why do I still care
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why do I still care
| Mon, 12-26-2005 - 11:20pm |
It's been officially been five weeks. Why do I still care what he's up to? He's not doing anything. He is bipolar and that played a big factor in the break up. It had been three years. This is the third time we broke up and it always happened in Nov or Dec. He starts to change around Oct, the anniv of his bro's death(something we had in common, so all he had to do was talk with me about it, we used to do that, in a positive way), he starts to hate life in Nov and then he starts to hate me in late Nov or so. Of course we have been through a lot--how cliched! But its been three years of great times and awlful times. I know this has to be it. I'm dreading when he starts his manic phase and how I'll react to it. I wish he'd just move away and I wouldn't know anything about what he was up to. Sometimes he is all I can think of. I worry if he's okay, if he is eating right,if he is alone and sad like I know he is. Is he sleeping, no, he sleeps a lot during the day and stays up chatting on a chat line on a diff site. That's what's so ironic to me that I'm on this site. I know I'm rambling, but I just want to not care any more! I wish I had not let him in so deep into my heart. but he's just there, I just want this part of my life to come together. I have so much, I know that. I just wish loving someone was simple and easy. Is it?

Hey ivil_tinalouise,
It is a long story why we broke up but the jish is that he was cheating on me…well he didn’t think so because he would always break up with me on Thursday and then go off and have a fling over the weekend and then by Monday he was calling and apologizing and wanting to hang out again. After the third time I wised up and put my foot down and said no more. I then (after a rough period because I was utterly in love with him down to my soul so it was very very very hard for me to find the courage to do it) I installed a NO CONTACT policy and stuck with it though its hard to imagine where I found the strength to do it back then when I was dying inside from it.
Anyways, then for 1 ½ years I heard nothing from him (and I didn’t contact him)…then suddenly he instant messaged me on Halloween night 2005 (I was handing out candy and online chatting with my buddies). Anyways, since then my mind has been once again filled with thoughts of him and I’ve had dreams of him again like I did after I first started the no contact (dreams of getting back together, hashing out the issues, etc) and when I have one of those dreams it always bothers me for the entire day afterwards and sometimes even longer. Just when I was really making progress toward forgetting about him he pops up again out of no where.
Yes, we connected on the soul level (very deep) but he has psychological problems (bipolar disorder and issues with women because his mom abandoned him at a young age, etc) and he is actually (in my opinion) not capable of having a real relationship with someone. At least not until he has some major therapy. His relationship history proves this because he hasn’t been able to maintain a relationship for very long and the ones that have lasted more then a few months have all been long distance/online relationships where he was still able to sleep around if he felt like the relationship was getting to close and he had tons and tons of space and freedom naturally built into those types of relationships. With us we were only 10 miles apart and saw each other no less then 3 days out of the week sometimes more then that and of course I wanted a real partnership where you are accountable to each other (and exslusive) which I don’t think he could handle at all over time.
Anyways I’ve rambled on and on here. The point is that yes we connected on a very deep level (he admitted that upfront and agreed) and our personalities are very similar (though I’m not bipolar) so it was a good match if his psychological issues didn’t mess things up and me being a “fixer” just thought that I could help him fix his issues and then we could live happily ever after (codependance). But as I’m also a realist and practical minded I determined that his issues were extensive and going to have to start with him actually wanting it to change and that it would take a while and I didn’t want to continue to look the fool while he had meaningless flings but always came back to me because he knew that he really wanted me but couldn’t handle the emotional closeness of a committed relationship (which is what I wanted). It seemed an obvious pattern because these episodes/break ups would start shortly after a particularly good weekend together or an intimate situation or conversation we’d had that moved us a step forward on the intimacy scale. Anyways the bottom line is that I was almost destroyed by the break up and was in so much pain unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. Even the grief I felt after my mother passed away (several years prior to this) wasn’t like the pain I felt after I finally stopped talking to my Ex.
The new guy I’ve been with for a year now is wonderful and treats me very kind and is thoughtful but my feelings for him (though I do care for him deeply and love him) do not compare to the soul connection and deep love I felt for my ex. Something I struggle with everyday to reconcile. I know my ex wasn’t good for me and our relationship wasn’t healthy and therefore I’m better off now but I still can’t seem to forget about him and quite my hearts’ desire. Yes, I compare the two relationships and the two men a lot which I shouldn’t do but its unavoidable in the end. Also I don’t mind the questions because it helps me in a way by getting these feelings out and talking about them.