why do breakups hurt even when right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2008
why do breakups hurt even when right?
22
Mon, 02-18-2008 - 10:52am

My BF and I had been together for 10 months. He had lots of things about him that were red flags that I kept explaining away. He drinks like a fish, flirts with other women, holds a candle for his ex-girlfriend of three years, has a temper, smokes pot a few times a week, and never really discusses his feelings (I feel like I never knew the real him). Oh, and he is 42, never married and a PROUD bachelor.

What was good about the relationship? We had fun cooking together, he introduced me to people since I was new in town. He was fun to hang out with from time to time. He was affectionate. He gave me enough space to do things that I wanted to do. He let me bring my dog to his house.

I always knew in my gut that this was a bad relationship, but I was always too chicken to break up with him. I was annoyed and hurt by him, more than I was happy. But, I always found a reason to stick around. Oh, I will break up with him after the wedding we are supposed to go to together.

I finally decided that we would part company after a trip we were going to take that had been planned back in October. For a majority of the trip, I was annoyed with him. He was drunk a lot. It was my birthday on the trip and he did nothing to acknowledge it which was further proof that he was not considerate.

However, on Valentine's Day, he insisted that we go out to dinner. I didn't really want to go, but did. We went to an incredibly fancy restaurant and after the meal he said. "I really like you and I want to spend a lot of time with you." Then, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a box and put it on the table. It was a beautiful diamond ring.

I started crying because it was the most pathetic proposal I had ever witnessed. He thought they were tears of joy and was ecstatic that we were engaged????

It was an excruciating 2 days of the remainder of vacation. When we got home I told him that there was no way I could marry him. I asked why he had done that and he said, "because you said that you wanted to get married some day. I did it to make you happy." That made me extremely sad, because that is NOT why you get married.

He then got angry and told me to leave, so I did. And, we haven't spoken since.

I know it is best that we are no longer, but why do I feel so crummy?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 02-19-2008 - 5:40pm
Holy cow, print that list and re-read it often if you ever think you might want to contact him.




iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2008
Tue, 02-19-2008 - 5:43pm

I know.

I have been going to counseling and have made good progress, but I still backslide.

I need to journal all the bad things and re-read over and over.

The good things list would have 3 maybe 4 items tops!

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