Why do guys do this

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Why do guys do this
12
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 10:42pm

Just wanted to post this on its own thred for those of you with any insight Thanks IMINSECLUSION.. I appreciate your kind words...

Well now i am a complete mess. My friends work at a restaurant in my are and
were working last night and called and said they think my ex was there. Well i had
remebered from before we broke up that his uncles 50th birthday party was planned for
that day. I had no idea where it was gonna be but anyways so i guess it was there. Well
they told me he was with another GIRL. I am a complete mess right now it has only been
two months and he already has a new girl that he is bringing to a family party... WTF. I
dont know what to do right now so why i sit and suffer over my 8+ yr relationship he has
moved on. My friends did say they were arguing all night cause she was sitting by herself
the whole time and at one point he was on his phone and she was like WTF blah blah.

Like how can he already be withsomeone else..did i not mean anything to him.It has only been two months... I know he is not gonna be faithful to her like he was with me because he is still trying to contact that ex-girl on the myspace thing but what the hell do i do know. I cant move on at all. I feel so stupid like i meant nothing to him and now i sit and suffer while he is already with someone new. What the hell did i do to deserve this. Here i am not able to even see myself with someone else and he is bringing a new girl to his family like what is wrong with him. How could he do this after being with me for so long. This jerk was my future, my dreams, my everything i did it all for him and he could just go on so quickly. How do i know stop thinking of him being with her and what he is doing with her while i sit here and feel like my life is over. There is nothing else to look forward to. I feel so betrayed and like a loser that he told me oh i want to be single, find myself and all this crap but he is already bringing girls around his family. I am completely destroyed and just cant go on. I am at my wits end feeling like crap when i was the best i could be with him. I am the better person and he gets to be the one to move on and have someone new and i dont.

I am so sick and tired of feeling like a piece of dirt... what did i do so wrong to him
for him to just go on. I guess i meant nothing to him and 8+ yrs of my life were all
lies. He probably could care less about me and is just so happy right now.

Sorry for rambling thanks for listening.....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 1:23pm
Bump up please help completely lost
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 1:38pm

Your ex-boyfriend is an A**hole!!! Stop crying over him right now! Take comfort in the fact that he is making some other woman's life miserable while trying to start something up with an ex-girlfriend. If anything he had proven he is emotionally unstable--you dodged a bullet.

Right now just do whatever you can do to make yourself feel better--treat yourself to a new oufit, day at the spa, etc.

Don't worry about what you might or might not have done wrong--it's not you, it's totally him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 3:59pm

The only advice I can give is just to focus on yourself now. I'm in the same boat--dumped just two months ago, except he was seeing someone new within a matter of a week. I would be flat out lying if I said I'm not still a wreck over the break-up. But now is the time to just think about you, not him and especially not his new flame. Believe me, I know how difficult it is to keep him off your mind! He consumes your thoughts and there's no way around that, at least not for the time being. You really don't have a choice but to allow time to pass until you heal. Two months isn't a long time at all, especially to be seeing someone new. He may feel secure now, but it's a temporary feeling. The impact of the break-up, and of his actions, should and will catch up to him in the future. In the meantime, we're the ones left suffering. But remember: What goes around comes around.

Just letting you know you are definitely NOT alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 4:30pm

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am only 21, but I was with someone for 3 and a half years. I ended our relationship right before Thanksgiving, in hopes we could take some time apart and that might make things better. We were doing a long distance thing so we were constantly fighting. From Thanksgiving to Xmas, he was all about wanting to be with me and trying to make it work. He asked to spend New Years with me and we did. The next day, he was done talking to me. He no longer wanted to make it work. He cut me off completely. Stopped calling, stopped returning my phone calls, would ignore my texts and emails. And guess what? He seems to have found a new person in his life. He just met her right before we were together on New Years. I am in shock, but learning how to cope with it. I feel the same way you do...how could he move on so quickly? While we're at home moping, he is happy with someone else. I don't get it either.

SingAct007@aol.com is my email address. We seem to be going through a similar situation. Would love to chat more with you!

Meagan

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 12:18am

First of all, you may want to mention to your friends that you do not want updates on your ex's dating stats. This is only going to bring you more pain and suffering that you don't need. Secondly, his moving on and dating another person very quickly after your break up has nothing to do with you. Repeat- it has nothing to do with you. He has chosen to deal with the break up the way many men (and sometimes women)do, they jump right in dating someone new so that they don't really have to deal with the break up. Obviously he is not dealing with the situation the way you are, but you can not control that. Right now, you need to focus on you. Get your bearings and begin to get you life back to normal. Break ups are never easy but the only way the get past the pain is to go through it.

Hugs,
YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 4:13am

oh god!! that horrible feeling , thinking about what he is doing, how can he just be with someone else ( in my ex's case it's a different girl every night) didn't i mean anything. i've been keeping it in. and not thinking about it. but your post has churned up all those feelings.

He walked out of an 8 year relationship. it's not to find himself. it's to explore "options". and that's what he is doing. what he thinks about you?? i ask myself the same thing - what does my ex think when he thinks of me - and i've realised he doesn't think. they don't think about us coz its so much easier. they justhink about all these new girls and yes atthe moment we really really don't matter.

you know alli can say is, really forget him. if he can walk away from 8 years he can walk away from anything. HE is NOT your problem anymore. he is someone else's. the girl he is curently with. the ex girl he is chasing. not YOURS> don't you see - you are in a far better place than any of these girls??? you don'thave to deal with his crap anymore.

why do guys do this?? i don't know . i really don't know. why they choose to walk away from a perfectly good relationship, where they were so loved and wanted i don't know. but i know he will regret it one day. just like yous will. but you, you be strinng. move on. thats the only way you'll find your peace. see, he founf another girl and already he is fighting with her. you think he will be happy with anyone after what he did to you?? if you couldnt make 8 years work - i doubt he can make anything else work either!
hang in there! we are better than this! all the times we put in tons of effort to make a crappy relationship work - speaks WELL of us. they walked out and left speaks volumes about the kind of men they are! hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 9:38pm

Wow does this hit home. I'm new to message boards but came here because I'm going through something similar except I ended the relationship. It was 11+ years of being with a man who had some very negative traits (not abusive, but negative and compulsive and selfish). We both knew for along time if he couldn't change and 'be nice' (pretty hard right?) that it needed to end. I loved him and supposedly he loved me, but being a nice person was too difficult for him so after all the fights, crying, lonely times I ended it 2 weeks ago. He emailed jokes to me, things he found I might want to purchase, talked to me on the phone and on and on...even cried about how difficult it all was and I said possibly we could make it work somehow...he said nothing. Curious.

Within 2 days after that I discovered he had already posted a personal ad online. Not asking for a date but for his next and hopefully last long relationship! He wanted someone to share his 'good fortune' with (he is financially set). I was shocked and told him so to be told that he may still love me (carefully chose his words to make me wonder) and that he hadn't joined or activate it yet (he was doing the free trial but he left that out)...I too felt so low. How can you love someone and do that so quickly? I am not ready to move on even though I know he is not good for me and I won't take the relationship anymore. How can you just dismiss 11 years of love? Well it hurts. It sucks. I am angry (told him to stop emailing and calling me...he was not my friend). But basically...yes I'm getting to the point of all of this just need to air it all out!

People jump right back into a relationship (I used to do it too) to mask the pain, to forget, but in reality it is still there and it will surface. You have to deal with the pain and loss of a relationship. I think men do it more than women from what I have been told but then we show our emotions more for the most part, I think.

Regardless my ex and yours have not changed. The issues we had with them are still there. They don't magically get 'nice' 'good' immediately unless they take responsibility for their actions so take comfort in the fact that he is not going to have a good relationship with her (or whomever)...feel for her, she is innocent here.

You take time. You grieve for the loss of the relationship but realize what it was and why it ended. If you need to fix things in you, and I think we all do, take time to do so, use this lesson and when you are not looking for him, a great one will come along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 3:52pm

i know how you feel!

my ex got into a relationship shortly after we broke up as well. not only that, but he would do things for her he never did for me even though we were together for much longer! of course, she ended up dumping him and now he realizes he stupid he was. but let me just tell you something...guys deal with breakups much differently than we do! they don't sit at home crying to their friends for hours or eat ice cream and watch sex and the city for months. they move on and try not to think about it. they find other things to occupy themselves and other distractions. it's a fact! don't take it personally. it does not mean he didn't or doesn't care about you, it just means he is a man. please try not to let it bother you so much and focus on yourself. focus on doing things you love and trying to be happy again. you will be able to, it just takes time ok?

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 5:42pm

He is probably NOT happy now if he is fighting with his new "girlfriend." He is probably very confused.

Men handle breakups by moving on as quickly as possible. Since they are very physical beings, they try to lessen their pain by being with someone physically, kind of like playing sports. They are also very good at compartmentalizing their lives and feelings; for example, they can go to work and forget about their homelife, or they can move from one relationship to another and not think about the former one. In other words, they can only hold one thing in their brain at a time! (Sorry, guys!)

This technique works rather well for them until, all of a sudden, they wake up and notice they are alone, no girlfriend to hold their hand, and then they usually come crawling back to the one they left, realizing they "love" her, after all. This is exactly what my EX did, only after taking three trips to meet online hotties in Europe and impregnating one, who promptly left him after two weeks. Now he has been begging me to come back for months. What a complete fool and jerk he is! Never realized in six years that he loved me, after I gave him my complete heart, soul, mind and time. But that is somewhat typical behavior, albeit quite extreme. Needless to say, I have moved on and have NO interest in him, even as a friend. I feel sorry for him, that is all.

It still hurts me tremendously to hear about him, so I ask my friends not to tell me. I decided I deserved better than him, and guess what? After grieving over him for six months, I met the most wonderful guy who treats me so well. I am very happy and beginning to see the breakup as a blessing in disguise. You will, too. It will just take time. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 5:59pm

Thank You all For your advice. I am just feeling so low lately like i dont know what to do with myself with my "new life" and i am just very overwhelmed. I cant believe fter 8 yrs of my life it has come to this. I am just so lost. I have been interviewing for jobs and i just feel like why i am i even trying to advance my career when i have noone to go home to and talk about it to like my companion. I also just feel like it is not going to get any better then this and i will be alone forever. I know i am only 23 but this feeling is just so awful. Why do i have to pay while he gets to go out and be ok. It is not fair. I am so stuck on the good things and memories i just cant see me ever being with someone new. I look i men and i get a weird feeling like i dont know them they are strangers and i am so used to be comfortable with the other. I hope and pray non stop that i can just feel normal again and be able to live a life without worrying about how big of a loser i feel.

Like i think if i was good enough for him he wouldnt have left and possibly try to find someone new. I gave him my heart my soul everything i could and now i am stuck in this rut of lonliness and despair. I am so infactuated by him i feel like that will never go away and he will be the only when on my mind and only one i will ever love.

I hate these feelings and feel like i dont know what to do anymore. I am stuck between two hard rocks. I want to move far away and never come back.......

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