock. how can someone do this?? he framed a picture of the two of us befor ehe left and its on his desk. there are pics of that on Facebook. why did he leave me?? he loved me. he wantedto marry me. even after cheating he said i wantto marry yu lets make this work. then when he did it again. he just froze over. said he hasn't loved me for a eyar. but thats another lie. the moment he cheated on me. everything changed. he just didn't want me anymore. he is just having a great time. f88888 around. while i'm left wonderign whatever happ to my boyfriend who was so madly in love with me and wanted to marry me. he's called me twice in the last 2 months ( once on my birthday and once in the middle of the night. i cut both times. coz nothing he can say can make this better.)

please help me understand. why this happened. how could he do this . and not feel bad AT ALL>

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 2:01am

Oh gosh...I don't know how to say this without being blunt, so I'm just going to be blunt: this is not a rational, mentally healthy man. I'm shocked at the things you say he did--and you stayed with him? Why? Seriously, you didn't realize those things indicated he was unbalanced?

Are you getting counseling to figure out why you stayed with someone who clearly isn't rational for as long as you did? Do you even see now how far from normal his behavior is?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 5:38am


i dont know what to say. you realy think he isn't mentally healthy? the whole of last 4 years i've gone arond thinking i'm the one who isn't mentally healthy. he said " you need my love to be okay".

can't his behaviour be put down to high emotional intensity? he said i made him do it. the hand cutting, the poison drinking. he said my crying drove him a perfectly sane rational man to do these things . when i've been crying he's even hit me a couple of times. i'd just go home and call up crying and say how could you hit me? how can you treat me like this? and he'd say you drive me mad. and that you deserved it.

i'd even tried to leave him a couple of times coz i really loved him and didn't want to make him go mad coz of me. i wanted him to be happy and apparently being with me was making him crazy. but he'd always want me back saying he wants me to be happy and so he is going to marry me no matter at what cost to him.

he is crazy?? wasn't i the one who lost control?? and all his endless love for me..why has that gone? in a month?? you really think he is mentally unhealthy? couldnt it be that he is just immature? and men are immature right?

no i haven't tried conselling. though i am reading a lot of self help books and finding myself again. and these boards help a lot . Thanks for your reply. i'm still digesting that he "could" be mentally unstable. but man, he is oozing confidence and is your regular stud guy..good looking charming smooth talker..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 10:09am

He is aboslutely mentally unstable!! The cutting, the mental and verbal abuse (blaming you for his actions) all of that is indicative of someone who is very unstable and controlling. Newsflash, crying is not a loss of control and will not make another person cut himself! Crying is a normal emotional outlet and if he was unable to deal with your emotions then you don't need to be with him. Please, for your own emotional well being, go to counseling and work through your own issues and cut off contact with this guy.

Hugs,
YG

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 11:24am

Sweetie, not only is he *clearly* unstable, you were ABUSED. It's a basic principle of abuse that the abuser makes the victim feel that she is at fault. That is a crock of you know what to say that you "made" him do those things.

Please, go see a counselor. You need to see how crazy this situation is and how wrong his behavior was, as well as figure out what in you was willing to believe that you were the one who was wrong, when his behavior is clearly unstable to any objective observer.

Do you realize that one of the characteristics most sociopaths have in common is "charm"? I'm not saying your ex is a sociopath (although he could be), but the fact that he's charming doesn't mean he's not mentally ill.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 12:22pm

Doing_good, what triggered your set back?

In addition to the great advice you have already gotten and I hope you take it....besides him being unbalanced, not stable, abusive - you argued with him the entire relationship about whether or not he was sincere, so either you had a gut feeling that something was off and you pushed it aside or you loved being chased.

My guess is that he's narcisistic to some degree and therefore when you no longer serve a purpose, or he can't get what he needs from you, even if it's a 'reaction' he can just cut you out of his life without emotion and feeling.

Please, please go see a counselor. I don't know what's available in your country, but I hope something is.




Edited 1/26/2007 12:29 pm ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 2:31pm
Hitting DOES NOT equal love. Please stay FAR FAR away from this man. No stable person cuts themselves or drinks poison to prove ANYTHING. Actions prove love, not saying "i love you." His actions prove that he DOES NOT love you, he cheated on you, he hit you! Who cares if he's hot? A lot of hot people can remain faithful to their partner. Please seek counseling, I think that's a really good idea!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 12:01pm

thanks to everyone for their messages. makes me feel like i wasn't so guilty in the relationship. but one thing has got me worried. every single post says i should seek cuonselling. is it really necessary?? its carying m e a bit. can't i do this alone???

itwinflame,

the set back was triggered by - the thing is i've out al the feelings inside coz for the most part i have been unable to figure out WHY?. so i'd just put it down to something that was meant to happen to me coz of some inherent flaw in me. also i have told NO ONE about the crazy bits. there are some more really weird things he's done and asked me to do to sort of "prove our love to each other". some humiliating things. no one knows this side of him. i justthought that his "deep love" for me was stirring up this side in him. everyone would say he's the bestthing that happened to me. my friends, everyone is/was convinced he is madly in love with me too.

now the memory of what i was put through makes me want to throw up. and yes like som e of the advice gievn i've been thinking about why i agreed to them. i don't kow - that's what love is right? i've lost trust in everything after this. after putting in so much - and HE did this to me. its just feels like if HE could let me down , then there's no truth left in the world anymore. that's how i planned to live. shut everyone out. and put up a brave front. that i'm fine and don't need ANYONE. i've stopped crying but there's way too much anger. too much.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 12:47pm

Somewhere along the line, you got some unhealthy, unrealistic messages about what love is. Undoing those messages and replacing them with realistic, healthy viewpoints is going to take a LOT of hard work and I personally think that trying to do that without a counselor is like trying to climb Mt. Everest in shorts and tennis shoes. Sure, maybe you COULD, but since you would increase your chances of success exponentially by seeing a counselor, why would you choose the hard way?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 1:12pm

Our minds want an answer, our ego wants to know the real reason, unfortunately, sometimes, we never get that answer. Acceptance of 'what is' is a very important step in the healing process. But it can take a long, long time to get there.

There is no flaw in you. Him asking for crazy things so you can prove your love is HIS flaw coming out. Him asking you to do humiliating things is a form of degrading you, controlling you and manipulating you. As long as you think the flaw is in you, then yes, you need counseling.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 3:28am

:It's a basic principle of abuse that the abuser makes the victim feel that she is at fault. That is a crock of you know what to say that you "made" him do those things.:

This particluar post of yours hit me so hard. i keep re reading it and everytimg i read it i feel stronger. thanks a lot. and yes, i can't quite figure out myself that "what in you was willing to believe that you were the one who was wrong, when his behavior is clearly unstable to any objective observer."

All i can say is - this has really been enlightening. makes me look at the whole relationship in a different way. i think i "deserved" the beating and the madness on his part coz i cried all the time and i yelled at him. i'd say he needs to better n life and not be so dependant on his parents etc.. he'd start crying saying "i love you so much and you are always demoralizing me. if i were any other guy i'd have left you long back. you always hit a guy where it hurts"

i've received some really penetrating advice. i can't tell u guys how different i feel everytime i read one of your posts. feel in control of myself again. strangely EVERY single post says he's mentally stable. though something in me says i drove him to it. i see now that i should perhaps seek counselling. but isn't thatlike i lost. he defeated me. destroyd the good healthy part in me??

itwinflame, i've also picked up a few books that you had recommended to increase self worth. gaining a whole new perspective on self-love and self esteem. isee now i have very litle self worth to feel i "deserve" to be hit. but this is still on the "rational" level. i don't yet REALLY believe it. unless it is reinforced by someone else. like here, on these boards!

also, if he's narcisstic ( he defintiely is) isn't that a sign of being "balanced"? like he loves himself alot right? i'm the who doesnt love me...

i guess i just want to say thanks . i'm moving towars a very different place. still have questions but i'mlooking at the relationship an dmyself and him in a very very differnt light. thanks for that. ( still can't believe its so obvious to everyone eles here and not to me.!! still a little bit in shock about that ! )

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