why do breakups hurt even when right?
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| Mon, 02-18-2008 - 10:52am |
My BF and I had been together for 10 months. He had lots of things about him that were red flags that I kept explaining away. He drinks like a fish, flirts with other women, holds a candle for his ex-girlfriend of three years, has a temper, smokes pot a few times a week, and never really discusses his feelings (I feel like I never knew the real him). Oh, and he is 42, never married and a PROUD bachelor.
What was good about the relationship? We had fun cooking together, he introduced me to people since I was new in town. He was fun to hang out with from time to time. He was affectionate. He gave me enough space to do things that I wanted to do. He let me bring my dog to his house.
I always knew in my gut that this was a bad relationship, but I was always too chicken to break up with him. I was annoyed and hurt by him, more than I was happy. But, I always found a reason to stick around. Oh, I will break up with him after the wedding we are supposed to go to together.
I finally decided that we would part company after a trip we were going to take that had been planned back in October. For a majority of the trip, I was annoyed with him. He was drunk a lot. It was my birthday on the trip and he did nothing to acknowledge it which was further proof that he was not considerate.
However, on Valentine's Day, he insisted that we go out to dinner. I didn't really want to go, but did. We went to an incredibly fancy restaurant and after the meal he said. "I really like you and I want to spend a lot of time with you." Then, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a box and put it on the table. It was a beautiful diamond ring.
I started crying because it was the most pathetic proposal I had ever witnessed. He thought they were tears of joy and was ecstatic that we were engaged????
It was an excruciating 2 days of the remainder of vacation. When we got home I told him that there was no way I could marry him. I asked why he had done that and he said, "because you said that you wanted to get married some day. I did it to make you happy." That made me extremely sad, because that is NOT why you get married.
He then got angry and told me to leave, so I did. And, we haven't spoken since.
I know it is best that we are no longer, but why do I feel so crummy?

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Good for you Jackie -- you're thinking in the right direction.
Oh, and another thing....when I used to ask my ex why he loved me, usually he said it was insulting to him that I even ask that, and during the times that he wasn't too defensive to answer that way, his response was 'Because you cook for me'.
I feel like I am going in the right direction. You are so right that his insistence that I will come to my senses and accept his proposal are further signs of his disrespect for me and my feelings. It's ALL ABOUT HIM. And, it always has been!
Is it wrong to send an email and say, "it's over. please don't contact me anymore." The face to face and telephone approach have not worked.
It's not wrong to send an email, but it may not work either.
If the face to face and telephone 'leave me alone' messages haven't worked, I doubt if the e-mail will.
This discussion is good. It is making me recall all the crummy stuff. When I objected to his getting plastered and high all the time, I was the one who needed to "loosen up."
When he flirted with other women RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, I was the one who "didn't trust."
When I pointed out to him that he introduced me to men as girlfriend and women as "Jackie" he FREAKED OUT, and said, "oh, you need labels?" I said, "no, just be consistent. why do you not tell other women I am your girlfriend." He said, "because I don't want them to feel bad."??????????
He does not have a cell phone. When I used to make comments about how I would try to catch up with him to meet him somewhere, but that I could not, because there was no where to call him, he would freak out again and say things like, "that's why my last girlfriend and I broke up because she wanted me to get a cell phone so she could control me." (No, step into the 21st century)
The list goes on and on. It's always all about him. He (in a delusional fashion) thinks that he is God's gift to women, and that I was lucky to be picked out of the crowd.
Wow.
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