why do breakups hurt even when right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2008
why do breakups hurt even when right?
22
Mon, 02-18-2008 - 10:52am

My BF and I had been together for 10 months. He had lots of things about him that were red flags that I kept explaining away. He drinks like a fish, flirts with other women, holds a candle for his ex-girlfriend of three years, has a temper, smokes pot a few times a week, and never really discusses his feelings (I feel like I never knew the real him). Oh, and he is 42, never married and a PROUD bachelor.

What was good about the relationship? We had fun cooking together, he introduced me to people since I was new in town. He was fun to hang out with from time to time. He was affectionate. He gave me enough space to do things that I wanted to do. He let me bring my dog to his house.

I always knew in my gut that this was a bad relationship, but I was always too chicken to break up with him. I was annoyed and hurt by him, more than I was happy. But, I always found a reason to stick around. Oh, I will break up with him after the wedding we are supposed to go to together.

I finally decided that we would part company after a trip we were going to take that had been planned back in October. For a majority of the trip, I was annoyed with him. He was drunk a lot. It was my birthday on the trip and he did nothing to acknowledge it which was further proof that he was not considerate.

However, on Valentine's Day, he insisted that we go out to dinner. I didn't really want to go, but did. We went to an incredibly fancy restaurant and after the meal he said. "I really like you and I want to spend a lot of time with you." Then, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a box and put it on the table. It was a beautiful diamond ring.

I started crying because it was the most pathetic proposal I had ever witnessed. He thought they were tears of joy and was ecstatic that we were engaged????

It was an excruciating 2 days of the remainder of vacation. When we got home I told him that there was no way I could marry him. I asked why he had done that and he said, "because you said that you wanted to get married some day. I did it to make you happy." That made me extremely sad, because that is NOT why you get married.

He then got angry and told me to leave, so I did. And, we haven't spoken since.

I know it is best that we are no longer, but why do I feel so crummy?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 02-18-2008 - 12:15pm

Welcome to the board jackie2148,


It still hurts because there is grief.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2008
Mon, 02-18-2008 - 12:33pm

Thanks for the response and the references.

I am not really sure how they will help though? I know he's not the one for me. I always knew we would break up, it was just a matter of when.

I am feeling crummy about a relationship that I didn't want to be in anyway. I don't want him back - he is NOT a good partner. I just want to know why even though I don't want to be in that dysfunctional relationship anymore, why do I miss it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 02-18-2008 - 12:37pm

In one word - grief.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2008
Mon, 02-18-2008 - 12:49pm

I think that I fell in love with good parts of him (there were a couple), but also with his potential. But, that's all it was.

How do I process the grief, realize that this was all for the best and move on?

How can I be so sad about "what could have been?" (imaginary stuff?)

thanks...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 02-18-2008 - 1:10pm

::How do I process the grief, realize that this was all for the best and move on?


Journal write, vent, write UNSENT letters (burn them) and see where your emotions take you.


::How can I be so sad about "what could have been?" (imaginary stuff?)


When we start a relationship, get involved, we all have 'dreams' about what the future holds, what might be, could be, what we hoped it will be - love, sharing a life, marriage, kids, whatever your dream of the future is.


The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have - Kierkegaard





iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Mon, 02-18-2008 - 5:34pm

*hugs*

I'm sorry to hear that.. the guy I ended things with (see my post) is pretty much the same as the guy you're describing... actually.. exactly the same. He would say or do things just to make me happy.. or whatever it is that he thinks makes me happy.

I am also in the same situation... where I know I did the right thing (he only wanted me for sex), but at the same time, my heart is not listening to my head.

I don't really know what to do either.. except to try to hang on and stay strong... and wait it out.

*many hugs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2008
Mon, 02-18-2008 - 5:47pm
thanks for the support. sorry to hear you were in the same boat - not a fun one to be in.

my worst times are when i only remember the good things and that's when it's hard. i miss him.

but, then all i have to do is read a journal that i kept on and off while i was with him and i see how the good times were really fleeting and were only efforts to keep me around.

my friends never understood what i saw in him and they said that I will be much happier when I am ready to date again if i give some of the nice guys out there a chance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2008
Tue, 02-19-2008 - 9:34am

He stopped by my house last night to try to talk me back into the relationship!?!

He said that we work so well together and that he has never felt this way. I made him want to settle down and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. It was so sad and so pathetic. Maybe he thinks we work well together, but I was annoyed/sad with him more than I was ever happy. I asked him why he wants to get married and he said it was because, "you're pretty and smart and my friends say we look good together and you don't bug me about stuff that I don't want to talk about. And, you're the only girl who has never brought up marriage with me." Where did he learn that these were good reasons?!?

I told him no, again. He left.

Then, he called this morning and left a message like everything was normal.

What do I do????

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2006
Tue, 02-19-2008 - 10:38am

I just broke up with my boyfriend of almost 5 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2008
Tue, 02-19-2008 - 11:05am

Thanks, Brenda.

That makes total sense. Hoping that xyz were different is not a very productive way to be when there could be someone that I don't have to do so much hoping and wishing about. I deserve so much better.

Interestingly, while I was dating him, I felt that things were just not right with me and could not understand why I loved someone who was so crummy. So, I started counseling and as I learned things about me and my people pleasing ways, I was able to see why I put up with him and his subpar behavior. The further along I got in counseling, the less attractive he became to me.

So, I now know that I deserve SO MUCH better. Now I need to get him to just leave me alone and move on.

Pages